Saturday, December 31, 2011


A few months ago I got a dose of “WTF just happened?!”

It was a normal day and I had left my house to run some errands. With CVS in sight, I was strolling across the parking lot minding my own business like I always do. I get on the sidewalk and hear an obnoxious car engine blaring behind me. I figured it was some high school hoodlum showing off his muffler, so I ignored it.

Within a few seconds, the noise had gotten extremely close to me. Startled, I quickly turned around, assuming it was one of my friends trying to get my attention. Several of my buddies have souped-up cars, so I figured it was one of them that spotted me.  

Instead of seeing a familiar face, a crack head in her mid-fifties nearly plows into me with her beat up car. She drove the left side of her car up onto the sidewalk and was literally a foot away from hitting me. The car comes to a screeching halt as she sat tilted in her car at a 30 degree angle.

Just wait, if that wasn’t crazy enough. The conversation takes the cake…

Crack Head: "Excuse me! Excuse me sir!"

This woman was a hot mess along with the worst smoker’s voice I had ever heard.

Me: Umm hi?

Crack Head: "Will you please help me out and lend me some money? I just got out of the hospital because of my cigarette addiction. I can’t afford my medication" blah blah blah

Me: I’m sorry ma’am, I don’t have any money.

Crack Head: She snaps back and goes “Give me some of your money!”

This bitch had the NERVE to start giving me attitude and demand I give her money!

Me: I'll give you some advice. Maybe you should stop smoking cigarettes and you wouldn't be in this predicament.

Crack Head: "How dare you tell me what to do you disrespectful young man!"

Me: You’re a nasty old bitch

A combobulated slew of curse words and odd grumbling noises poured out of her mouth as she revved her car up and sped off down the road.

I guess I’m on her shit list...


Friday, December 30, 2011


I like to think of myself as an adventurous eater. I’m down to try anything once (unless it’s something weird like bison testicles or ostrich eyeballs).


I HATE vegetables.

Why do vegetables taste so gross? I need to start eating them but I want to gag when my dad puts a bowl of mushrooms or collard greens on the table for dinner (to name a few).

Luckily I do tolerate a few vegetables. Spinach, carrots, potatoes, corn and artichokes. Any other veggie is a no go…

If you’re a picky eater like myself, have no fear.

V8 Splash Berry Blend is AMAZING! I love it so much I started chugging a bottle down in two days. My mom stopped buying it because I was jacking up the food bill. The next time it goes BOGO at Publix I’m buying 8 of them.

Another good substitute for a veggie lacked diet is vitamins. I take Gummy Vites. I think they make them for little kids but whatever. They taste exactly like Harbo gummy bears. I have to force myself not to eat handfulls of them.

Ensure and Instant Breakfast are both good as well. I like Instant Breakfast a little better because it doesn’t have a chalky taste that Ensure has.

If I continuously incorporate these supplements, along with the three vegetables I am willing to add to my diet, I think I’m good to go.

95% of what I eat from now on is whole milk, bread, eggs, tea, yogurt, fruits, vegetables, protein shakes, rice, chicken, pasta, fish and peanut butter. Oh and did I mention Reece’s, Snickers, chocolate chip cookies, pizza, corn dogs, cookie crisp and Twinkies.

Eating properly is harder than I thought. It’s taken me about two years of living on my own to realize that but I do now. I function so much easier when I eat all my nutrients.

Fast food is so good but so bad for you. I get cravings for Chik-fil-A, Arby’s and Wendy’s all the time. Chik-fil-A’s peppermint milkshakes are way too good. I have dreams about them.

Not that I’m trying to watch my figure or anything. I’m dying to put on twenty pounds. Fast-food would be the easy way to obtain my goal but those foods are packed with chemicals and preservatives. I don’t want to reach my goal and have diabetes or a clogged artery on the side.

Okay, maybe that was a little extreme but you get what I'm saying. My parents RARELY let me eat junk food growing up for a reason.

The more I eat healthy foods, the more I'll start to enjoy them? Wishful thinking lol

I wish you all a healthy lifestyle as we start 2012!

I wish I was as enthusiastic about embracing and eating apples as she is...

Friday, December 23, 2011


I've wanted this tattoo for years! I never told my family about it because I thought they would judge me for getting one. None of my family members have tattoos, so I knew it was going to be 'different' for them. Since it was a tattoo in remembrance of my grandmother Rose, my parents were super cool about it...and because I didn't tell them how big I was getting it. haha As soon as I got home and walked in the door with the huge bandage, they freaked a bit.

Did it hurt? Yes. Anyone who says a rib tattoo doesn't hurt is a straight up liar. It's uncomfortable.

Luckily, it was really peaceful in the tattoo shop. My artist and I were the only ones in the shop for the entire duration of my session, so he played Jack Johnson and created a calm atmosphere for me.

The second he turned that needle on, I shut my eyes and told myself, if I couldn’t see it, it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I quickly realized it was a lot more painful to inhale while he was in the middle of tattooing me, because my stomach was pushing against the needle. Every time he stopped to wipe the ink/blood, I would breathe in as much air as possible and than exhale as he began tattooing again. I got into a good rhythm and it  helped reduce the pain significantly.

Different sections of the tattoo hurt at different levels. The cross and bottom of the stem didn't hurt at all, but certain areas of the ribs were extremely painful. The worst section was the very top of the rose, near my arm pit. Oh snap that hurt.

The first night I had such a restless sleep. I was waking up with intense shooting pains in different areas of my tattoo. That sucked, but fortunately each night got less and less painful, applying Aquaphor and Lubriderm generously. After a week or so, the pain was gone and I was able to shower and sleep with ease.

I'm so in love with it! I planned on getting it colored it, but I'm so mesmerized by how it looks like this. Maybe I will get it colored in eventually. Or maybe I'll do a watercolor affect. Or maybe I'll just get some simple shading to give it more of a 3D affect, I'm not really sure yet. Right now I'm just enjoying it, as is. I wanted it to be simple, yet elegant and he completely achieved what I had in mind. I miss you Nanny! <3 p=""> 

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Coming Out and Freeing Yourself

For some reason, I've been thinking about the coming out process a lot lately and how much it's transformed my life, so I'm going to revisit it. Coming out of the closet is hands down the best gift I have ever given to myself. If you're in the closet, just know you hold the key to your happiness. Don't expect everything to change over night, because coming out is a gradual process that takes time and healing. You're essentially nourishing your soul again. Heal it and it will bear fruit once again.

Coming out is the most freeing and comforting thing you could do for your mind, body and spirit. I used to constantly worry about having to censor what came out of mouth. I remember one time, I was driving with my parents and sister somewhere and I was afraid to take a nap in the car, with the fear that I would sleep talk and out myself. I'm not joking, that's how unbelievably fucked my brain was.

It feels so good to not have to worry about any of that ridiculous, mind-numbing paranoia anymore. I love being able to speak freely with my friends when a cute guy walks by and having the freedom to talk about dating, relationships and sex openly now. It’s vital to express your emotions instead of hoarding them.

I can remember every sensation, emotion, thought, and fear that flooded my brain on June 30th, 2010. The night I came out for the very first time to my older brother. Ross and I are eight years apart. Until he flew me out to Arizona to spend a week with him, back when I was in high school, I knew next to nothing about him.

He went off to college before I started 5th grade. The age gap prevented us from really knowing one another, until I was old and mature enough to kick it with him. He's now one of the first people I go to when I seek advice and he's an amazing guy. If you're ready to come out, chose someone that you're close to, that you know will provide comfort and reassurance. When you're first going through the process, you're fragile and you need to surround yourself around accepting and loving people.

The night I came out, I felt like I awoke from the Matrix of my own mind.

Friday, December 16, 2011

2012 New Year's Resolution

One thing that I am really realizing is just how much other people around me affect the things I think, do and say. The more I surround myself with positive, proactive people, the better I feel about myself. I feel like every person and friend was put into my life for a reason. They are here to teach me something about myself and vice versa, but honestly, some people aren't meant to stay in my life. I have a few friends that I need to distance myself from permanently. They aren't going anywhere in life. I guess it's just hard for me to let go of things...especially people. I want to help everyone and always be there for people, but I can only tolerate negativity to an extent. For instance, one person I know is always mean to me for no reason.

My friends keep telling me how much potential I have and I finally see that potential in myself. I have several changes to make and I am excited to tackle all of them. I have a long ways to go but I am so determined to become the man I know I was meant to become.

This is my New Year's Resolution

1. Stop hanging out with negative people
2. Go to bed by 11 p.m.
3. Eat healthy and gain 20 pounds
4. Work out five days a week
5. Pursue art seriously
6. Pray as much as possible and grow in my relationship with the Lord
7. Read the Bible. For first week read 25 verses, 35 versus following week
8. Listen to a confidence video everyday
9. Stop watching porn
10. Stop cursing
11. Be genuine to everyone. Be a great friend, brother and son to my friends and family.
12. Start networking and selling art
13. Stop trying to make everyone else happy
14. Open up to Mom and Dad more
15. Eat more fruits and vegetables and no more fast-food
16. Always tell the truth, no matter how hard it may be
17. Practice yoga twice a week
18. Make more genuine friendships with good people
19. Build self-confidence
20. Love myself

For the first time in my life I know what my priorities are.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

People's Reactions to me Coming Out

“Did you get a girl pregnant?” –Ross

“Does this mean you don’t like working out?” –Monica

“I thought you were going to tell us you had cancer!” –Angela

“You’re either gay or you like me...” –Anita

“I knew it! I wish you came to me sooner, so we could have skipped school and talked.” –Patty

“There’s nothing gay about you.” –Tiffany

“Never use KY warming jelly when you’re having sex, it feels like hot diarrhea sliding in and out of your ass.” –Kathleen

“We need a codename for cute guys when we’re together! Buckcherrys!!” -Dorie

“I always wanted to ask a gay guy this. It’s not a choice…is it?” –Mom

“No fucking way! Guys, is he being serious?” –Sabina

“Oh, that’s cool” –Alexis

“Now that I think about it, you never seemed interested when we jokingly turned on porn with the guys.” –Jake

“Can I tell my mom that you’re gay?” -Ryan

“You’re an undercover gay.” –Jill

“Now I can run up to you whenever a hot guy comes into Tropical Smoothie!” -Anamaria

"I always wanted a gay best friend and now I have one!" -Rachel

“You know I love you either way. I don’t care about that stuff.” -Tyler

“He’s seriously too cute to be gay.” Julie and Sam

“You’re one of my best friends, how did I not know this?! My gaydar freaking sucks.” –Angel

“My gay friend and I were looking through your Facebook pictures to determine if you were straight or gay. We concluded you were straight. I’m like a fruit fly, the gay’s just flock to me!” –Kaitlin

“So you like that big black dick in your mouth, eh.” Kelsey

“Well at least I was your first make-out buddy. You’ll never forget me!” –Sammie

“Did you ever think I was gay?” –Kyle

“So are you still going to get married to a girl?” –Sarah

“That makes two of us, I’m bi! Oh shit, did I just say that out loud?” -Julia

Sunday, November 20, 2011


Several of my friends have dabbled with shrooms but I have yet to experience a hallucinogen. Strictly pot for the last four years, but I am so curious what that experience is like! It’s not that I have a burning desire to try shrooms, but if I got offered to try them, I probably would if I was with the right people in the right environment. It really intrigues me how ingesting a fungi can alter your perception on life. How could it not?!

Some people refer to them as the ‘creative and spiritual portal’. Here's a few stories I've heard through friends/people...

  • My brother’s ex-girlfriend said she and her friends got chased out of a farm pasture for picking shrooms. The farmer was so used to teenagers and young adults trespassing onto his farm to pick shrooms off the cow manure, that he would run out onto the front porch with a shotgun to scare them away.
  • A dude I worked with said he had a spiritual epiphany and was on the ground, in tears of joy.
  • A family friend, who attends graduate school at my University, said some of her greatest memories are while tripping on mushrooms 
The best shroom conversation I ever had was with my Speech Professor last year. We had to give a five minute informational Speech on any topic, so I chose psilocybin mushrooms. The teacher was walking around the room to approve each student's topic and I got pretty nervous when she got to my desk. I handed her my rough draft and her face lit up!

She crouched down next to me and started whispering that she used to do LSD and shrooms when she was my age! “Between you and me, I had my fair share of mushroom experiences.” Once she walked back to her desk, after talking to each of us individually, she announces “I can’t wait until ‘my name’ presents his presentation!" Hahaha

The class probably thought I was a hardcore druggy. I got a 100% on that speech and incorporated my drawings throughout the PowerPoint!!

Would you guys ever do magic mushrooms? If not, why? If you have, how was your experience??!

Friday, November 18, 2011


Here's a quick update on my life:

I haven't been going to counseling or the LGBT group meetings. The group meetings were really not what I had expected. I found bits and pieces of the sessions useful, but not enough to go back. I did make a friend though and ran into her at a party, so that was fun! As far as the one-on-one counseling goes, I just wasn't growing from my new counselor. I think I outgrew it, which is a good thing! If I need to talk to her in the future about something, I'll make an appointment.

For the last two months, myself and 300 other students met every Thursday night on a parking garage rooftop. Why you ask? Because we did a FLASH MOB! It turned out to be such an amazing dance and I ended up being in the front row, what what! (white shirt with the black backpack) I met some cool peeps and laughed the entire time at my inability to dance. Dorie and I (my future roomie) are on the same level, so we were placed in the less talented group. Bahaha

We cry over our shitty dance moves by going bowling

Story: For the entire month of October, there was a 21st birthday party every weekend. On one of those weekends, Molly was throwing a rager at her apartment for her roommates 21st. I met Molly, who immediately became my best friend in Advanced Writing for the Media class. She and I just clicked within minutes after meeting on the first day of class. People were naturally gravitating towards us to be in our clique. Humble brag.

Well it just so happens that my girl Shelby was also coming into town with her bestie Nikki and their two guy friends. To read our first sloppy, drunk trio adventure, click right here. Shelby went to my school Freshman year and than left, but she comes back to visit me every six months or so! Once they arrived, she and my nigga Nikki start raving about this stuff called Cloud 9, that's basically legal pot. I had no idea what they were talking about, so we drove to the Muslim gas station and picked some up.

We still don't know what it is haha The package says herbal incense, but what does that mean? We got back to my apartment and pulled out my rolling papers that I've never used in my life and I attempted to roll three joints, one for the each of us. We went outside onto my balcony and smoked them. I definitely felt something, but it wasn't the same as being high. I felt buzzed. We went upstairs to my room and started playing with this giant bag of condoms that Shelby gave to me. There were like 100 condoms in there and when I asked her why she had so many, she looked over at Nikki and just smiled. So apparently Nikki went into the Health building, where they have bowls of free condoms and jacked ALL the condoms haha we started blowing them up like balloons and drawing faces on them with Sharpies, like we're ten years old.

After that, we all started feeling stoned so we went on a walk around the entire campus to check out some soccer game that was going on at the fields and catch up.

The following evening Shelby used her fake and we got Four Loko's from the Muslim gas station. It's THE gas station to go to if you're under aged, they seriously don't care. It's the same gas station that we got all of our alcohol from Freshman year. If you have the money, you're 21 haha Once we got back to my place, we got ready for the party and chugged our disgusting beverages.

As soon as we walked into Molly's apartment, she screamed, ran up and bear hugged me. She is seriously the bubbliest and most kindhearted human being. I just love her. We ran into her kitchen and started taking SHOTS! That was Shelby and I's theme song Freshman year! We all stood in a circle and started doing Yager bombs and vodka shots. About twenty minutes after arriving, I already had to puke, so I ran outside and upchucked on the side of the apartment building, in some bushes.

As I was walking back inside, I was told that I saw Shelby standing on the front lawn, answering a phone call and I pounced on her out of excitement. We went down. She landed on her bad leg. It popped. I don't remember any of it.

After that, the last thing I remember is lying down in the parking lot next to Shelby's car and than being in my apartment again. I got sloppy and had one of the worst hangovers of my life. I woke up and felt like I got hit by a truck. This is the last hangover I've ever had. I went down stairs and found the two guys sleeping on my kitchen floor. Nikki was sitting on the couch drinking water and Shelby was sitting on the floor, against the wall with ice on her leg. I asked her what happened and she goes '"ou attacked me!" I seriously lost it and busted out laughing. We all did. She was so cool about it and said she fractured it so many times playing softball in high school, that it's easily prone to injury now.

They went to Denny's and I stayed in bed, with a killer hangover, until they left at 4PM.

I'm going to stop start drinking. I hate feeling like shit and wasting my weekends away in bed, feeling nauseas. My goal is to cut all fast food and replace it with more fruits and vegetables. I started going to a two hour spin class every Wednesday night with Angela and yoga on Thursday and Friday's with Kaitlin. Friday yoga is my favorite! The teacher is excellent and there are some beautiful guys that attend that class. It's hard to stay in a meditative state of mind, when there's so many studs there.

Tonight I went to a concert to see Casting Crowns live for my first time. They were really good live and had the audience laughing in-between songs.

And finally, some art updates. My drawing II class has taught me so much and I don't want it to end! My teacher focused the semester on us drawing skeletons. At first, I wasn't feeling it but the more I put my heart into the class, I enjoyed it.

My teacher chose me, among 11 other students, to be in her Mural Project class, that takes place next semester! We get to paint a mural of my mascot on the side of Sbarros, in the middle of the food court. I feel so blessed to be apart of that. The class takes place at her house and we'll be painting on her driveway and using the kilns in her garage.

So without further adieu, here are a few of my skeleton drawings...

Have a great weekend! Peace

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

How Do You Approach a Guy?

College campuses are swarmed with hot guys! Now that I am growing into myself and fully accepting my sexuality, I have been checking out other cute guys way more than usual. I'm so horny. My friend came up with a clever code name for checking out guys. 'Bird watching', so ever since, the name stuck.

My question to you guys: Is there a particular way to check a hot guy out when you walk past him, so you make it obvious that you're gay? This is a stupid question, but If I'm walking and I see a hot guy coming towards me, I start freaking out on the inside:



That’s a classic example of what goes through my mind when I walk past a guy I am attracted to.

I always remember people who smile at me, so I figure I'll start doing to the same to every cute guy I see and maybe I'll leave a lasting first impression on them.

Single forever.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


I need some reassurance right about now. I recently made a big change in my life. I changed my major from Advertising to Fine Arts. As happy as I am to be in a major I love, I am terrified I won’t be able to find a job once I graduate! I know these classes will enhance and improve my skills and my confidence as an aspiring artist.

I just wish someone in my family could relate to me. My dad is in Law, my mom worked in the medical field and now Law, and my brother and sister are accountants. I can’t relate to them at all.

I actually just got off the phone with my dad and he asked me, “So what kind of jobs can you get with a fine arts major?” That’s the problem, I’m not really sure. I have a go with the flow type of personality. I don’t research things to a serious extent like I need to, I just follow my heart. I need to begin looking for internships and networking with art companies, galleries, other artists, ect.

I have no desire whatsoever to become an art teacher. I dream of one day working for an art company and selling my artwork on the side, eventually becoming a well-known artist. That would be AMAZING!

I love art so much and I know I have the capability of making it big one day. I just need to trust in myself and work hard to achieve the things I want.

Here’s my latest drawing I did in my free time:

Sunday, November 6, 2011


Friday afternoon I came out to my friend Britt who I've have been dying to tell for a while now. She is easily one of the funniest human beings I have ever had the delight to meet. I ran out of the arena once my yoga class was over and met up with her at the Student Union. We always jokingly talk about hooking up and I find it hysterical. She was nice enough to ask me to her sorority formals all three years. Freshman year AXO Semi was one of the best nights of my life. I couldn’t go last year because her Semi landed on my birthday and this year I wanted her to have the opportunity to go with a straight guy.

Staying toasty and looking extra awkward haha

We sat down at a table in the Student Union and I told her almost immediately. She was so freaking cool about it! I swear, I would have never guessed just how accepting every single one of my friends are. I have the best support group.

Then she tells me that her older brother is gay!! She said that her brother uses an app on his phone to find other guys like himself in his area called Grindr. It definitely sounds more like a hookup app. haha After Britt and I talked for a bit, she had to go to work, so I headed to the library.

Who do I run into? My friend Tiffany that I went to high school with, whom I've wanted to come out to for awhile as well. I knew telling her was going to be interesting because she had the biggest crush on me in high school. She's adamant that we kissed in high school but I have no recollection of it and she still gives me shit to this day for not asking her to prom. Ha

When I told her I was gay, she would not accept it. I knew this was going to be her reaction, so it didn’t surprise me at all. “No! I don’t believe you. No, you’re not gay! There’s nothing gay about you! Stop lying to me!” haha

This went on for a few minutes, until she realized I was being serious. Unfortunately, she was meeting up with her friends so our conversation got cut short, but she sent me a text saying it doesn’t change the way I look at you! I’m sad you waited so long but I’m happy you told me :) Call me whenever. I’m serious!

Monday, October 31, 2011

Shirtless Cheshire Cat Halloween Costume!

I hope you guys have an awesome Halloween! Let me know what you guys dressed up as. I'm overdue for a long post to fill you guys in on my life but for now, here's my costume...

The Cheshire Cat

Thursday, October 6, 2011


I feel awkward writing it down but here it goes...

Talk about having no idea what was going on with my body. To make things even better, I wasn’t alone. Oh no, my first boner popped when I was 13 years old at my friend’s house. My friends James, Christian and I were upstairs in James’ room shooting the shit and watching Not Another Teen Movie for the first time. My penis came to life for the first time once a very specific scene from the movie activated all the hormones in my body. Jake Wyler, played by Chris Evans, walks into the room butt naked. His nipples and penis are covered with whipped cream and he's trying to entice the main actress to have sex with him. My eyes were glued to the television. I had to quickly lay down on my stomach to hide the tent I had pitched.

 I would love to lick the whipped cream off him

Luckily it went away and they didn’t notice it. After I got home the following day from the sleepover, I rewatched that scene of the movie probably 50 times. That was the first time I was fascinated by the male body. Chris Evans you popped my boner cherry, thanks man.

Flash-forward a few months...

Me and a group of friends snuck into the theaters to see Fantastic Four. I was SO excited because I knew Chris Evans was going to be in the movie! I think this guy really enjoys stripping down in front of the camera, because he was practically naked in a scene of that movie too! Got another boner haha He is such a hunk!

Friday, September 16, 2011


It was all too familiar. I sat in the seat and prepared myself for round two. There were three other people in the waiting room as I felt my heart beating through my chest. I fumbled for my phone in my backpack and text Angel, who ironically also happened to be in a waiting room. I was counting down the seconds until my new counselor Noelle walked into the room, called my name and introduced herself.

We headed into the back and she led me into one of the rooms. We first touched upon my previous counseling experiences with Lauren. Then I gave her a quick overview of myself. Afterwards, she asked me what I think we could do to build my self-confidence up more. I told her I still feel kind of alone, because I don’t have any gay friends to hang out with.

So get this. She told me that she started an LGBT group within the counseling center and invited me to join the next meeting. I have no idea who else is in the group and this is totally out of my comfort zone by a long shot, but I agreed and I'm going! Of course, I'm nervous as hell but life is about taking risks and being courageous. I know it's time for me to start meeting other gay people.

I’ll let you guys know how it goes. Hopefully there’s some hotties in the group! ;)

“College was a huge time for me to grow and try out new things. I mean, I guess I really started to embrace - by that point- being an individual.” -Dominic Monaghan

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


My friend Rachel threw a birthday party for herself on Friday night. Since she lives on campus, three of her other friends offered to have the party at their apartment. Two of the people who live at the apartment are girls and the third person is an openly gay guy. There were quite a few gay guys there, which was awesome, but none were my type. I didn’t know anyone at this party and didn’t want to be rude and invite other people (which I regret not doing) so I went alone.

Anyways, my roommates were smoking and drinking before going to another party, so I pregammed with them and took two shots of Bacardi and a couple blunt rips.

I got to the apartment and I was definitely feeling good. I open the door and the place was packed but I saw a familiar face. A girl from my Drawing I class from last year who is also in my Drawing II class this semester. I got excited and we naturally started chatting things up. She mistook my friendliness for flirting though. She is a really cool and funny chick, so I was just drawn to talking to her.

All of a sudden her twin sister comes out of nowhere and holds up her phone, “smile guys!”

Thankfully I didn’t have to marinate in the awkwardness for long.

Rachel to the rescue.

She was drunk and wanted to do shots, so I excused myself and went to the kitchen with her. We did birthday shots and then she poured us drinks. My phone started ringing so I grabbed my drink and went outside. I was tipsy at that point and I poured part of my drink over my pants. Only me…So I ran to my car and started patting my crouch with napkins from my glove compartment. I remember blasting Party Rock Anthem in my car, chugging the rest of my drink and calling friends from back home.

After my pants were dry, I went back into the party and saw a bunch of people getting ready to play ring of fire (a drinking game with cards) so I walked out back to participate and the girl followed. We talked for a bit longer, until she went back inside with her twin sister.

Then her roommate puts me on the spot. She asks me in front of everyone, if I like the girl. I said I thought she was a cool girl and that's all.

Then a random kid playing ring of fire interrupts and goes “I don’t mean to sound rude but don’t be a bitch, just say yes or no.

I was drunk. I said I liked her. The girl’s roommate smiled and told me that she'll put in a good word for me. I start panicking and went back inside to find Rachel. I finally find her, grab her and we start walking outside.

As we’re heading towards the front door, the girls roommate grabs me by the wrist and goes “are you two going out there to hook up??!” THAT BITCH IS CRAZY. I told her to relax and that we were going outside to talk about something. Then she goes “oh ok, because the only person you should be hooking up with tonight is my roommate.”

Rachel and I we’re too drunk to actually have a serious conversation and we ended up just laughing over the fact that none of these girls knew I like dick.

Rachel to me I need to just tell the girl I am gay to stop leading her on. Which I totally didn’t mean to do in the first place. I have to deal with this sort of thing at the majority of the parties I go to. We went back inside but the girl, her sister and the roommate had left the party. I felt relieved, but I really enjoyed hanging out with the girl for the night. Things just get weird when you have to drag your sister and roommate into the situation. After that I called it a night and left around 1:30.

I had class with the girl today. Things weren’t awkward but we didn’t talk much. I didn’t have a long enough opportunity to come out to her, but when the chance comes, I will.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

100TH POST!!

100 POSTS!?? What a victory!

I am so proud of myself! I have come so far in my journey of self discovery. 13 months ago I blogged for the first time and things have never been the same. Blogging is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever given to myself.

I willingly opened myself up to emotions that I had buried within myself for years. Each victory helped me move forward in becoming who I wanted to become. You guys witnessed some of the lowest lows of my life. If it weren’t for my blog, I would have never met and received the advice and guidance you all gave and still give me.

Coming out of the closet is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Knowing my entire journey is documented is a great feeling! I will always have the opportunity to look back at each milestone and reflect upon the challenges I faced and how I always stayed strong and held onto hope.

I can’t thank you guys enough for all you have done for me. You guys knew exactly what I was feeling and it’s the most comforting thing when I receive reassuring feedback and uplifting comments. Thank you for not making me feel alone on this journey.

To all 122 of my followers, thank you so much.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Inspiration for my First Tattoo

For some reason I always do self-reflecting while showering, but this time I was having flashbacks of my grandmother. My Nanny and Pop were always there for me and my siblings growing up. Nanny and Pop we’re the coolest grandparents ever! My Pop could fix anything and spent every waking second outside getting his hands dirty. My Nanny was a bad ass cook and had the most gentle soul! She could cook an Italian dinner like no other. These traditions are some of my favorite memories, like making homemade manicotti and pizzelles as a family for Christmas.

My grandparents would have my brother, sister and I over for sleepovers and then take us to our favorite diner, Mr. Deli’s, for breakfast. They would dance with us in the living room, play cards, (and usually let us win), taught us how to play bocce ball and were always full of life and happiness. Nanny and Pop always emphasized the importance of family and having a good time.

The day before Nanny passed away, my family and I went to visit her in hospice. I remember her room had Christmas decorations that my dad and I put up for her. She was just lying there in the bed and I could barely contain myself from crying. She was frail and lifeless. I knew in my heart that she was on her way to Heaven, sooner than I had wanted though.

Ironically, that same day, I finished a ring I made in my jewelry class. I had it in my backpack and I wanted to give it to Nanny. I took the ring out and I excitedly told her how I made it for her. I saw a faint smile on her face, as she took the ring from me and put it on her finger. She wore it all afternoon as my family members came in and out of her room to say their final goodbyes. I slid the ring off Nanny’s finger once I left that day. The following day she passed away on December 11, 2007. That ring holds more sentimental value to me than any other object I have. It is now hung on a chain on my rear view mirror in my car. I know she's always watching over me.

So after a lot of thinking and reevaluating, I made up my mind. Over Winter Break, I’m getting my first tattoo in commemoration of my Nanny. She has made such a remarkable impact on my life.

“May your guardian angel watch over you”. -Nanny

Monday, August 29, 2011

I'll Never Forget You Lauren

This past Wednesday I went to the Counseling Center to reunite with my amazing, fantastic and unbelievably helpful counselor. I haven’t been so sad and upset since my grandmother past away when the woman behind the counter uttered the words

“I’m sorry sir, Lauren left.”

I just stood there and felt this wave of sadness wash over me. I wanted to plop down and start crying right where I stood. I had to fight my emotions and accept the fact she moved on with her life. At first I was angry that she didn't tell me she was leaving, but I realized she probably couldn't due to confidentiality reasons.

Besides my family members and close friends, Lauren helped me grow as a person more than any other person I have ever met in my life. She became more than my counselor, she became someone I looked up to in so many ways. She listened to me no matter what I said, she didn’t laugh at the ridiculous things I would say, she gave me the most amazing advice and I will forever cherish the time we spent together. I looked forward to our Friday appointments each week!

I would leave our sessions with such a boost of confidence and the biggest smile on my face. Lauren knows about my blog and has the URL, so if you are reading this, I want you to know you have a very special place in my heart. I hope wherever you are, that you're happy. I miss you so much! Thank you for helping me when my soul was broken.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


I went to a nudist festival last week! It was crazy you guys. I’ve never seen so many penises, vaginas and boobs in my life. Luckily, the majority of people there were in their twenties, but I did cross paths with a few super old naked people. And I even saw a nine month pregnant woman with her entire belly painted! It was interesting to say the least. Haha I loved every second of it, I am on a mission to become as open minded as I possibly can.

Michelle and I had never been to a nude resort before and we had a blast. There were local bands playing, a glow in the dark paint booth, a bonfire and a drum circle. I spotted 4 or 5 really hot naked guys which was AWESOME! Lol But what wasn’t so awesome was the ridiculous amount of mosquitos. My ankles, arms and back got eaten up by insect bites. I counted over 100 bites on my body the next morning and the constant itching is so uncomfortable. It’s all good though. This naked festival was out of my element. I’m sure you’re wondering if I stripped down…nope. Haha I was getting bit way too much, so I put my shirt back on. I planned on wearing my board shorts and painting my entire body but with the lack of bug spray, Michelle and I put our clothes back on. Patty was also there so that was cool! I think she was on ecstasy, not really sure.

I’m going to miss Monday nights with my best friend Rachel. Every week we got together and watched Teen Wolf together. We got so much closer this summer and she has helped me through so much of this journey. I love you Rayray.<3 p="">
I worked my final shift at Tropical Smoothie which was super sad. I grew to love all of my co-workers, to the point where we’re like a big family. One of them happens to be really cute. I’ll call him ‘D’. D just got hired about a week ago but here’s the kicker. His friends came into our work a couple days ago and told one of my co-workers that he was gay. At first she thought his friends were messing with her, but one of those guys told her that D just acts straight, but he’s really gay and that the two of them had even hooked up before. Who tells a stranger all this?

So of course Ashley tells me about it and I am really attracted to him. The problem is that we don’t know if his friends we’re lying or not…but regardless, what they said was messed up.

That same day I met D at work, I went over to his apartment and chilled with he and another one of our coworkers, Christian. That night I came out to Christian, who sent me this once I got home:

 Me: 'Hey dude thanks for being cool about my sexuality'

 Christian: "Naa dude honestly if ur gay ur the straightest gay guy I know lol like that honestly makes me take back a lot of things I've said about homosexuality. I appreciate the fact that you felt comfortable telling me and ur a freakin bro in my book."

Last night I get a call from Brown and Ashley, telling me that they we’re closing with D. So I drove over to TSC and I get so nervous around him. D seemed really excited when I got there and even answered Anna’s phone when I was calling her to let them know I was on my way. Once I got there, we locked the front door, got into the walk-in fridge and lit up a blunt. It was nuts!! The fridge is really small so the four of us we’re squished together, literally shoulder to shoulder…but who’s complaining? ;)

D and I even shot gunned the blunt together! Our lips were literally an inch apart. He took a hit from the blunt and blew the smoke through the blunt into my mouth. We finished the blunt and decided to head out.

I started rolling around on the floor by the smoothie station and I couldn't stop laughing. We were too high to stay there, so we closed up and talked in the parking lot. A cop drives by us and turns into the parking spot about fifteen feet away. Luckily nothing happened and he/she just sat in the car, but it ruined our high.

Afterwards, I went to Patty’s house and I was so baked. Of course, we run into her parents who were just getting home and I had to hold a conversation with her mom. haha I hate having to talk to my friend's parents when I'm stoned. I get so worried that they'll know.

Then I went to Rachel’s house for our final Teen Wolf night.

It was definitely an odd night.

The work crew went to the movies last night!!

Brown, Evan, Culo, Me, Renee and Stewart

Thursday, July 21, 2011


I think I failed to mention (on purpose) what happened when I met a guy on a dating site. Well get ready...because shits about to get real interesting.

Rewind to September 2010. I was NO where near ready to delve into any sort of relationship, but I was so torn between fighting emotions and hormones. I had never hooked up with a guy and hearing the same phrase “How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never hooked up with a guy before?” was starting to drive me crazy.

I created a profile on OkCupid and two days later I logged back on and had 147 messages. I was receiving some very disturbing and gross messages from people. I wasn't really into any of the guys who messaged me. About two weeks later, I met a guy who was attractive and our match percentage was 98%. I shot him a message. I didn’t think anything of it, because he was living in Los Angeles pursuing an acting/modeling career, while I was a full time student across the country.

He was very nice and charming as we began to message each other more frequently. Messaging  turned into emailing. Emails escalated into texting. Texts turned into Skyping and talking on the phone. We started Skyping till 4, sometimes 5 and even onetime 6 in the morning. He was three hours behind me so I suppose he was still getting decent sleep, but it began taking a toll on me. He would get upset if I tried to go to bed. Instead of doing homework and studying for exams, I was chatting up this dude...

One day while we were Skyping after I got back from class, he told me he was flying to Florida to see me. I was like "say WHAT?" He said he was coming for five days and he wanted to live with me in my dorm room. Luckily my roommates and I each had our own room, or else this would have never worked.

We had been communicating for 3 weeks and I was anxious to see what he was like in real life. I had informed very few people about what was going on. Two of my three roommates knew, along with Angela, Rachel, Michelle and my sister.

Before he arrived, I cut my hair, manshaved, tanned, cleaned my room so it was spotless, washed all my sheets and plugged in some Glade scented 'candles'. Once he landed, he rented a black Dodge Charger  and came straight to my school. Once he arrived, I walked down to the lobby, FREAKING OUT. There he was, standing there with the biggest smile on his face. I walked up to him and he bear hugged me. It was somewhat embarrassing. I got into his car and we drove to the parking lot. The first couple minutes we’re extremely nerve wrecking for me. I didn't know how to act or what to say. Once we returned from the parking lot, we got into the elevator and RACHEL just happened to be in there with two of her friends!

She knew who he was because I told her about him, but I couldn’t even speak. I was literally frozen. We just stared at each other and smiled because she could tell I was beyond nervous.

We got into my room and he was clearly nowhere near as nervous as I was. He just dropped his bags, flicked off his sandals and jumped up on my bed. He was on vacation. I sat down in my desk chair and didn’t know what to do. The first thing my mind told me to do was CALL YOUR SIS! I grabbed my phone and we made small talk. I even made her talk to him! Haha she was a trooper though.

After the phone call he told me he had a surprise for me and made me close my eyes and holdout my hands. I open my eyes and there was a build a bear in my hands. It gets worse. When I pressed the hand, the song T-shirt by Shontelle would start playing. Ugh I'm not into romantic gifts like that. He even had his friend film him in the store as he picked out the bear and got it stuffed, which he pulled up on his phone and showed me.

That night I went on my first date in my entire life. We saw the worst horror movie I’ve ever seen in my life. My Soul to Take in 3D. The movie was such garbage. Every time a scary part came up, he would inch his hand closer to mine. Once the movie ended, we drove back to my dorm and he insisted we watch another movie to make up for how shitty the one we just saw was. He put on the new Nightmare on Elm Street and that was the first time I was in bed with another guy. I sat in the corner and he cuddled up next to me and threw the sheets over us. We just kinda started kissing about ten minutes into the movie and I received my first blow job that night. From a model! Haha

This kid was a die hard Florida State fan. He got like 8 tickets for a home game that weekend in Tally. Two nights later, he insisted that I meet one of his family friends that live twenty minutes from my campus. The two kids were going to the game with us,  so he wanted me to meet them, along with their parents. I agreed, but I was superrrr nervous. I didn't show up to a Fraternity function and went with him instead.

We pulled up into the families driveway and he goes “oh yeah, by the way, they don’t know I’m gay. I told them we were friends since elementary school” and all this other bullshit.

I am a very calm person but holy shit I FLIPPED OUT ON HIM. So I basically had to lie to this family. It was suchhhh an awkward situation.

We got into the house and luckily the family was really cool. They cooked us this gigantic meal of fried chicken, mash potatoes and even baked a cake.

I knew it was coming...We sat down for dinner and they started asking me nine zillion questions about us growing up together. I almost started laughing at one point, I thought it was so ridiculous I was being forced to lie to this nice family. I kinda just wanted to out him and myself. The main reason he had me meet the family was because we we’re going to spend the night at their house, the night before we left for Tally. The parents were going to be out of town that night, so he wanted to have a sleepover there and get an early head start.

So the night before the game we drove back to the house. His friends parents were in NYC, so it was just the four of us. He and I were sleeping in the guest room, that had two beds, and he kept trying to get in mine.

The next morning we got up, filled our stomachs with Chikfila and drove to Tally.

This is where things got weird. I liked the two kids we drove up with, but the other three friends of his I met at the tailgate were hella weird. So half his friends knew he was gay(and myself as well) while the other half (who we drove up with) did not. He kept putting me in these weird predicaments and it really started to piss me off, especially since he didn't give me any warnings, until moments before. That's when he really started frustrating me.

He bought us matching shirts at one of the shops we stopped at before the game, which I insisted I didn't need. I was already wearing a garnet colored shirt. It was nice of him, but not really necessary. The worst part was when we approached the ticket gate. He purposely split our tickets from the rest of our group. So the two of us sat on one end of the stadium, while everyone else sat on the other end. His exact words were “I want you all to myself.” But again, I thought it would be fun to all be together so I could have bonded with his friends, instead of shuffling off in different directions. Especially since he never gets to see these friends. He started giving me weird vibes.

Remember when I said he was a crazy FSU fan. He glittered his head, had cheerleader pom-pom in his back jean pockets and was decked out in Seminole attire from head to toe, literally. Come to find out, he is one of those obnoxious fans who screams during every play and feels the need to make a comment every ten seconds. I did not enjoy myself at all. I was so excited once that game ended.

I just wanted to get away from him. We met up with the rest of his friends and we decided to stop at steak and shake for dinner. On our drive to the restaurant, I stared out the car window and watched as a girl gave a guy road head in his Jeep. Everything happening around me was just too much. As we’re walking into the restaurant, the two friends who we drove up with entered first. I'm in the midst of walking in, when he comes up behind me and slaps my ass as hard as he can. I turned around and he’s giving his friends (the ones who knew we were gay) one of those ‘douchey smiles’. I was so angry. I wanted to deck this kid in the face and strangle him in a wrestling move. Instead, I ignored him for the remainder of the trip. He was such a different, unpleasant person around his friends and I can't stand people who are fake. The ride home sucked. I pretended to sleep.

The worst was when it was finally time for him to go back to the airport. I drove him there and the second he shut my car door, I was GLOWING with excitement to get back to my life and be with my friends again. I got home from the airport and decided to clean my room, cook some dinner and take a nap. I woke up from my nap and I had over a dozen missed calls and voicemails from him. I was so confused because he should have been on an airplane, without cell service. Come to find out, his plane was overbooked and he accepted the offer to fly out the following day, with an upgrade to First Class.

MOMENTS after reading this text, someone started knocking on my door. 'It can’t be him, this isn’t happening!' were the first thoughts to run through my head. I opened my door and SURE ENOUGH, his ass was standing there. All I could say to him was "I thought I dropped you off at the airport…?" He bought a taxi and came all the way back to my dorm, just to spend another night. I wanted to evaporate into thin air. We messed around in bed that night and the following day, I lied and said I had class, so I wouldn’t have to drive him all the way back to the airport again.

Once he left, I was so relieved. He just wasn’t right for me, at all. We were two people who just didn’t click, even though OkCupid told us we were a 98% match. He started referring to me as his boyfriend. We were not dating. He changed his ringtone to Teenage Dream by Katy Perry when I called him. It was turning into a nightmare.

I had no desire to keep in touch with him, so I stopped replying as frequently as I was. Eventually he asked me what was happening and I tried to send him a long text explaining to him that I just didn't think we were going to work and I appreciated our time together, but I needed to focus on school.

We had one final Skype session shortly after I sent him that text. He really looked like shit and I genuinely felt bad that he was taking this 'break up' so badly. He was crying and I told him I was sorry but I needed to focus on school and academics and that I didn't want to do the long distance thing anymore. I said Goodbye, closed my computer and I haven't  spoken or seen him since.

What did I learn from this experience?

1. That yes I am gay. I enjoyed the hook-ups but it was definitely with the wrong guy, even though I was physically very attracted to him.

2. I am a lot stronger of a person than I think I am. Especially for all the awkward situations I put myself in.

3. Take chances and LEARN from those experiences

4. Always trust your gut instincts.

5. Be careful when you use dating websites/apps. Even if the person seems like a perfect match, they could be completely incompatible in real life

6. There's so much more to a person than their looks.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Working at Tropical Smoothie

Every single person I work with is so incredibly cool. We all go out together after work and goof off the entire time. Ok, maybe not the entire time, because we get our shit done, but if you could only see what goes on behind the scenes. We blast music, dance, do karaoke, draw all over the dry erase board, eat and talk about our nights. It's a very relaxing work environment.

Christian was homeless and dropped out of high school after his mom chose his stepdad over him and he usually has to walk home from work because his mom won't. I was shocked when he told me this because he is the nicest, down to Earth guy. He sings along to every song that the XM Radio plays.  Recently, he had to take a week off of work after getting sent to the hospital, after his stepdad beat him.

Lindsay aka Li Li is a crazzzzzy party girl. She comes in with the most insane stories. She is the most open person when it comes to talking about sex. She has no shame in her game and loves to verbalize her hook ups. Her 4th of July weekend in Las Vegas which ended in a threesome, knocked all of her other stories out of the ball park.

Ashley aka Ghetto is by far the funniest. She is very go with the flow and says EVERYTHING that is on her mind. We call her Ghetto because she just is. haha I love working with her.

Maria aka Mari is such a sweetheart. She's quiet, but when she speaks she is hilarious. The two of us bonded immediately after realizing she attends the high school I graduated from and we had a few of the same teachers. We pick on each other but I love the girl.

Stuart aka Stewie is the smart, more reserved one. Like really smart, he goes to Duke. He is the definition of a nice guy. He will go out of his way to help people. And has the most beautiful blue eyes I have ever seen. One day at work he came up to me and asked to see my abs ;) Sooo I flexed the shit out of my stomach and lifted up my shirt haha I would hook up with him in a second.

Evan is a macho dude in the marines, but suffers from short man syndrome. Sometimes I get the big ego vibe from him, but I am the least threatening person. I really don’t have a competitive bone in my body, so he’s cool around me.

Ana Maria aka Brown is my favorite! She's like a little sister to me. The two of us are so funny together. She makes the schedules and ALWAYS schedules us together. She was the first person at work I came out to. We were peeling bananas and I just slipped it out. She freaked out (in a good way) and now when a hottie walks in, we run to each other. lolol

Ana aka Culo has a good head on her shoulders. She's in a long distant relationship with her boyfriend who lives in Panama, who is ridiculously attractive. She absolutely loves talking to me about guys. She is the most interested in asking me questions and knowing what its like to be gay. She was the second person I told. I came out to her in a game of hangman, on the dry erase board at work. haha

Andrea is the newest to work with us. She is the most chill and laid back girl I have ever met. Her personality is always as cool as a cucumber. She’s great to get advice from, especially because SHES GAY TOO! She came out to me and a week later she, Brown and I were chilling in her hippie van and I came out to her. Shes my first lesbian friend! She was the third person I came out to at work and that’s all so far.

Mari, myself, Brown and Culo
We were all scheduled to work on Flip Flop Day (a day where you get a free smoothie if you come in wearing flip flops) and I forgot I was at work. The customers probably thought we were throwing a party in the back because we we’re laughing the entire time. Doin' the Bernie dance! We are all so different from each other, but we get along like we’ve been best friends since kindergarten. It’s not even work to me, it’s like going to see my fam.

Thursday, July 14, 2011


I went to the movies today with my bestie Michelle. I have no hesitation when I say Bridesmaids is easily one of the funniest movies I have ever seen in my life. Like from the second the movie started, till it finished, I was laughing. At one scene during the movie I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard...when Melissa McCarthy is going diarrhea in the sink.

If you don’t enjoy this movie, something is wrong with you. Its raunchy, its hysterical and the elaborate mix of characters (the bridesmaids) make the film that much better. There was one scene in particular where I looked over at Mich and she was bent over in her seat laughing so hard that her face was turning purple. I really enjoyed it because the main character, Annie, is trying to figure out life, love and relationships just like I am. It’s really weird but I see myself in her character, just way less funny. I love how close the two best friends are and has encouraged me to pursue that really tight bond with more of my friends.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Gorgeous Takes Human Form

Step aside Cam Gigandet. TYLER HOECHLIN you are the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life. Marry me


Teen Wolf is my new favorite show. haha

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Spirituality and Homosexuality

So what’s the dealio on the Bible verses that condemn homosexuality?

1 Corinthians 6: 9-10 - "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God."

Leviticus 18:22 - "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable."

Leviticus 20:13 - "If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads."

Romans 1:26-27 - "Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion."

In Genesis 19 God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah due to the extensive amount of sin and debauchery going on in the city. Some add homosexuality in with the sins being committed. Others say that it was not just blanket homosexuality being condemned but homosexual rape, meaning it is different from homosexual behavior in loving relationships.

That was a case of ostensibly heterosexual males intent on humiliating strangers by treating them 'like women,' thus de-masculinizing them. Their brutal behavior has nothing to do with the problem of whether genuine love expressed between consenting adults of the same sex is legitimate or not. Whether these males are 'gay' or 'straight', a mature same-sex love relationship is not under discussion.

So what do you guys think?

Monday, June 20, 2011

How To Meet Gay Guys

They have perfect teeth

I'm ready to start meeting other gay people. But that's the problem. How do I do it? I'm not into the gay club/bar scene and creating a profile on a dating website is sketchy. Of the two, I think the website is a better choice. I go to bars and clubs so seldom anyways and it's usually to dance with friends.

At least a dating website would allow me to be as selective as I want. The convenience is a plus too. It's basically like window shopping. On the contrary, you can never truly know a person by reading a 1000 word bio and some hobbies. It starts to get exhausting when you're talking to multiple guys at a time and I feel like I could be utilizing my time doing something more productive.

I tried the LGBT center on campus, as well as an LGBT group counseling session, but I didn't really mesh with any of the people there, except one of the lesbians.

Seriously, how do gay guys meet each other? I'll be out and see an attractive guy and have no idea if he's gay or not. Wondering if he's gay or not is always the first question I ask. This probably explains my love for people watching. I'm SO SHY around cute guys though. If I make eye contact, I can't help but look away. I don't want to come across as being weird.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Virginity and Sex Talk

I think I'm scared to have sex. I don't know how to explain it. Obviously I'm old enough to be having sex, but I don't feel ready. I need your help. I want everyone's opinion on this topic and what it was like for you when you lost your virginity. Its super scary for me and any type of insight would be extremely appreciated.

Q #1 Are one night stands and random hookups fun/worth it? Or is it worth the wait to lose it with a boyfriend?

Q#2 Or should I wait until marriage? That's a really long time though. The Bible says to wait.

Q#3 What impact does sex for the first time have on the mind?

Q#4 How do you know if you're a top or a bottom?

Q#5 How bad does it hurt when you bottom for the first time? How much lube do you have to use?

Q#6 Do you cum after 10 seconds the first few times you have sex?

I just want my first time to be something meaningful and enjoyable for me and the other guy.

Thursday, June 2, 2011


I'm one of the unfortunate individuals out there. My face gets punished for no reason and it sucks. I am susceptible to horrible acne. There is NOTHING fun about it. It hurts like hell, it’s embarrassing, and they scar your face.

I started noticing break outs the end of my freshman year of college. Prior to that, my face was crystal clear. My brother and sister had acne as well, so I just thought I got lucky with the ‘clean face’ genes. Oh boy was I wrong! I’m just a late bloomer.

Out of nowhere, there was a crazy infestation of zits on my face. I was horrified. They didn't arise gradually, they came in swarms. Last summer my acne got so out of control, that I had to stop using normal face washes and see a Dermatologist. He prescribed me three different things to take.
  1. A special face wash I had to use morning and night
  2. A gel I had to put on before I went to bed and
  3. An oral pill to take each morning.
It was such a scam, my acne didn’t clear up at all. It was literally EXACTLY the same after a month. I went back to his office and the doctor reclined me back in the chair. I thought he was just going to examine my acne...until I see a giant needle from the corner of my eye. I looked at him like he grew three heads, as he pointed it directly at my face and said "this is going to sting". What happened next was one of the most painful two minutes of my life. I had a death grip on the sides of that chair.

He injected all 35 of my white heads with a cortisone needle. It was so painful. I wanted to get up and deck the guy in the face for not asking for my permission to do it. He had to bring in a female assistant to apply pressure on every pimple he stabbed, because of the amount of blood and puss oozing out of each one. It was disgusting.

After that visit, I told my mom I never wanted to go back. Plus, his little needle trick didn’t cure my acne. I was getting desperate and then remembered that my brother and sister used Proactiv on their skin which cleared their acne up, so I ordered it.

Proactiv literally feels like it's burning your skin when you apply their products. My face has made some improvements since using it, but I would NEVER want to use this stuff permanently! It took several months of using their three step kit to see results. A word of caution, once you start using Proactiv, expect your face to become red and irritated. Your face is going to hate you for putting such strong chemicals on it.

After about six months or so of using Proactiv, my face only had a few white heads. I always felt like I was on the verge of breaking out though. My face adapted to the products and it was just acting as a Band-Aid to my acne and not actually killing it at the source. As soon as I stopped using Proactiv twice-a-day (religiously), I would break out immediately. That's how they play the game and keep getting your money though. If they actually sold you a product that worked, they wouldn't have return customers. They offer a renewing subscription for a reason. I've been to several Dermatologists and they wouldn't prescribe Accutane. I need to look into more Holistic ways to fight acne because putting all these chemicals on my face can't be good for my skin.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Reunited With High School Friends!

Hey guys, Happy Memorial Day! I hope you all have been doing well. 

My sister is in the Keys so the house is nice and mellow. I laid out for a little while to catch up on my tanning. While I was outside, I tie-dyed my first shirt! I am obsessed with it now. haha It's so easy to tie-dye and it looks mad cool. I bought a kit last week with Patty.

Well, let me back track a little more. My parents were visiting my brother Ross in AZ, so Monica and I had the house to ourselves. Patty and I went to Michaels and bought the tie-dye kit and set up everything in the backyard. I took down my drapes in my room and we went to town. By the end of it, our hands were covered in dye. We stripped our clothes off to get tan and drank a few brewzies. And this is the finished product...

That night I threw a mini party. I invited about ten of my close friends over and we had such a good time. It was the first time that I ever smoked IN my house and it was awesome! No parents to hide from or sneak around, just friends and laughter. Monica picked up an 18 pack the night prior for me, so we played flip cup on the back porch. The best part was when my sister and friend walked in hammered from happy hour. haha So they joined my friends and I for flip cup which was a fun time until the beer ran out after 20 minutes. After the beer was dry we went back inside and watched a video of myself, Patty and Anita had made from Spanish Class. It was the first time we watched it together in over 5 years. We were dying laughing.

We left my place and went over to a bar close by. It was so weird, everyone from our high school was there. It was pretty much like a high school reunion. Local reggae bands were playing, so it was an overall amazing night! And I came out to my friend Sabina that night! I have known her since 4th grade and when I came out to her, she wouldn't believe me. She was so astonished and I just sat on my floor laughing. I guess I fooled almost everyone...


Fast-forward a week or so. On Thursday I met up with my friend Alexis whom I hadn't seen since graduation. We drove down to a timeshare condo and we blazed with her mom! It was so funny. I was pretty good about not laughing at some of the things her mom was saying, but the moment she started slapping her tongue and demanding to know why her tongue was so "sticky and tart", I absolutely busted out laughing. Cottonmouth got her good. The view we had was absolutely amazing. We were on the 16th floor of the condo balcony overlooking the city with the beach right behind us. Than Beans (Sabina) met us and I came out to Alexis.

Ohh yeah, so getting back to my relaxing Memorial Day. I spent the entire day relaxing and decided to paint my door. Haha

Now I'm about to jump in the shower and get ready to see The Hangover Part II. Ohhh yeahh! Maui Wowie time :)

Much Love Guys!

Sunday, May 8, 2011


The weekend after that I'm hermiting and studying for finals. Meh. And the weekend after that I'm stopping in Orlando on my way home for Summer for Shelby's 20th birthday! Her parents are getting all of us a presidential suite in one of the O-town hotels. AHHHHH! Get dat Pinnacle ready, Guita!

Ahhh so much to fill you guys in on!! Leggo!

Angela and I went to her Kappa Delta Formal! We pregammed in her apartment first of course.

My old roomie getting it! Haha
Once we got back, I hit up Shelby and Sammie so they came over and hung out. Shelby had just gotten into town and she was only visiting for a few days, so I wanted our old crew to see her.
Anhula, German, Drunky and Guita
The weekend after, Michelle and I went to Blue Springs in Orlando. Her boyfriend drove up to Jax and the three of us met her two cousins, who were hysterical.

It was cold out once the sun went down and the water was freezing, but that night was a blast!! We set up our tent, get super drunk playing some card game and than went on adventure.

We tried to catch dragonflies, got lost, got yelled at by our neighbors, got a rock thrown at Michi's car and almost froze in the water. It was a success! The next morning her cousin had like two or three ticks on him and we were all FREAKING out. 
This was a perfect little two day trip before studying for exams. I was in a committed relationship with the library for a week. I did well on all my exams and in-between my studying, I had been packing up and cleaning out my room and loading up my car since the year was over and I was going home to work at Tropical Smoothie for the Summer. Luckily I was able to cram everything into my car, but barely. God bless you Honda civic.

I left my campus around 3 and headed to Orlando for Shelby's 20th birthday celebrations! Shelby went to my school with me for three semesters, but transferred back to a community college where she lives in Tampa now. Her parents somehow got us two connecting hotel rooms for free for two nights at a fancy hotel. It was insane!!

The fun started the second she met me in the lobby. Shelby greets me downstairs DRUNK, with a bedazzled pimp cup in her hand filled with Pinnacle. On our way back up the elevator, we stopped to take a pic in the mirrored ceiling.

I didn't know any of her friends that were there, besides Nikki, but everyone was really cool. They start pouring Pinnacle and I did about five shots, on an empty stomach, in about twenty minutes. Shelby and I blacked out in the bathroom before her two last friends even got to the hotel. Hahaha

It was such a shit show. One of her friends got naked and started running up and down the hotel halls and then he and Shelby disappeared into the other room to have sex. Nikki and I ran downstairs to the game room and started posing on the air hockey table and I think we may have broke it.

The next day I felt like shit. We decided to walk like ten minutes up the street to McDonald's for breakfast which was a horrible idea in hindsight. The smells made me want to gag and Shelby was in the bathroom puking up a storm. Once we got back, we went down to the pool, where a guy immediately came out from the café and gave us a free pizza. It was so cool of him! I threw it up though haha

We tanned all afternoon, went back upstairs to the rooms and went to Downtown Disney and walked around for a few hours. I didn't feel better until we left the pool late that afternoon. We got dinner at Planet Hollywood (coolest place ever) and then went to Old Town at night. All the attractions were so damn expensive in Old Town and kept trying to get into this haunted house for free, but they wouldn't let us. The entitled mentality of 20-year-olds :)

We got back to the hotel and these crazy bitches started drinking again! I could not keep up with them and drank water the entire night and watched over all of them. Nikki starts pulling glow sticks out of her bag, so we turned the light off started jumping on the beds, blasting music and throwing them around the room. Than Shelby's two guy friends (one of which she hooked up with the night before) started making out with each other! It was so funny, one of them is straight and the other one is in the closet. The one in the closet took his pants off and started puking in the bathroom.

Shelby walks up to me, points over at him and goes "Dat Ass" and I BUSTED out laughing. His bare naked ass was out after feeling the need to pull his boxers down too.

I got home Saturday afternoon and my parents, sister. her friends and I went right to Sunfest in West Palm. My parents are huge Styx fans and after hearing my dad jamming out to them all the time, my sister and I got hooked. The festival had tons of vendors selling art, which was by far my favorite part. I could of spent days browsing. There were three different concert stages set up, so the vendors went on for miles. There was also water barge bars where people could party on floating bars. My sister and her friend vanished onto one of those. I stayed with my parents since I hadn't seen them in two months.

Styx put on a really impressive performance and finished off by playing my favorite song, Renegade, so I was happy.

Since I've been home, I unpacked and redid my entire bedroom. I put all my artwork up and I am in the process of tie dying my drapes and painting my book shelf and inside of my bedroom door. I bought some new decorations and I'm going to make prints of my psychedelic drawings and sell them at a funky bar in town soon! Here's one of the drawings from the series:

So yeah that's been my life in a nutshell within the past couple weeks. Just trying to spend each day enjoying life and having fun.