Today was by far one of the most productive days of my life! But hold up, let me back track to yesterday. I was sitting in my room just staring at The Counseling Center broacher I had received a couple days ago. It took me a half hour of contemplating with myself to call or not. I told myself to suck it up and just call. The lady asked me when I would be available to stop by for a screening appointment. Turns out I was scheduled for the next day, Friday at 2:30. This morning I woke up at 9 and went to Earth Science class.
I hate having a Friday class, but this class is so tight! My professor is a middle aged surfer dude. His lectures are really engaging and interesting. After class, I met up with a couple buddies of mine and we went to lunch at Qbado's. Everyone kept laughing at me because I couldn't pronounce it right. I had never been to this restaurant before, but its pretty much the same thing as a Chipotle.
I looked down at my phone and panicked because it was already 2:15. I started freaking out and telling my friend that I needed to get back on campus. I made it to the Counseling Center ten minutes late, after getting lost finding the building. ha
They had me fill out two online assessments and confidentiality agreement forms. I sat in the waiting room and was so freaking nervous! I tried to sit there and look calm, 'look' being the operative word. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. It was like I put my hands under a sink, they were so sweaty and my heart and thoughts were racing. I was about to tell a random human being my darkest secret. And then a lady walked out from around the corner and called my name...
...I took a deep breath, stood up and walked towards what I knew was a step towards happiness. My screening counselor was a grad student named Lauren. I immediately felt comfortable around her. She just had that vibe, that way about her, which was warm and inviting. She led me into a room with a couple chairs. Then she stabs me with the loaded question, "so what brings you here today?" I completely beat around the bush for a few minutes. I told her I was dealing with extreme paranoia, stress and self-esteem issues. We talked about them for a couple minutes until she asked, "is there a specific reason for all these negative feelings?" My mouth dried up like cottonmouth.
"Its because I’m gay." There I said it!! She already knew I was, because she reviewed the paperwork I completed. I just started spilling EVERYTHING. I told her every single thing I have dealt with since I was a freshman in high school. We sat there and talked for almost an hour and a half so I’m not going to write everything down. Plus; this was only my screening appointment, which means she was there to write down everything I told her and from there, they would pick the counselor that they think best suits my needs. I did tell her that I hope it would be her who becomes my counselor.
We discussed my strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, stress relievers, etc. I told her about my coming out stories and how positive all the reactions have been thus far. We discussed my suicidal thoughts from high school, my family life, friends, the whole thing. I think what I really liked about her was how direct she was with my situation.
She asked me to define what paranoia meant to me, among other things, and really dug down to the root of the thoughts I have. I even mentioned this blog and how much of an outlet it's been and how meaningful you guys are to me!
At the very end of the session, Lauren asked me what I want out of counseling. I told her I want to learn how to love and accept myself, in hopes to rebuild my happiness and self-confidence, to stop being paranoid and be openly gay. It was the best 90 minutes of my life. My first real counseling session is Tuesday and I can’t wait, I hope Lauren becomes my therapist! Turns out my siblings and friends were right; counseling is something I definitely need! I love you guys!
Somethings you just cant handle alone. Where my life journey leads me I have not a clue...as long as I have people there for me :)