Friday, August 31, 2012

My Neighbor Went to Prison!

Have you ever met someone, only to realize they aren’t the person that you thought they were?

About two years ago, I was home on break and my family informed me of something that literally sent chills up my spine. My next door neighbor had been stealing money from his company.
I thought they were joking.
Unfortunately, they weren’t. It gets worse, he did the same thing in his previous company, but the charges were dropped because his boss had an ill child that he needed to take care of. Somehow things weren't finalized properly and he started doing it again. But what goes around, comes around and he got caught.
This is not just some random person though. I've known he and his wife my entire life. THey moved into the house next door three months before I was born.  I used to go to their house for dinner, he would support my brother’s high school wrestling matches, he and his wife always came over with cookies, we used to have pool parties, my siblings and I used to babysit their kids.
When asked, he would always say he was climbing the ladder really quickly and kept receiving bonuses and promotions.  He definitely showed off and used the money he was stealing. During the recession, they were the only house on the block with bright green grass. They had a landscaper at their house 2/3 times a week, maintaining their yard like something out of a Homes & Gardens magazine. He gave his son and daughter over the top, elaborate bar and bat mitzvahs that could top most weddings. He bought a new Saab convertible for his wife, put an expansion on the house, completely refurnished, repainted, retiled and redecorated. He bought a boat, air-conditioned the garage so that his wife wouldn’t sweat while doing the laundry and took a family trip to Israel and Egypt.  
But this paradise he tried to manifest for himself turned into a living hell once his Company found out about his devious ways. The cops were sent directly to his house and handcuffed him in front of his wife and children. The wife ran to our house crying and from there, things continued to get worse. After months of denying the charges, he finally confessed.
First he was sent to jail, where he was immediately bailed out and than he was put on house arrest for two years and just received an eight-year-sentence in prison.
His son already has severe mental issues and he fell into a black hole after everything was out in the public. He lasted like one month in college and moved back home and than broke into the local elementary school with another punk. He's now drinking, doing coke and stealing to support his lifestyle.

The mom went from being a stay-at-home wife, to working 50+ hours a week. She lost control of the son and the younger sister was left to fend for herself, which morphed her into a manipulator. 
It's sad. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

21 Tricks to a Better Life

The Lotus Touts
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you’, mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry’, look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELEVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Saturday, August 25, 2012


Hey guys, I hope anyone enrolled in school, had a good first week back! Besides the atrocious parking and torrential downpour all week, mine wasn’t too shabby.

The highlight of my week goes to none other than my figure drawing II class.
My classmates and I were setting up our easels in a circle around a small stage, which was situated in the center of the room. I looked up from my easel as a 30ish year old Asian woman stepped up onto the stage and dropped her robe.
I saw my first vagina in real life. It was so flappy. Can girls store food in those things? I started thinking about all the snacks I'd store in mine if I had one. You wouldn't be able to store chocolate or anything that would melt. You wouldn't be able to store anything hard, like pretzels or Triscuits, because they'd cut into your fallopian tubes. I decided that bubble gum would be perfect to store up there. What kind of munchies would you keep in your kitty?
I couldn’t stop staring at it.  Than I started envisioning her vagina was like the hole from Alice in Wonderland. I can't believe girls just have a hole in their body. Ugh
And then I started wondering why we have pubic hair and why it grows so scraggily and gross. I am an advocate for manscaping. But now that I've seen a full bush on a female, I have to say the girls in pornos who have no hair downstairs look way nicer. Their vaginas are the size of almonds and look so tidy.
I think we can all agree that I've talked enough about vaginas. So anyways, I got a good first impression from all my professors. They all seemed really nice and knowledgeable people.
I spent at least $350 on books/art supplies. I understand why people hold off on college. I love feeling robbed for trying to better myself.
Enjoy your weekends everyone! Try not to be too jealous that I got to see a vagina and you didn't.

Monday, August 13, 2012


1. You have nice abs, I get it. It’s not like you’re shirtless 99% of the time I see you anyways. But the picture text was an interesting parting gift. I can’t look at shaving cream without smirking now…

2. The 2 AM sesh, which led to a discrete location, shirtless, with your hands down your pants.

3.       The time you wanted to play dj while everyone else went to the parking lot. How ironic that Give It Up by Pepper was next on your shuffle list.

4.  The night you slapped my ass. Or the time you flashed me yours.

5.  The night I showed everyone a picture of a guy I thought was cute and you blurted out "He looks just like me!"

6.  How many jumping jacks/pushups did you do again to relive your excitement when you found out I used to have a crush on you?

7. I hope I helped out that time your bowl was dirty and asked me to blow it.

8.  “I’ve shown you all the signs.”