Thursday, December 30, 2010


I woke up December 28th, 2010 with a chill traveling down my spine. After weeks of in-depth conversations with my counselor gearing towards this moment, I was now staring at the circled day on my calendar in sheer apprehension. I honestly can't really remember much from that day, because I was in a daze and I couldn't stop myself from thinking at a million miles per second.

My brother and sister were in the TV room and asked "so, are you ready for tonight!?" I was hesitant to reply to their almost simultaneous question, but managed a "yep". I went back into my room and tried to reminisce on everything my counselor had aided me through and things she advised me to do when this day had come.

Once my dad got home from work, my family (minus my mom) went to the gym. Is it odd that I subconsciously avoided my parents that entire afternoon? I think seeing their faces only reminded me of what was to come, which only triggered a swarm of even more nerves. Luckily; my dad was in the cardio section and I stayed hermitted in the free weight area, as far away as possible.

Once we got home, dinner time was quickly approaching. I tried to block it out of my mind, while I sat silently eating my pork tenderloin and potato.

I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but my mom started talking about the gays! She was talking about a friend from church who was gay and how he rejected our invitation to partake in our Christmas Eve party, because he wasn't sure if he was going to be safe at our house due to his sexuality. Anyways, she finished her schpeal with "I just love the gay community, I hope he feels safe and comfortable to accept an invitation in the future."

I felt like time had stopped the second she said that. My brother, sister and I all looked at each other with faint smirks. I was about to come out right after she said that, but I wimped out. After dinner, I left the room and started pacing in my bedroom.

My siblings walked into my sister's room, so I followed. They told me to either tell them tonight or just wait it out, because it was starting to get late. I told them I had to come out tonight, so we all walked back into the family room where my parents were. My dad had just popped in the newest season of 24, while my mom was folding laundry. I looked at my brother and sister one last time and then hit the Stop button on the remote.

My parent’s attention immediately shifted from the blank television screen over to me. I stood up out of the chair and after five years, I finally spoke up "I have an announcement to make" were the initial words out of my mouth, as my entire body was now trembling uncontrollably. My mom dropped the half folded shirt back in the laundry bin, while my dad instantly sat up in the couch.

I tried to keep things positive. I told them that I had done a lot of soul searching this past six months, figuring out who I am as a person. I pressed on and told them I am much more confident now and I have been increasing my self-esteem tremendously.

From there I just said the words I thought I would never say to my parents. "Mom...Dad, I'm gay."

"WHAT!!??" my mom shouted. I started crying. I dropped my head into my hands and had no luck holding back the tears. My parents jumped out of their seats and positioned themselves on the arms of the chair where I was sitting. They both began reassuring me that they still loved me. I got ahold of myself and started explaining everything to them. I answered every question they had to the best of my ability, with the help of my brother and sister.

I told them about my high school experiences, my coming out stories, counseling, my spiritual journey, creating this blog, all of it. They were both stunned. The quiet, reserved child in the family was finally found his voice and opened up to his parents.

I didn't have much more of a chance to talk to my parents about it that night, since a neighbor came over about ten minutes later and as soon as he left, one of my brother’s friends came over. I did sit in my room and talk more with my mom though. I showed her all the things I had accumulated in counseling and she was asking me all sorts of questions. She told me how astonished she was finding about my sexuality. Neither of my parents had the slightest idea, which disappointed my mom because she said she has good gaydar.

She told me she has always been very passionate and driven to learn more about the gay community. They travel to San Francisco almost every year and love the 'West Coast mentality'. She said they tried to go to a gay pride parade, but couldn't find one that overlapped the time they were there. She looked at me and said "you know what; I think God was preparing your father and I for a gay child".

That night I left the letter I had written to them on the kitchen counter. I know that is something my parents will keep forever.

I did it you guys, I DID IT!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Healing Wounds

As of a few months ago, my mind is finally becoming in sync with the rest of the world. I was so buried in my issues, pain and mental lies, that I had no time to just stop, observe and think rationally. I hate thinking about my past, but the first issue I tackled was…

Paranoia. It still baffles me how so few people had an inclination about my sexuality. I ALWAYS thought my family and friends talked about my sexuality behind my back. It was so bad that I literally thought every single person I knew, thought I was gay. Relatives, neighbors, school friends, my teachers, the whole world. My mind told myself enough times that people were always talking about me, so I began to believe it.

How I fixed this problem? I came out of the closet, duh! It wasn’t until I came out and began asking people instead of making assumptions, that I realized it was all in my head!

Stress. Due to my paranoia, I had so much built up stress, to the point it started affecting me physically. I began losing my appetite. I graduated high school weighing 120 pounds. I started getting horrible stomach aches, but I told myself I deserved to be in this physical pain. Fucked up, I know. I started popping stomach relievers called Titralac 3x a day to prevent myself from getting sick from the lack of food I was eating.

Nowadays, if something stresses me out, I seek out a productive way to accomplish it. Working out, listening to music and drawing or my go-to remedies. I now weigh 142 pounds and my goal is to get to 165 pounds.

Self-hatred. I absolutely hated myself down to my core. I thought I deserved nothing while others deserved success in their lives. If I did perhaps exceed in something, I just figured I got lucky and brushed it off. If someone complimented me, I thought they were lying and just being sympathetic towards me. I used to wish I was other people in High School.

I washed away all the self hate by standing in the rain and listening to this song:

Haha I kid. Coming out, accepting myself and washing away the lies that I fed off of for so many years, was the best self-love I could have given myself. I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I know I am gay and that’s just a tiny part of my genealogy.

Bottling up. Thinking about my sexuality all day, everyday and not telling a single soul, really did damage to my mind. Holding onto negative energy is not healthy, so let that shit go!

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the World I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the World that I'm coming

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I got home for Winter Break a week ago and told three of my friends! It’s totally different coming out to friends in college, whom I've known for a year or so, compared to friends I have known for 5+ years. I came out to my friend Angel on Tuesday afternoon. We were sitting in her Mustang and I told her it was time to give her the much anticipated ‘surprise’ I had been antagonizing her about.

She went from laughing and begging for the surprise, to quiet and concerned, the second my nerves kicked in. Obviously, it was noticeable I was about to cry. I told her the surprise was not a tangible object, but rather something I had to tell her. She perked up in the driver’s seat and began slowly shaking her head from left to right going “Oh my gosh, what’s going on? What did you do?”

I looked up and told her how much she meant to me. From there, I let those two magical words out that always seem to echo throughout my brain "I’m Gayyyyy'". After about ten seconds of her getting confirmation from several “are you reallys?”, her face lit up with the biggest smile. She pounced on me with a hug, followed by questions and everything I went through. She got pretty upset when I told her about my not-so-good days, trapped by depression.

After I released all my emotions and told my story to another person, we went right back to being our normal, goofy selves. You can always tell best friends are best friends when your stomach hurts from laughing so much at the end of the day from being together. Angel can make me laugh no matter what. She started screaming we’re "getting drunk and celebrating this". I'm down!!


Tuesday night I met up with my neighbor Jake, who lives two houses down the street. Not only was my mind spinning with anticipation to come out to him, but it was ridiculously cold out for SoFlo weather. I was nearly shaking, seconds before I brought up the subject. I have known Jake since 5th grade. He’s the athletic jock, always has a girlfriend type of guy and I was nervous to come out to him at first. Turns out, he was completely cool with me being gay.

Tonight I came out to yet another friend Rachel aka RayRay, who I met in 8th grade. We hung out together all the time, had classes together and drove home from school together Senior year. She is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. I knew she would be cool with my sexuality, so I was really excited to come out to her. I sent her a text asking if we could meet up and walk around her neighborhood and catch up. She immediately agreed. We began walking and my nerves ran up and down my body. I got anxious but stayed calm at the same time.

After a few minutes of catching up, I came out to her. I’m starting to think homophobic people were figments of my imagination. Like all my other friends, she stopped in her tracks and spit out “What?! Are you serious?” After she knew I was serious, she threw her arms around me and I couldn’t have been happier. I felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Tonight was one of the best heart-to-hearts I've ever had. We must have walked her neighborhood 8 times, just pouring our hearts out to each other. She completely opened up to me about all the things she struggled with, past and present. I will always be there for her and I know our friendship got so much stronger after tonight.

I received this text after I left to go home: "Hey, tonight was a good night! I don’t think I’ve ever had that deep and long of a conversation with someone. I just wanted to say that I am glad to call you one of my best friends. I will always be there for you and I am glad that you wanted and did tell me everything. Can’t wait to party with you so we can have some more happy memories to add to our friendship. More un-sober memories too! Lol. Thank you for being my friend. I will never forget this night too–Rachel"

I have now come out to sixteen people! I'm so proud of myself and thankful for the people in my life.

Much love guys!

Monday, December 6, 2010


Lets take a journey back to my Summer semester of college last year. I was fresh out of High School and I was so eager to leave my house. I was a studious student who did fairly well in school and stayed away from the party scene. Once I entered college I wanted to go crazy. I never drank and figured college was my time to live it up. I began meeting people who were pretty much like myself, but slightly more extroverted. We liked to have fun but we were also serious about our grades and school work. 'Responsible Partiers' I liked to call it. There aren't classes on Fridays over Summer, which basically meant we had a three day weekend. It was a magical six weeks for me. If you're considering taking Summer B classes as a Freshman, I HIGHLY recommend it, because you'll already have an entire group of friends going into Fall.

My friends and I would start pre-gaming in the dorms and then go out to parties and get so drunk. The problem is, I didn't have a stopping point. If there was alcohol in sight, I drank it. Bad, I know. This went down every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night for about five weeks. I was introduced to beer pong, flip cup, asshole, ring of fire, quarters, beer funnels, shot gunning, keg stands and power hour. I'm sorry liver.

I guess my favorite part about my group of friends was that we all watched out for each other, yet did our own thing too. We would get to the parties together, venture off and meet new people, reconnect throughout the night and than regroup when it was time to leave and evaluate to see who was the most drunk. Drunk people helping drunk-er people is hysterical by the way. I will forever cherish those car rides back to the dorms with a car packed full of laughter and craziness. We drove home drunk several times when we shouldn't have been and that was extremely stupid and irresponsible of us.

A year and a half later, I decided to tame the animal within me. I have not consumed alcohol for about six months now. I feel a lot healthier and not having to deal with hangovers is always a plus. I know drinking isn't good for you, but I have the BIGGEST urges to still get drunk from time to time. But now that I'm in a new dorm building, where we each have our room with a shared common area/kitchen, I've been toking up in my room more often with my friend Michelle.

Christmas Break is fast approaching and I cannot wait to go home. My best friend Angel still doesn't know I am gay and I have been purposely antagonizing her, saying I have something to tell her for the last two months now. I cant freaking wait to come out to her, she is literally the peanut butter to my jelly. She is so open minded about gay people and she will probably start jumping up and down when I tell her. We plan on getting drunk together for New Years and I cannot wait!

Smokin dat cush hahaha

Thursday, December 2, 2010


One of the most amazing experiences took place last night on Tuesday November 30th, 2010.

One night, at the end of a church service, the pastor walked off the stage and told the congregation that God spoke to him and that He wanted him to start praying over people to receive the Holy Spirit. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I sat in my chair and watched as a few people trickled up to the front. The pastor began speaking in his prayer language and I was in udder amazement.

After the service I started asking my friends a million questions as to what the heck had just happened moments ago. They nonchalantly told me that he was speaking in tongues, one of the gifts from the Holy Spirit. They told me that they were all baptized in the Holy Spirit and had the ability to speak in a prayer language as well. I told them that I wanted to speak in another language too! My buddy said in order to receive it, you first need to understand what it is, along with the other gifts and than you need to be baptized in the Holy Spirit.

So what exactly is the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit is the spirit of Jesus. The fruit of The Spirit consist of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. You also receive spiritual gifts through the Holy Spirit. They include prophesy, serving, teaching, speaking in tongues, encouraging, giving, leading and showing mercy. People who have been baptized in the Holy Spirit have been given messages of wisdom, messages of knowledge, faith, gifts of healing, prophesy, speaking in tongues, miraculous gifts, and interpretation of tongues.

He told me to start reading a Bible study guide, called The Purple Book, so I did. The book is broken down into chapters by various topics and it's supposed to be an easier way to understand the Bible. I asked the leader of my small group to go through the book with me, so we met up at Starbucks on campus several days a week. I anxiously awaited until I got to chapter four,  entitled 'The Holy Spirit and Spiritual Gifts'.

After I finished going through chapter four and praying about it, I told my roommate that I was ready to be baptized in the Holy Spirit and receive my prayer language. I was still skeptical. On the following night of our campus ministry, we got there an hour and a half early. Six of us met in a hallway right next to the room where we lead worship. We started by praying and than my friends Benton, Kelsey and Samita stood around me and laid their hands on me. I stood there and felt very awkward, but I prayed for God to allow the Holy Spirit to fill me and baptize me. More and more people began entering this small room and began placing their hands on the person in front of them. People began speaking in tongues and I just felt like I was in a dream. About fifteen minutes into it, my mind was filled with an orange light and I felt weightless.

I opened my eyes and the entire hallway was filled with a sea of people praying for me. It looked like a spider web of people and I was directly in the center. I continued to pray and my throat began to tingle. It felt like someone was holding a lighter really close to my throat. My ears were in shock as they were no longer hearing English coming out of my mouth. It was an instantaneous switch and from that moment on, I've been able to speak in tongues.

Everyone released their hands and began praying to themselves. I just stood there completely overwhelmed by emotions. I didn’t know whether to cry, scream for joy, laugh, smile, hug someone...I was in a daze. I had been baptized in the Holy Spirit and it was the most powerful energy I have ever felt run through me.

God proved his existence to me that night and I will never doubt him another day in my life.

After everyone went back into the main room, my friends stayed behind and gave me hugs and smiles! I guess chocolate is the way to celebrate receiving the Holy Spirit, because Betnton gave me a Reese's (he knows me well haha) and Kelsey handed me a dove chocolate candy. Inside, the message read Be Fearless.

Faith over Fear. Always.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Italian Holiday Traditions

YAY it's Christmas time! Christmas is my favorite holiday and time of year. It's just magical. Walking into a house with a lit up Christmas tree and decorations puts a  smile on this face. We always buy a real tree so we can enjoy the aromas throughout the house and that pine scent just adds to the festive spirit. Food also makes me feel really festive.

On Christmas Eve, we're inviting our friends over for dinner and preparing The Seven Fishes (festa dei sette pesci). This dish is believed to have originated in Southern Italy. This celebration is a commemoration of the wait, Vigilia di Natale, for the midnight birth of baby Jesus. We're serving two sushi boats, clams casino, scallops, conch fritters, octopus salad, oysters and one other dish I can't remember. After the good food and wine, we go to midnight mass.

Christmas morning is quite possibly the best morning in the entire year. When I was little, my sister Monica and I would be the first ones up and we would rip through our stockings, like little vultures. Than we would snoop around the tree and anxiously await until 7, to wake up the rest of the house.

I'm on college time now, so I don't plan on getting up until 9. My dad makes homemade French toast for breakfast and then we all sat in the family room and open presents one at a time. Ahhhh I love it! This year I'm asking for a few pairs of shoes, the iron gym, an Ipod adaptor for my car, a necklace and some beauty products.

Homemade manicotti is on the menu for Christmas. It's a meal we used to make with my Grandmother as children. Manicotti is an Italian dish, consisting of a thin crepe stuffed with ricotta cheese and herbs. My dad pours his homemade red sauce over them, sprinkles some cheese on top and pops them in the oven. Mmm mmm mmm

I would love to hear what you do for Christmas! Do you have any special traditions and dishes?

Monday, November 29, 2010

My Myers Briggs Personality Results

One of the courses I'm enrolled in this semester is called Career Planning. I needed to take a free elective, so I decided to take one that would possibly help me determine my career path...because that is kind of important.

My teacher assigned us to take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator personality test. It was an online test and I sat at my laptop and answered every single question (all 500 of them) as honest as possible. For each column you possess one of the personality types.

The first column covers: Where you focus your attention
Extraverts(E)- People who prefer Extraversion tend to focus on the outer world of people and activity.
Introverts(I)- People who prefer Introversion tend to focus on the inner world of ideas and impressions.

The second column covers: The way you take in information
Sensing(S)- People who prefer Sensing tend to take in information through the five senses and focus on the here and now.
Intuition(N)- People who prefer Intuition tend to take in information from patterns and the big picture and focus on future possibilities.

The third column covers: The way you make decisions
Thinking(T)- People who prefer Thinking tend to make decisions based primarily on logic and on objective of cause and effect.
Feeling(F)- People who prefer Feeling tend to make decisions based primarily on values and on the subjective evaluation of person-centered concerns

The fourth column covers: How you deal with the outer world
Judging(J)- People who prefer Judging tend to like a planned and organized approach to life and want to have things settled.
Perceiving(P)- People who prefer Perceiving tend to like a flexible and spontaneous approach to life and want to keep their options open.

About a week later the results came in...

I'm an INFJ! Out of the 16 personalities, this is the rarest personality type, making up 1% of the world's population. The description for the INFJ Personality is...
  • Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions.
  • Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others
  • Conscientious and committed to their firm values
  • Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good
  • Organized and decisive in implementing their vision
  • Often insightful, creative, visionary, symbolic, idealistic, conceptual, complex and deep
'They value the depth and complexity of their insights and creative gifts as well as those of others. They want to see these insights realized in the world'.

My blog and artwork immediately came to mind. :)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Home Sweet Home

I went home for Thanksgiving Break after being away for three months. I told my parents I was coming home Wednesday, but I surprised them and walked in the door Tuesday night. My mom's initial reaction when she saw me standing in the doorway, was to run backwards and into the kitchen cabinets. haha
We had a party of 14 people last night for the FSU/UF game and things got pretty rowdy. I'm not a huge football fan but it was fun nonetheless.

Seeing my parents again is so crazy, knowing I'm coming out to them in EXACTLY one month!

I need to get packing because I have to drive back to school in a couple hours and get ready for finals next week. Much love guys!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Gay Movies

Hey guys!

I want to share a couple of movies I recently watched and really enjoyed. All three of these movies have to do with homosexuality and religion.

1) Prayers for Bobby

2) For the Bible Tells Me So

3) Latter Days


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Feeling Trapped

"We're imperfect people trapped in an imperfect world until we get to that place beyond."

When I was thirteen or fourteen years old, my world began spinning around me. It was as if my sexuality prior to this time period was kept in a box and out of nowhere, that box had been ripped open for the first time by a child on Christmas morning. As I noticed my attraction to other men, I promised myself I was just going through a phase. I reassured myself that it was just my hormones playing tricks on me and before I knew it, I was going to be into girls.


I continued to lie to myself and deny every gay related emotion that came to mind. This marked the birth of the mental issues that began overtaking my mind. The act of sequestering your emotions is very damaging to a person's psyche.

What would my family think of me? What would my friends think? What would the world think? I suppressed myself so much, to the point that I became an internalized homophobic myself. I avoided guys at my high school who were gay or feminine. I figured if I only associated with straight people, it would give me a much better chance at becoming straight myself.

I tried, I mean really tried to find a girl that I was sexually attracted to. I do have a lot of attractive female friends, but none of them made me feel the way I did when I saw an attractive guy.

This battle that I was playing, to force myself to find just one girl I had sexual feelings for took it's tool on me. I knew I was losing the fight when I started getting more and more random boners in High School when I would see a cute guy and start fantasizing over them and imagining what they looked like under their clothes.

These thoughts scared me, so much so that I felt like I needed to  seclude myself. I avoided parties and events with large numbers of people, so I could feel like I was in control, since I was not in control of my mind.

Than the paranoia kicked in. I was so petrified of someone saying something or outing me, so I avoided as many social functions as I could. This isolation began to deplete my confidence, which led to being ashamed of myself. My self-esteem continued to plummet and I began to become anxious and than depressed. I remember going to bed at night and asking myself why I was different then all my friends. I would pray that if I couldn't be straight, that I wouldn’t wake up at all.

Homework and studying became an outlet for me. It forced my mind to let go of any temporary homosexual thoughts and to focus on the assignment. Doing my homework was a lame way of rewarding myself. Doing homework relaxed my mind, it was my pause button.

The Power of Self-Reflection

Its official, all my roommates are now in the loop! I came out to my third roommate this evening. I honestly couldn't have received a better reaction. He was so nice and understanding about everything.

I have now come out to a DOZEN people and I could not be more proud of myself.

I have learned several things along this journey that I want to share.
  • Coming out is not easy, but NOT coming out is 100x harder. In doing so, you're authenticating yourself and giving your soul the best gift you ever could.  
  • Things do get better, so never act upon dark impulses when you're in a negative headspace.
  • You're not alone. The pain and agony you feel is the same pain other people have felt and overcame. Be proud of the person you are and know that God loves you.
  • Crying doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’ve been strong for too long. I have cried more in the last four months then in my entire life combined. It's a form of healing, so embrace your emotions and just let them flow.
  • Each and everyone of us is here for a reason and you my friend, are going to do great things.

Tyler Clementi, Asher Brown, Seth Walsh, Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase, Billy Lucas amd Cody J. Barker. These were seven individuals with a purpose and a dream. Seven individuals who ended their lives after being bullied and harassed because of their sexual identity. “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” – Maya Angelou

It's heartbreaking that these souls felt so isolated, that they saw death as an exit from this existence on Earth. Suicide is never ever EVER the answer. Your loved ones would be haunted by the pain forever. If you feel like you're more of a burden and that the world is better off without you, you're wrong. The world needs you. We all have a life purpose here on this Earth and you'd be selling yourself short by cutting your life short.

Never be bullied into silence. Accept no one's definition of your life, but allow God to define yourself.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Sunday, October 24, 2010


Yep you read correctly, I finally met Socrkid in person! His schools soccer team was in my city to play my schools team and the opportunity finally came up.

Friday night we met up at his hotel the night before the game. I was so nervous as I pulled into the parking lot. I got there fifteen minutes early and hyperventilated in my car. It was so wierd to think I was about to meet someone for the first time, but we knew so much about each other already.

For some reason, all my nerves went away once I saw him face-to-face. Maybe because I know him so well. Or maybe because I felt so comfortable around him. In any event, we sat on a nearby bench and talked about anything and everything. It was so cool to finally talk to another gay guy, who is so similar to myself! Those two hours went by in 10 minutes but I cherished every second of it.

Socrkid is a homie for life!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Ten People Know I'm Gay Now!!

Hey guys.

This past weekend I went to St. Simons Island in Georgia. We stayed at a church called Epworth by the Sea and it was an amazing experience. I got to meet so many people my age from surrounding colleges including FSU, UCF, FAMU and UGA. We had several amazing worship services. The youth pastors from each campus spoke, than we played games, roasted s'mores by a bonfire, etc. It was a really cool experience.

Now I’m just getting back into the swing of things. I have been eating healthy, working out almost five days a week, drinking tons of water, studying a lot for school and just living life how I want.

I still can’t believe how much I have grown as person in less than three months. I am so much more mature and confident living in my own skin. I have come out to TEN people. This Christmas Break I am coming out to my parents and all my close friends back home.

I no longer hate myself for being gay. I have learned through this journey, that being different makes you irreplaceable. Yes, it is extremely difficult to live with at times and I break down in my room occasionally, but I always get up stronger than before. When I start to feel down, I turn to prayer.

Starting my coming out process has been the most emotional experience of my life. I was so accustomed to bottling my emotions up and swallowing my pain. I am learning to express them in a positive way and I am learning its ok to ask people for help. At least that's what my counselor tells me! :) I love you Lauren!!

If you are reading this and you're still in the closet, just know this: People are sooooo much more accepting then you think. Coming out gives you the ability to blossom into the person you day dream about becoming. You DESERVE happiness and when you feel ready and comfortable, come out at your own pace. If you don't have anyone to talk to, but you're ready to begin the process, use this helpline:  

Shine bright and love yourself!

Much love guys!

Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm on the Pursuit of Happiness

Hey guys.

I began reading my Bible and I've stuck to it for the last week. I also read a daily devotional guide called The Upper Room every time I walk to class (unless I’m walking with friends). I joined a Life Group, which I go to on Wednesdays. It’s a group of ten other guys and we talk about the Bible and everyday life. One of my pledge brothers signed up with me.

I'm sure you're wondering if I still attend the Tuesday night church groups, after the pastor incident. Well, I've gone back once and that's only because I've become really close friends with a handful of people there and I love being around them. However, I'm going to stop attending altogether soon, I just don't have the courage to tell them yet.

Ohh and I also came out to my friend Michelle Friday night! It was so cool! She didn’t care at all. We talked about it for about 15 minutes and then just hung out for a couple hours afterwards, like nothing happened. She left me a text message that really touched me. I got emotional from it and I thought it was beautifully written…

"If you ever need anything to talk about I am always here for you. Honestly, don't feel like you are ever alone. When you look at a person remember that everyone has a story and secrets. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them. Be happy with who you are and fuck the rest who judge you. People are always going to judge you for one reason or another but they do not matter. Our differences from one another make us beautiful."

Saturday night I went to a frat party with one of my best friends, Anita, who I've known since 7th grade!! She transferred to my school about a month ago! AH As I pulled up to her apartment after the party, I asked her if we could talk. I had come out to her earlier in the semester, but I never had the chance to really open up to her about it. We talked for like an hour and I just spilled my emotions. I told her all the things I went through while we were in high school and what it’s like growing up gay. It was one of the best conversations I have ever had in my life. I love that girl!

Senior year of High School with my main squeeze

Lastly, about an hour ago, I came out to my roommate Ryan! He wouldn’t believe me at first, but was super supportive of it. Haha To my delight, coming out is getting so much easier.

I am still going to counseling on Fridays and I love it. I will go into depth about that in a future post.

Shout out to all my Bloggy followers for being such an amazing support system! Much Love Guys!

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Flashback to the end of Freshman year...

It was such a bitter sweet feeling as I stood in my empty door room. I had completed my freshman year of college and it literally went by with a snap of a finger. I happened to be one of the last of my friends to leave campus on departure day and I honestly didn’t want to leave. I had so much fun with my new friends and I wanted to stay for an extra six months. My parents snapped me back to reality as they pulled up and I left my dorm building for the last time, filled with so many amazing memories. Freshman year was suchhhh a blast.

Instead of driving back home (South Florida) we drove from Jacksonville to Tallahassee. My sister Monica was graduating from Florida State University with an Accounting degree. At the last second, my brother Ross decided to join the festivities and flew in for the weekend from AZ. It was so much fun to have all five of us reunited and be able to celebrate a special time in my sister’s life.

The next morning, my brother flew back to Arizona while my parents started the trek back home. Monica and I stayed to pack up the remainder of her stuff and to chill in Tallahassee one more night. The next morning we LOADED her little Volvo up to the brim and hit the road bright and early.

About three hours into the drive, we were passing through Gainesville. We were cruising on I-75 with one thing on our minds, getting home! My sister was driving, while I was messing around with my iPod in the passengers seat. Within a split second, the car started shaking and we were driving over the rumble strips (aka the sleeper lines) and she started screaming my name. I popped my head up and saw a van, within arms reach, drifting all the way into our left-hand lane.

We plummeted into I-75’s median going 80 miles an hour. All I could do was scream “BRAKE!” and hold on for dear life. I glared through the windshield, as trees spun around the car like the 'trees' in car washes. Miraculously, the car went from drifting and doing donuts, to stopping out of nowhere. My heart had never been beating that fast in my entire life. Luckily, my sister and I were both unharmed and her car had very little damage.

The idiot who pushed us off the highway pulled over, as well as a witness. The guy tried to do everything in his power to make it sound like we were at fault. Luckily, a cop came to the rescue and immediately took our side. We couldn’t press charges even if we wanted to, since our cars never actually touched during the incident. It’s known as ‘preventing an accident’ or something like that. And to make matters worse, it was about 90 degrees outside and we had to uncover her spare tire through a completely packed car and drive to Pep boys.

Turns out my brother's best friend was managing a hotel about ten minutes down the road and he put us up in a free room for the night, somewhere in the outskirts of Gainesville.

Once my sister and I did eventually make it home, the following days I played the car accident in my head over and over again. I came to a conclusion that I could not die without someone knowing me, completely knowing me. I had to tell someone I was gay. It was quite an interesting epiphany.

This past Summer, starting with the car accident, has completely changed my life. I came out to my  brother shortly after and I feel like this happened for a greater purpose than I could see at the time.

Did God use this experience to open my eyes and tell me I need to really start living? If I didn’t have that near death experience, I wouldn’t have learned how fragile life is and how much we need to embrace and enjoy it while it lasts. I honestly believe I would still be in the closet and continue driving down the wrong road if it weren't for this day.

Most people consider a car accident a tragedy, but I consider mine a gift from God...

Saturday, September 11, 2010


I had my meeting with the pastor Wednesday afternoon. It was quite the experience.

Going into it, I had high hopes that I was going to get positive feedback. He is a very uplifting and engaging person on stage, so I was expecting the same, friendly person behind closed doors. HA I was 100% wrong. I met him downstairs in the lobby of my dorm and we quickly walked up to the a lounge room, where we could talk.

I didn't beat around the bush at all once we sat down. He asked me what was bothering me and I told him that I was gay and I wanted some insight on it. The pastor told me to open my Bible. After doing so, he asked me read every verse that condemned homosexuality. I let out a deep 'oh fuck' breath and read them aloud.

Once I finished, he told me that "God made man to be with a woman and that’s the way it should be, period. Man was created to be the strong, powerful, brave, bold, courageous one, while the woman was created from man to nurture, comfort and provide for he and the family. Only a man and a woman are supposed to be together because they balance each other and its natural, whereas homosexual relationships are unnatural. Being homosexual itself isn't a sin, but the act of homosexuality and giving in to temptation is a sin".

So unless you 'become straight', or remain celibate, you sin? He told me that I was not born a homosexual; everyone is born straight in this world. He told me that the Devil put a 'tab' on me labeled 'Homosexuality' around 8th grade, when I was going through puberty and first recognized my attraction to guys. Any thought, emotion, feeling, desire that's gay related, is the Devil's doing.

He told me that within every person there is a throne. Most people place themselves on their throne when they need to place God on it. He said we need God to be on our throne so we can live our life through him. Because I am gay, I put myself on my throne, even though he had just told me it was Satan's doing. I told him that I do seek God and just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can't live for God as well and put Him first. His exact re buttal was "if you work at it hard enough, I promise in six months you won’t be gay anymore."

Following that bold statement, he pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down the words ‘Male’ and ‘Female’ with a line between them. He explained to me that because I am gay, I don’t fit in either. Instead of circling ‘Male’ he circled the middle of the line. I was floored. He began to appear less and less Holy to me.

He made another picture. On one end of the paper, he had the words 'Love' and 'Mercy' circles together. On the other end of the paper, he circled the words 'Justice' and 'Judgment' together. He said that "in order to be well balanced, you must live in the middle of the circles". However, since I am not coming to Justice and Judgment with my sexuality, I am living next to the bubble of Love and Mercy.

At this point, I wasn't even about to waste my energy and defend myself after he had just told me I wasn't a male. Instead, I remained the bigger person and I simply told him that I am not a bad/evil person for being a homosexual. I told him that I am in face a man, that six months won't change anything, regardless how much I try to become straight and I was born this way.

He replied by saying "homosexuality is a sin and God will condemn you for it." He quickly attempted to loosen that harsh blow by making it seem like it's reversible though, that there's hope. He said that "it isn’t the Devil who sends people to Hell, it’s the person and their actions that ultimately decide their own fate. People have the choice to walk on the narrow path towards Heaven, or the many paths that lead to hell." He said homosexuality is a spiritual path towards hell and an existence of anguish and torture. He retouched upon 'the tabs' comment, how the Devil puts tabs on certain people. He explained that he might put ‘Alcoholic’ on one guys back, ‘Drug Addict’ on a girls back, ‘Prostitute’ on another girls back, etc.

When he said this to me, I was thinking to myself, well those people chose to take that drink, they chose to pop that pill, they chose to work the streets. Those are all poor decisions people made, my situation is entirely different. I didn’t choose to like guys. If only he put himself in my shoes for a second, which he didn’t.

I told him that I began seeking help with my sexuality at the counseling center. He snapped back and told me to stop going. He said that the Devil is so sneaky that his lies look so much like the truth. So in other words, the counseling center is just going to tell me that I need to start accepting and loving myself. He said that he wants to start counseling me to turn me straight. I proceeded to tell him that my parents go to San Francisco every year and attend a gay friendly church filled with gay people who know God. He said it’s fake and that the Devil wants them to think they know God. The arrogance and lack of God I felt from this man at that moment was overwhelming. I have never been in such an uncomfortable situation. I felt like I had been beaten to a pulp by his words.

After he left, I sprinted back to my room, shut my door, dropped to the floor and cried. It was a lot to take in. I just kept thinking 'what if he's right? what if  I do go to hell?' After all the positive things I thought I was doing for myself, like seeking counseling, he reprimanded. The things he told me didn't feel very Godly.

This was one of the rare times when I had to make an emergency call to my siblings and we had a three way conversation about the incident.

Where do I stand after all this craziness? Well for one, I needed time to absorb everything that happened, before writing this post. That was the first and the last conversation I will be having with the pastor, nor will I ever get counseled by him. I went against his word and went to another counseling session

On a positive note, Lauren became my counselor!! (The same girl who did my screening!) When she told me this my face lit up!! I connect with her so well! I explained the whole ordeal to her and she advised me to do the same thing my siblings told me to do, which is to cut communication with him and to seek God in a more loving, accepting environment.

In the end, I'm glad I had that conversation with the pastor. I needed to hear a radical Christian’s thoughts on homosexuality. I even started reading the Bible for the first time in my life to find answers for my own.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Tomorrow is going to be an extremely stressful day for three main reasons…

One: I have my first exam tomorrow morning and I'll be up till 3AM studying for it.

Two: After my exam, I'm making my first real appointment with the counseling center. My screening session on Friday went better than expected, but I'm nervous to schedule my first real appointment. I don’t know who my counselor is going to be, what he/she is going to be like, if I am going to get anything out of it, what he/she is going to say to me, etc. The fear of the unknown. I've never been to a therapist, but it's paid for through my tuition, so I mine as well take advantage of the opportunity.

Three: I'm meeting up with the pastor of the on campus church group I attend every Tuesday. There's about 150 people who come, so it's fairly large. I began going last semester with some friends and I enjoy it. Some of the people there are a bit odd, but there's a lot of really friendly individuals as well. The preacher is a 30 something year old guy who's an Alum of my University. He's seems pretty knowledgeable and his dad is actually the pastor of a hugely successful church about 15 minutes off campus. After some brief chatting at the end of services, I decided to ask him if we could talk and if he could offer some spiritual insight on some things I've been dealing with. I know having a counselor will be great and very beneficial, but I also want to know what he has to say about being gay.

He agreed and we're meeting up tomorrow afternoon to talk in one of the lounge rooms in my dorm.

I know the words homosexuality and Christianity spark controversial and conflicting thoughts, but I want to know what he has to say. If things go bad, it'll be one more thing I can discuss with my future counselor.

I'm well aware that a lot of people believe homosexuality is a sin. They believe being gay isn't a sin, but acting upon your 'homosexual temptations' are sinful. Conservatives believe that everyone was born straight and during your life, Satan entered and started giving the homosexual person same sex thoughts, in his attempt to distance us from God and sanctity.

It's so easy to side with something when you're not personally affected by what it says. Spiritual people consider themselves children of God, but if God thought it was sinful, why wouldn't he retract those feelings that Satan supposedly instilled in us? Or why didn't Jesus say a single thing about homosexuality in the Bible? According to the Bible, Jesus was here on Earth for about 30 years. You would think he would have mentioned it, if it was something that would deny you from entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

I believe in the Trinity, so I take the Bible seriously, but it makes me question if the book is 100% accurate, or if people have tampered with it over the years. You know me and how little I trust the Government anyways...

So this post got pretty deep, what do you guys think?

Friday, September 3, 2010


Today was by far one of the most productive days of my life! But hold up, let me back track to yesterday. I was sitting in my room just staring at The Counseling Center broacher I had received a couple days ago. It took me a half hour of contemplating with myself to call or not. I told myself to suck it up and just call. The lady asked me when I would be available to stop by for a screening appointment. Turns out I was scheduled for the next day, Friday at 2:30. This morning I woke up at 9 and went to Earth Science class.
I hate having a Friday class, but this class is so tight! My professor is a middle aged surfer dude. His lectures are really engaging and interesting. After class, I met up with a couple buddies of mine and we went to lunch at Qbado's. Everyone kept laughing at me because I couldn't pronounce it right. I had never been to this restaurant before, but its pretty much the same thing as a Chipotle.
I looked down at my phone and panicked because it was already 2:15. I started freaking out and telling my friend that I needed to get back on campus. I made it to the Counseling Center ten minutes late, after getting lost finding the building. ha
They had me fill out two online assessments and confidentiality agreement forms. I sat in the waiting room and was so freaking nervous! I tried to sit there and look calm, 'look' being the operative word. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. It was like I put my hands under a sink, they were so sweaty and my heart and thoughts were racing. I was about to tell a random human being my darkest secret. And then a lady walked out from around the corner and called my name...

...I took a deep breath, stood up and walked towards what I knew was a step towards happiness. My screening counselor was a grad student named Lauren. I immediately felt comfortable around her. She just had that vibe, that way about her, which was warm and inviting. She led me into a room with a couple chairs. Then she stabs me with the loaded question, "so what brings you here today?" I completely beat around the bush for a few minutes. I told her I was dealing with extreme paranoia, stress and self-esteem issues. We talked about them for a couple minutes until she asked, "is there a specific reason for all these negative feelings?" My mouth dried up like cottonmouth.

"Its because I’m gay." There I said it!! She already knew I was, because she reviewed the paperwork I completed. I just started spilling EVERYTHING. I told her every single thing I have dealt with since I was a freshman in high school. We sat there and talked for almost an hour and a half so I’m not going to write everything down. Plus; this was only my screening appointment, which means she was there to write down everything I told her and from there, they would pick the counselor that they think best suits my needs. I did tell her that I hope it would be her who becomes my counselor.

We discussed my strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, stress relievers, etc. I told her about my coming out stories and how positive all the reactions have been thus far. We discussed my suicidal thoughts from high school, my family life, friends, the whole thing. I think what I really liked about her was how direct she was with my situation.

She asked me to define what paranoia meant to me, among other things, and really dug down to the root of the thoughts I have. I even mentioned this blog and how much of an outlet it's been and how meaningful you guys are to me!

At the very end of the session, Lauren asked me what I want out of counseling. I told her I want to learn how to love and accept myself, in hopes to rebuild my happiness and self-confidence, to stop being paranoid and be openly gay. It was the best 90 minutes of my life. My first real counseling session is Tuesday and I can’t wait, I hope Lauren becomes my therapist! Turns out my siblings and friends were right; counseling is something I definitely need! I love you guys!

Somethings you just cant handle alone. Where my life journey leads me I have not a long as I have people there for me :)

Thursday, September 2, 2010


My husband is on the cover of Men's Health this month! I'm so proud of my boo!
Finally some fun in my life...I ran out of food today and went over to Publix to stock up. I was half way done with my shopping and randomly decided to stop in the magazine section. I don't know if you guys do this, but I like to scan the Men's Health magazine in the isle and get some free/new exercise ideas. Plus, looking at ripped, shirtless studs doesn't hurt either. If you ever see me in Publixxx with a boner, you know why.

Anyways, I was flipping through an article on building up your abs when a voice from beside me goes "Do I know you?"

I looked up at him and said "huh?" He was about my height (5' 10") dark features, glasses, looked a little nerdy, but fit, hazel eyes, nice smile and looked at least five years older than me.

He goes "you look so familiar, have we met before?" I have never met this dude in my life and he didn't look even remotely familiar, so I sort of chuckled and said "No, I don't think so. Maybe I look like someone you knew?" He named a couple sports and asked if I played them, either attempting to pinpoint where he knew me from, or using it as a conversation starter. I didn't play any of the sports he listed. We kept chatting and he asked me if I was in school.

That's when the gaydar sirens began ringing.

I told him I was, here in the area. I didn't want to give too much information to him, so I didn't tell him which one. He said he graduated from the University of Florida and majored in Economics. He then asked me my major and I told him Advertising and I am considering Graphic Design. We talked for a couple more minutes. At that point he asked for my name, gave me a handshake and we went our separate I thought.

I went down a couple more aisles, doing my thang and getting those bogos, when out of the corner of my eye, I could see him walking towards me. My immediate thought was "oh shit, what does he want now? Can I please just shop in peace?" I didn't make eye contact and pretended like I didn't see him and concentrated on the food in front of me. haha

That plan didn't defer him from walking back up to me and asking " Hey man, you seem like a really nice guy. Would you be interested in an internship?" I smiled, thanked him and asked what exactly his company does.  He said his company is understaffed and is looking for people in the advertising major. I thanked him for the opportunity, but told him I wanted to focus on school full-time. He was understanding and then started digging in his pocket. He pulled out his wallet, took out one of his cards and handed it to me. He points at one of the two numbers on the card and goes "well if you ever change your mind, call me, and the direct number is my private cell number." I smiled and thanked him and didn't see him after that.

So, what do you guys think? Do I have a doppelganger that he used to know, or does he want to get in my pants while I 'intern' for him?

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Gay Obstacles

I am at the point in my life where I know I am not going to wake up one morning and miraculously be straight. I am going to be gay for the rest of my life. This is going to be the hardest obstacle I live with and hopefully one day flourish with. I want to 'like' being gay so bad, but let’s be honest, I would take a straight pill if they ever came out with one.

Until about four months ago, I considered myself bisexual. I wasn’t necessarily lying to myself, rather; I liked the word better. I still have emotional feelings for females, but the sexual feelings fall flat. Now that I know my sexuality, thinking of the future…5, 10, even 15 years from now really frightens me.

I'm going to have to approach things (that straight people wouldn't have to think twice about) in a different way. Dating, sex, PDA, proposing, introducing my significant other to relatives, marriage, etc. I guess gay guys just have to keep things more low key when out in public. Before dating, who makes the first move? Who tops and who bottoms? How much public affection can you show? Can LGBT couples even hold hands in public places and feel safe doing so? What about when the relationship becomes serious and it's time to introduce your spouse to your relatives and you're not even sure where they stand on the matter?

Lastly, what about marriage? First and foremost, I can't even get married if I wanted to in my state. The last thing a straight couple has to think about as they plan for their wedding is “Ok honey, which state do we need to go to in order to legally get married?” That thought doesn’t even cross their minds. I don't have any intentions on getting married until at least 2022 (when I'm 30), so hopefully times will be much more progressive than.

One positive thing that more homosexual people don't have to worry about, that more heterosexual people do, is a biological clock and having kids by a certain age. If a gay/lesbian couple wants kids, they can just adopt.

Friday, August 27, 2010


I'm quitting my Frat because it SUCKS FAT FUCKING COCK. It feels so nice to have come to this glorious realization.
So let's get into it:
This past week was RUSH for Greek life on campus. For those of you who don't know what that is, every Fraternity on campus sets up booths with their flashy letters and all the bothers wear their matching shirts, Croakies and Sperry's to recruit guys into pledging. I find it ridiculous but I got wrapped up into it myself because so many of my friends were. Each evening, our Fraternity has a RUSH event where the "potentials" are given a time and location and they get the 'privilege' (LOL) to hang out with the brothers. It's all so shallow and superficial.

Last night was 'Interview Night'. All the brothers sit in the Senate Chambers, we dim all the lights and bring the potentials in one-by-one and interview them. It's extremely intimidating and so stupid.

After each interview, the brothers deliberate and vote on each guy, which ultimately decides whether or not he gets a bid to become a pledge. One specific potential was escorted into the room, did his interview and he left. A brother thought he was gay, so he didn't give him a vote and said something along the lines of "he looks like a faggot, he'll probably come out of the closet during his pledge ship." Who the fuck cares if he is and decides to come out? Ugh It's people like him and comments like that which make guys fearful of coming out. I can't stand ignorance like that.
Another 'potential' came in who was really funny and making all the brothers laugh, but one of the brothers pointed out that he had a pretty low GPA. The votes on this guy were split right down the middle, so we started stating positive and negatives, to decide whether or not to give him a bid. One of the brothers chimed in with "some of the guys are going to be really cool with crappy grades, while others are going to be more socially awkward with good grades. We can just weed out the guys we don't like while they pledge." The entire process of this made me want to puke.

This created small talk amongst some of the brothers. An older, extremely douchey brother was sitting right behind me and goes "We said that last semester and now some of them are sitting among us." And then under his breath he goes "for instance, the guy in the fourth row, second seat."

I was sitting in the fourth row, second seat. I wanted to walk out at that very moment and never look back, but I didn't have the guts and I sat in my chair teary eyed and pretended like I didn't hear him. He said it loud enough so people definitely heard it. I had been nothing but friendly to this guy, but clearly he didn't like me because I didn't 'fit in' to his liking.

It was in that moment that I decided to quit.

I don't enjoy going to fraternity events anyways and I hate going to chapter with a passion. Don't get me wrong, I really love some of the brothers that I've met and gotten to know, but that's not a good enough reason to pay $950 a year for. I'll just chill with them on my own time. The last check I gave them will be the last check they ever receive from me.

I'm thankful for the experience and I'm proud of myself for pushing out of my comfort zone, but this is clearly not for me. There's 17,000 students at my school, I won't have a problem meeting new people. Especially ones that I want to be around and vice versa.

So fuck you Greek Life, you're a joke.


Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Divine Interference

My life is a rollercoaster ride at the moment. College is in full throttle and I'm doing my best to balance academics, studying, Fraternity functions, friends, art, etc.

'Etc.' aka coming out of the closet. It just so happened that I received a helping hand the other day in my coming out process. I finished classes around 4 PM and as I left to meet up with a friend, I walked through the Student Union. To celebrate it's one year anniversary since being built, there were booths, contests, free food, music and clubs/organizations handing out promotional flyers.

I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings as I walked through the festivities. In the midst of texting my friend back, a person standing beside a booth handed me a broacher. Without even looking up at the individual, I accepted the flyer and continued texting. Once I clicked send and dropped my phone back in my pocket, I looked down at the broacher and halted.

It was like an invisible wall came shooting out of the ground and I walked into it. I couldn't help but just stare at what I was holding with bewilderment.

I was holding onto something that I was considering doing for the last month now. On the front of the broacher, in large bold letters, had the words "Counseling Center" printed across it.

I am making an appointment next week! AHH!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Coming Out to Friends For the First Time

So Saturday morning I finally got to leave home after three months of Summer vaca, before it was time to move in and return back to school to begin my sophomore year in college! I wont lie, I was nervous. Whenever I leave one place and begin life at another, I always get nervous. Dunno why. But anyways, after a four hour drive, my parents and I pulled up at my school. We began unloading the cars and we were welcomed by the stifling heat. Fortunately, we managed to get everything in my dorm room relatively quickly. My parents did some unpacking for me, while I socialized with friends. ha That afternoon, I mentioned to one of my best friends Benton, that I had to tell him something important about someone we knew, but I had to tell him with Angela. He got pissed off and wanted to know that second, but that wasn't happening. I wanted to tell them while they were together, just because the three of us are really close. We're like a trio. At that point, only my brother and sister knew.

Later that afternoon, I went to check out Angela's new apartment that she got on campus. During that visit, I mentioned the same thing to her, that I had to tell her something important about someone we knew, but I had to tell her with Benton. Same reaction, she begged to know right than and there, but I refused.

That evening, my fraternity initiated the summer pledge class. It was a drag. After it ended, Benton and I left the fraternity function and drove over to Angela's apartment. I knew one of them would obviously bring it up once we got there. We were just chilling in her room and about five minutes later, Benton stabs me with the question. "Alright, now that we're both here, tell us what's so important".

My heart began pounding like I had just chugged ten Red Bulls. Angela's apartment is setup in a way that she and another girl share a loft upstairs, but there isn't any privacy and I didn't  want her roommate overhearing. I panicked and said "I'll tell you guys on the balcony," as I was already half way down the stairs. I guess I'm good at creating awkward situations, because when they walked out on the balcony, I was a step from fainting and they were staring at me like I was nuts. I told Benton to shut the door behind him, because the news was private. I knew at this point there was no turning back...
"The person I need to tell you guys about is me". Angela put her hands over her mouth and Benton kept asking "what, what, what?" I guess my emotions got the best of me because I was on the verge of crying. Angela said she was going to start crying if I started, so I composed myself. She jumps in and blurts out "you're a virgin?!" I laughed and said that I was but that wasn't what I needed to get off my chest.
I told them that I considered them my two best friends at school and what I was about to tell them was really personal. They stared at me with such intensity, to the point it felt like they were piercing into my soul. I looked up at them and just said it "Guys, I'm gay."
I tried to begin explaining, but they both started hugging me. At that second, it felt like the biggest weight had been lifted. They were both shocked, yet understanding. Being a straight acting, gay guy is so hard on so many levels. They began looking back and reflecting on past events, that kind of made the puzzle pieces align.
It was so cool to know that two of my friends know that I am gay! They didn't really ask me that many questions, which I was wasn't expecting. However, I did ask them if they ever suspected or thought I was gay and they simultaneously said "never". Benton did come up to me and ask if the words queer, homo, fag, 'that's gay', etc. offends me. They also asked me if I have ever done anything with a guy, which I have not...yet.
In the end, telling them was one of the  best decisions I've ever made. I love them like a brother and sister and trust them completely. I just want to keep telling people, but pray I get the same, supportive reactions!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Mental Pain of Being in the Closet

My mind is my worst enemy. I am in a constant fight for control. Usually it defeats me. This post is going to be very hard to explain, let alone write down in words, because it is so personal...but I will do my best.
Being gay has changed the way I think, more so then just liking guys instead of girls. I am currently struggling so much with loving and embracing myself. Going from hating yourself for over four years, to loving yourself, doesn't happen overnight. I thought there was no future and happiness for me, because I was so mentally convinced I was going to hell when I passed away. Being gay wasn't just a sexual orientation to me, it was a mental disease.

I would pray to whatever was out there, that if it couldn't make me straight, that it would at least kill me in my sleep. During the day I was a zombie. I would wake up and go through the motions of a day. I absolutely would have taken death over life.

Being gay has also made me a very jealous person. Even against the people that love me the most. I was jealous of my sister's outgoing and vibrant personality and my brothers excellent athletic ability. I felt like the child that wasn't supposed to be born. The black sheep of the family. The mistake, when my family was only supposed to consist of four people. I was so ashamed of myself.

My jealousy also attacked my friends as well. I was so miserable, that it made me happy if my friends(or anyone) failed at something. I would pretend to be apathetic towards them, but for some awful and twisted reason, I was relieved on the inside. I thought my jealousy was turning me into an evil person. I thought there was no escape from myself.

Being gay has also morphed my mind into this machine that thinks everyone is talking, looking and thinking about me. As if everyone knew I was gay. I didn't want to go to parties or hang out with certain people, unless they were close friends I felt 100% comfortable around. Ultimately, I began limiting myself. I'm always, especially in high school, thinking thoughts like "what if they think I'm a fag" "what if they hate me b/c they think I'm gay".
In college I struggle as well. In the very beginning of Summer semester last year, things started out rough. I didn't have a safety net to run to, like I had in the past. I was all alone for the first time in my life. A couple people I knew from high school were attending my college, but I never took initiative to hang out with them. My random roommate and I got along for the most part, but we didn't have similar interests. He surfed, skateboarded, played video games and watched Scrubs and That 70's Show all day, everyday. Two days after my start at college, I remember getting into the shower one night after a really, really shitty day and breaking down. I sat in the shower and just cried, for what seemed like the whole night. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was me hating the fact I was gay. Maybe it was because I didn't have my family for once. Maybe it was because my friends were gone. Maybe it was from all three. Miraculously, it seemed like the next day I began making all kinds of new friends.

Some of you reading this (who are also gay) might think I'm crazy for thinking all these things and being gay isn't THAT BAD, but it was for me. By 19, I knew in my heart that if I didn't start talking and telling people, I would eventually kill myself. Telling my brother this Summer quite possibly saved my life. If I never told him and remained closeted, my mind would have finished eating the last bit of hope that remained, and I honestly do not think I would have lived past 25.

Now that I have come out to my siblings, my life has changed more then it ever has. It's almost like a new person has stepped into my body. I finally realized this past year, there is a God who loves me, my jealousy issues are fading drastically and now I want to live. It feels incredible. I love this feeling so much and I've only told two people. This positive momentum makes me want to come out to friends ASAP.

This Summer was the most life altering three months I have ever experienced. It's like God finally jumpstarted my mind. I was meant to have this life. I was meant to go through that mental pain. I was meant to endure this life and come out standing. God has done this for a reason and I'm going to take his hand and see where he takes me next.

Sunday, August 15, 2010


Saturday night was extremely eventful to say the least! It was around 11 PM and my parents had hit the hay for the night. My brother, sister and I were in the TV room watching The Dark Knight on HBO. I knew tonight was the night I had to tell my sister. My brother and I were sort of eyeing each other from across the room, as he anxiously waited for me to begin.

All I could think about was the nervousness I felt the first time I came out. The butterflies started spinning in my stomach as I sat in the exact chair, prior to coming out to my brother. I knew at that very moment it was time...

I stood up, looked at my sister, gave a nod to my bro and said "I need to tell you something outside on the back porch". 'Just tell me here' she replied. I rolled my eyes and pressed forward, telling her I needed to say it outside in private. This sort of made things awkward. She glanced over and my brother was already sitting on the porch with a drink. She was suspicious and reluctantly got up and walked out with me. I sat down and threw the same question at her as I did my brother. It went something like this 'Has there ever been something you wanted to know about me?' She said no.

I said 'well, I like guys'. She stared at me for a good five seconds, then over at my brother and blurted out "are you guys playing some sort of joke on me!?" I couldn't help but smile. I started explaining, with the help of my brother. I told her everything. From the time I realized my attraction to guys, to my confidence and trust issues because of it. I began telling her about the horrible depression I went through and she started crying. Her crying made me start crying.

She was really supportive. The three of us talked for about two hours. My brother and sister were asking me questions and giving me their perspectives about things.

I'm still trying to comprehend that my siblings know my secret. It is such an accomplishment! I can breathe. It is the biggest feat that I've ever been able to tackle in my life. I told my sister how much I hate being different, but she told me that being different isn't all that bad. Everyone has their own issues and struggles, which I had never realized before, being so lost in my own issues. I was so focused internalizing my own fears, that I hadn't really noticed that other people have problems as well.

This summer has been the biggest transformation. I feel like I'm turning into a new person. My paranoia is less intense, my confidence is growing and I'm starting to love and accept myself. I haven't loved myself in a very long time. I've hated myself for so many years. I questioned why my friends were even friends with me and what asset I even contributed to the friendship. My siblings simply said, 'they like you for you'. I'm excited to come out to my friends and show them another part of who I am, I think they'll like it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010


One of the biggest celebrations a fraternity has each year is their Bid Party. It's a party throw in recognition for their "potentials," who got a bid to become pledges. Looking back at this night, I had no idea what I was in for and I don't think my pledge brothers did either.
The second we pulled up to the house, which was a mansion that some Alumni lived in, I knew it was going to be insane. Me and my other pledge brothers walked into this house and it was absolute chaos. There was hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol, a bar on the back porch, a beer pong table going, gin buckets in the kitchen, and about 80 people in attendance. Brothers were grabbing me in every direction, putting a shot glass in my hand and I was shooting them back like they were water.
I never really partied in high school, so I have a very low tolerance for alcohol and I'm skinny. After about an hour, I lost track at 13 shots and 30 gin buckets. I consumed a disgusting amount of liquor. Sometime of the course of the night, one of my pledge brothers came stumbling into the family room of the house and grabbed me to catch his balance. I was leaning against the back of a sofa and I flipped over it and smacked my face onto the wood frame around the glass table.
I got up and couldn't stop laughing. I was so drunk that I didn't feel anything. Angela grabs me and we start running to the bathroom. I start yelling "there's red stuff all over me!" I busted my nose and lip open and blood was all over my face, hands and clothes.
Not a single brother stopped to help, thank God Angela was at this party, along with Shelby. I was laughing the entire time, as we ran past the kitchen and down the hallway, skipping about ten girls who were in line to use the bathroom.
Once we got into the bathroom, she cleaned me up and then all of a sudden, both of us hear this noise coming from behind the shower curtain. Angela opens the curtain while I'm throwing up into the toilet and reveals a drunk chick pissing in the bathtub!
I don't remember leaving that bathroom and I blacked out for the very first time that night. The following day, Angela said she tried to go upstairs to bring me back to the dorms where we all live, but I was black out and the President of the frat wouldn't let her. So instead, she took my pledge brother Andrew, Shelby and Anna back to campus, who were all WASTED. Andrew tried hooking up with Shelby, but Angela had to physically kick him out of her car once she got them back to campous. She was an Angel that night.


I love art! Even as a young child, I've always been good at drawing and building things. In elementary school, the art teacher held a contest and chose the best piece of artwork from each grade. I was in second grade at the time and beat all the other kids in my grade! I drew a picture of a gator, go family is die hard UF fans. It went on display somewhere in town and my parents and I went to the location one weekend. It was the first time I felt really proud of myself. 
In sixth grade, I took a technology class, where me and two other buddies made the best video out of all of his classes.
In seventh grade, my Health teacher held a Drug Awareness contest. Each group had to draw a poster sized picture that contained five quotes within it. The other people in my group wrote a bunch of funny quotes, while I drew a picture of Spongebob and Patrick smoking joints and we won! She said the winners would get their picture turned into t-shirts, but she never did.
My sophomore year of High School, I took Spanish II and all the Spanish teachers assigned a video group project. Yeah you guessed it, me and my two friends Patty and Anita won! We made the absolute funniest video. I produced and directed the majority of it, so I was even more excited when we won. When presentation day came and we played our video in front of the class, our teacher started crying from laughing so hard. We received a standing ovation! That was really cool.
I also took Pottery I, II, III, AP 3D Design and Jewelry class(which had more guys then girls ha).
When I started college, I missed being able to get my hands dirty and make stuff with clay and cool material, so I began drawing. I'm in a psychedelic phase! I love how trippy this piece turned out! It took me two weeks to draw, in my free time. I'm doing an entire psychedelic series! Check the rest of the pieces out here