Monday, September 27, 2010

I'm on the Pursuit of Happiness

Hey guys.

I began reading my Bible and I've stuck to it for the last week. I also read a daily devotional guide called The Upper Room every time I walk to class (unless I’m walking with friends). I joined a Life Group, which I go to on Wednesdays. It’s a group of ten other guys and we talk about the Bible and everyday life. One of my pledge brothers signed up with me.

I'm sure you're wondering if I still attend the Tuesday night church groups, after the pastor incident. Well, I've gone back once and that's only because I've become really close friends with a handful of people there and I love being around them. However, I'm going to stop attending altogether soon, I just don't have the courage to tell them yet.

Ohh and I also came out to my friend Michelle Friday night! It was so cool! She didn’t care at all. We talked about it for about 15 minutes and then just hung out for a couple hours afterwards, like nothing happened. She left me a text message that really touched me. I got emotional from it and I thought it was beautifully written…

"If you ever need anything to talk about I am always here for you. Honestly, don't feel like you are ever alone. When you look at a person remember that everyone has a story and secrets. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them. Be happy with who you are and fuck the rest who judge you. People are always going to judge you for one reason or another but they do not matter. Our differences from one another make us beautiful."

Saturday night I went to a frat party with one of my best friends, Anita, who I've known since 7th grade!! She transferred to my school about a month ago! AH As I pulled up to her apartment after the party, I asked her if we could talk. I had come out to her earlier in the semester, but I never had the chance to really open up to her about it. We talked for like an hour and I just spilled my emotions. I told her all the things I went through while we were in high school and what it’s like growing up gay. It was one of the best conversations I have ever had in my life. I love that girl!

Senior year of High School with my main squeeze

Lastly, about an hour ago, I came out to my roommate Ryan! He wouldn’t believe me at first, but was super supportive of it. Haha To my delight, coming out is getting so much easier.

I am still going to counseling on Fridays and I love it. I will go into depth about that in a future post.

Shout out to all my Bloggy followers for being such an amazing support system! Much Love Guys!

Sunday, September 19, 2010


Flashback to the end of Freshman year...

It was such a bitter sweet feeling as I stood in my empty door room. I had completed my freshman year of college and it literally went by with a snap of a finger. I happened to be one of the last of my friends to leave campus on departure day and I honestly didn’t want to leave. I had so much fun with my new friends and I wanted to stay for an extra six months. My parents snapped me back to reality as they pulled up and I left my dorm building for the last time, filled with so many amazing memories. Freshman year was suchhhh a blast.

Instead of driving back home (South Florida) we drove from Jacksonville to Tallahassee. My sister Monica was graduating from Florida State University with an Accounting degree. At the last second, my brother Ross decided to join the festivities and flew in for the weekend from AZ. It was so much fun to have all five of us reunited and be able to celebrate a special time in my sister’s life.

The next morning, my brother flew back to Arizona while my parents started the trek back home. Monica and I stayed to pack up the remainder of her stuff and to chill in Tallahassee one more night. The next morning we LOADED her little Volvo up to the brim and hit the road bright and early.

About three hours into the drive, we were passing through Gainesville. We were cruising on I-75 with one thing on our minds, getting home! My sister was driving, while I was messing around with my iPod in the passengers seat. Within a split second, the car started shaking and we were driving over the rumble strips (aka the sleeper lines) and she started screaming my name. I popped my head up and saw a van, within arms reach, drifting all the way into our left-hand lane.

We plummeted into I-75’s median going 80 miles an hour. All I could do was scream “BRAKE!” and hold on for dear life. I glared through the windshield, as trees spun around the car like the 'trees' in car washes. Miraculously, the car went from drifting and doing donuts, to stopping out of nowhere. My heart had never been beating that fast in my entire life. Luckily, my sister and I were both unharmed and her car had very little damage.

The idiot who pushed us off the highway pulled over, as well as a witness. The guy tried to do everything in his power to make it sound like we were at fault. Luckily, a cop came to the rescue and immediately took our side. We couldn’t press charges even if we wanted to, since our cars never actually touched during the incident. It’s known as ‘preventing an accident’ or something like that. And to make matters worse, it was about 90 degrees outside and we had to uncover her spare tire through a completely packed car and drive to Pep boys.

Turns out my brother's best friend was managing a hotel about ten minutes down the road and he put us up in a free room for the night, somewhere in the outskirts of Gainesville.

Once my sister and I did eventually make it home, the following days I played the car accident in my head over and over again. I came to a conclusion that I could not die without someone knowing me, completely knowing me. I had to tell someone I was gay. It was quite an interesting epiphany.

This past Summer, starting with the car accident, has completely changed my life. I came out to my  brother shortly after and I feel like this happened for a greater purpose than I could see at the time.

Did God use this experience to open my eyes and tell me I need to really start living? If I didn’t have that near death experience, I wouldn’t have learned how fragile life is and how much we need to embrace and enjoy it while it lasts. I honestly believe I would still be in the closet and continue driving down the wrong road if it weren't for this day.

Most people consider a car accident a tragedy, but I consider mine a gift from God...

Saturday, September 11, 2010


I had my meeting with the pastor Wednesday afternoon. It was quite the experience.

Going into it, I had high hopes that I was going to get positive feedback. He is a very uplifting and engaging person on stage, so I was expecting the same, friendly person behind closed doors. HA I was 100% wrong. I met him downstairs in the lobby of my dorm and we quickly walked up to the a lounge room, where we could talk.

I didn't beat around the bush at all once we sat down. He asked me what was bothering me and I told him that I was gay and I wanted some insight on it. The pastor told me to open my Bible. After doing so, he asked me read every verse that condemned homosexuality. I let out a deep 'oh fuck' breath and read them aloud.

Once I finished, he told me that "God made man to be with a woman and that’s the way it should be, period. Man was created to be the strong, powerful, brave, bold, courageous one, while the woman was created from man to nurture, comfort and provide for he and the family. Only a man and a woman are supposed to be together because they balance each other and its natural, whereas homosexual relationships are unnatural. Being homosexual itself isn't a sin, but the act of homosexuality and giving in to temptation is a sin".

So unless you 'become straight', or remain celibate, you sin? He told me that I was not born a homosexual; everyone is born straight in this world. He told me that the Devil put a 'tab' on me labeled 'Homosexuality' around 8th grade, when I was going through puberty and first recognized my attraction to guys. Any thought, emotion, feeling, desire that's gay related, is the Devil's doing.

He told me that within every person there is a throne. Most people place themselves on their throne when they need to place God on it. He said we need God to be on our throne so we can live our life through him. Because I am gay, I put myself on my throne, even though he had just told me it was Satan's doing. I told him that I do seek God and just because I'm gay, doesn't mean I can't live for God as well and put Him first. His exact re buttal was "if you work at it hard enough, I promise in six months you won’t be gay anymore."

Following that bold statement, he pulled out a piece of paper and wrote down the words ‘Male’ and ‘Female’ with a line between them. He explained to me that because I am gay, I don’t fit in either. Instead of circling ‘Male’ he circled the middle of the line. I was floored. He began to appear less and less Holy to me.

He made another picture. On one end of the paper, he had the words 'Love' and 'Mercy' circles together. On the other end of the paper, he circled the words 'Justice' and 'Judgment' together. He said that "in order to be well balanced, you must live in the middle of the circles". However, since I am not coming to Justice and Judgment with my sexuality, I am living next to the bubble of Love and Mercy.

At this point, I wasn't even about to waste my energy and defend myself after he had just told me I wasn't a male. Instead, I remained the bigger person and I simply told him that I am not a bad/evil person for being a homosexual. I told him that I am in face a man, that six months won't change anything, regardless how much I try to become straight and I was born this way.

He replied by saying "homosexuality is a sin and God will condemn you for it." He quickly attempted to loosen that harsh blow by making it seem like it's reversible though, that there's hope. He said that "it isn’t the Devil who sends people to Hell, it’s the person and their actions that ultimately decide their own fate. People have the choice to walk on the narrow path towards Heaven, or the many paths that lead to hell." He said homosexuality is a spiritual path towards hell and an existence of anguish and torture. He retouched upon 'the tabs' comment, how the Devil puts tabs on certain people. He explained that he might put ‘Alcoholic’ on one guys back, ‘Drug Addict’ on a girls back, ‘Prostitute’ on another girls back, etc.

When he said this to me, I was thinking to myself, well those people chose to take that drink, they chose to pop that pill, they chose to work the streets. Those are all poor decisions people made, my situation is entirely different. I didn’t choose to like guys. If only he put himself in my shoes for a second, which he didn’t.

I told him that I began seeking help with my sexuality at the counseling center. He snapped back and told me to stop going. He said that the Devil is so sneaky that his lies look so much like the truth. So in other words, the counseling center is just going to tell me that I need to start accepting and loving myself. He said that he wants to start counseling me to turn me straight. I proceeded to tell him that my parents go to San Francisco every year and attend a gay friendly church filled with gay people who know God. He said it’s fake and that the Devil wants them to think they know God. The arrogance and lack of God I felt from this man at that moment was overwhelming. I have never been in such an uncomfortable situation. I felt like I had been beaten to a pulp by his words.

After he left, I sprinted back to my room, shut my door, dropped to the floor and cried. It was a lot to take in. I just kept thinking 'what if he's right? what if  I do go to hell?' After all the positive things I thought I was doing for myself, like seeking counseling, he reprimanded. The things he told me didn't feel very Godly.

This was one of the rare times when I had to make an emergency call to my siblings and we had a three way conversation about the incident.

Where do I stand after all this craziness? Well for one, I needed time to absorb everything that happened, before writing this post. That was the first and the last conversation I will be having with the pastor, nor will I ever get counseled by him. I went against his word and went to another counseling session

On a positive note, Lauren became my counselor!! (The same girl who did my screening!) When she told me this my face lit up!! I connect with her so well! I explained the whole ordeal to her and she advised me to do the same thing my siblings told me to do, which is to cut communication with him and to seek God in a more loving, accepting environment.

In the end, I'm glad I had that conversation with the pastor. I needed to hear a radical Christian’s thoughts on homosexuality. I even started reading the Bible for the first time in my life to find answers for my own.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Tomorrow is going to be an extremely stressful day for three main reasons…

One: I have my first exam tomorrow morning and I'll be up till 3AM studying for it.

Two: After my exam, I'm making my first real appointment with the counseling center. My screening session on Friday went better than expected, but I'm nervous to schedule my first real appointment. I don’t know who my counselor is going to be, what he/she is going to be like, if I am going to get anything out of it, what he/she is going to say to me, etc. The fear of the unknown. I've never been to a therapist, but it's paid for through my tuition, so I mine as well take advantage of the opportunity.

Three: I'm meeting up with the pastor of the on campus church group I attend every Tuesday. There's about 150 people who come, so it's fairly large. I began going last semester with some friends and I enjoy it. Some of the people there are a bit odd, but there's a lot of really friendly individuals as well. The preacher is a 30 something year old guy who's an Alum of my University. He's seems pretty knowledgeable and his dad is actually the pastor of a hugely successful church about 15 minutes off campus. After some brief chatting at the end of services, I decided to ask him if we could talk and if he could offer some spiritual insight on some things I've been dealing with. I know having a counselor will be great and very beneficial, but I also want to know what he has to say about being gay.

He agreed and we're meeting up tomorrow afternoon to talk in one of the lounge rooms in my dorm.

I know the words homosexuality and Christianity spark controversial and conflicting thoughts, but I want to know what he has to say. If things go bad, it'll be one more thing I can discuss with my future counselor.

I'm well aware that a lot of people believe homosexuality is a sin. They believe being gay isn't a sin, but acting upon your 'homosexual temptations' are sinful. Conservatives believe that everyone was born straight and during your life, Satan entered and started giving the homosexual person same sex thoughts, in his attempt to distance us from God and sanctity.

It's so easy to side with something when you're not personally affected by what it says. Spiritual people consider themselves children of God, but if God thought it was sinful, why wouldn't he retract those feelings that Satan supposedly instilled in us? Or why didn't Jesus say a single thing about homosexuality in the Bible? According to the Bible, Jesus was here on Earth for about 30 years. You would think he would have mentioned it, if it was something that would deny you from entering the Kingdom of Heaven.

I believe in the Trinity, so I take the Bible seriously, but it makes me question if the book is 100% accurate, or if people have tampered with it over the years. You know me and how little I trust the Government anyways...

So this post got pretty deep, what do you guys think?

Friday, September 3, 2010


Today was by far one of the most productive days of my life! But hold up, let me back track to yesterday. I was sitting in my room just staring at The Counseling Center broacher I had received a couple days ago. It took me a half hour of contemplating with myself to call or not. I told myself to suck it up and just call. The lady asked me when I would be available to stop by for a screening appointment. Turns out I was scheduled for the next day, Friday at 2:30. This morning I woke up at 9 and went to Earth Science class.
I hate having a Friday class, but this class is so tight! My professor is a middle aged surfer dude. His lectures are really engaging and interesting. After class, I met up with a couple buddies of mine and we went to lunch at Qbado's. Everyone kept laughing at me because I couldn't pronounce it right. I had never been to this restaurant before, but its pretty much the same thing as a Chipotle.
I looked down at my phone and panicked because it was already 2:15. I started freaking out and telling my friend that I needed to get back on campus. I made it to the Counseling Center ten minutes late, after getting lost finding the building. ha
They had me fill out two online assessments and confidentiality agreement forms. I sat in the waiting room and was so freaking nervous! I tried to sit there and look calm, 'look' being the operative word. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. It was like I put my hands under a sink, they were so sweaty and my heart and thoughts were racing. I was about to tell a random human being my darkest secret. And then a lady walked out from around the corner and called my name...

...I took a deep breath, stood up and walked towards what I knew was a step towards happiness. My screening counselor was a grad student named Lauren. I immediately felt comfortable around her. She just had that vibe, that way about her, which was warm and inviting. She led me into a room with a couple chairs. Then she stabs me with the loaded question, "so what brings you here today?" I completely beat around the bush for a few minutes. I told her I was dealing with extreme paranoia, stress and self-esteem issues. We talked about them for a couple minutes until she asked, "is there a specific reason for all these negative feelings?" My mouth dried up like cottonmouth.

"Its because I’m gay." There I said it!! She already knew I was, because she reviewed the paperwork I completed. I just started spilling EVERYTHING. I told her every single thing I have dealt with since I was a freshman in high school. We sat there and talked for almost an hour and a half so I’m not going to write everything down. Plus; this was only my screening appointment, which means she was there to write down everything I told her and from there, they would pick the counselor that they think best suits my needs. I did tell her that I hope it would be her who becomes my counselor.

We discussed my strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, stress relievers, etc. I told her about my coming out stories and how positive all the reactions have been thus far. We discussed my suicidal thoughts from high school, my family life, friends, the whole thing. I think what I really liked about her was how direct she was with my situation.

She asked me to define what paranoia meant to me, among other things, and really dug down to the root of the thoughts I have. I even mentioned this blog and how much of an outlet it's been and how meaningful you guys are to me!

At the very end of the session, Lauren asked me what I want out of counseling. I told her I want to learn how to love and accept myself, in hopes to rebuild my happiness and self-confidence, to stop being paranoid and be openly gay. It was the best 90 minutes of my life. My first real counseling session is Tuesday and I can’t wait, I hope Lauren becomes my therapist! Turns out my siblings and friends were right; counseling is something I definitely need! I love you guys!

Somethings you just cant handle alone. Where my life journey leads me I have not a long as I have people there for me :)

Thursday, September 2, 2010


My husband is on the cover of Men's Health this month! I'm so proud of my boo!
Finally some fun in my life...I ran out of food today and went over to Publix to stock up. I was half way done with my shopping and randomly decided to stop in the magazine section. I don't know if you guys do this, but I like to scan the Men's Health magazine in the isle and get some free/new exercise ideas. Plus, looking at ripped, shirtless studs doesn't hurt either. If you ever see me in Publixxx with a boner, you know why.

Anyways, I was flipping through an article on building up your abs when a voice from beside me goes "Do I know you?"

I looked up at him and said "huh?" He was about my height (5' 10") dark features, glasses, looked a little nerdy, but fit, hazel eyes, nice smile and looked at least five years older than me.

He goes "you look so familiar, have we met before?" I have never met this dude in my life and he didn't look even remotely familiar, so I sort of chuckled and said "No, I don't think so. Maybe I look like someone you knew?" He named a couple sports and asked if I played them, either attempting to pinpoint where he knew me from, or using it as a conversation starter. I didn't play any of the sports he listed. We kept chatting and he asked me if I was in school.

That's when the gaydar sirens began ringing.

I told him I was, here in the area. I didn't want to give too much information to him, so I didn't tell him which one. He said he graduated from the University of Florida and majored in Economics. He then asked me my major and I told him Advertising and I am considering Graphic Design. We talked for a couple more minutes. At that point he asked for my name, gave me a handshake and we went our separate I thought.

I went down a couple more aisles, doing my thang and getting those bogos, when out of the corner of my eye, I could see him walking towards me. My immediate thought was "oh shit, what does he want now? Can I please just shop in peace?" I didn't make eye contact and pretended like I didn't see him and concentrated on the food in front of me. haha

That plan didn't defer him from walking back up to me and asking " Hey man, you seem like a really nice guy. Would you be interested in an internship?" I smiled, thanked him and asked what exactly his company does.  He said his company is understaffed and is looking for people in the advertising major. I thanked him for the opportunity, but told him I wanted to focus on school full-time. He was understanding and then started digging in his pocket. He pulled out his wallet, took out one of his cards and handed it to me. He points at one of the two numbers on the card and goes "well if you ever change your mind, call me, and the direct number is my private cell number." I smiled and thanked him and didn't see him after that.

So, what do you guys think? Do I have a doppelganger that he used to know, or does he want to get in my pants while I 'intern' for him?