Friday, September 3, 2010


Today was by far one of the most productive days of my life! But hold up, let me back track to yesterday. I was sitting in my room just staring at The Counseling Center broacher I had received a couple days ago. It took me a half hour of contemplating with myself to call or not. I told myself to suck it up and just call. The lady asked me when I would be available to stop by for a screening appointment. Turns out I was scheduled for the next day, Friday at 2:30. This morning I woke up at 9 and went to Earth Science class.
I hate having a Friday class, but this class is so tight! My professor is a middle aged surfer dude. His lectures are really engaging and interesting. After class, I met up with a couple buddies of mine and we went to lunch at Qbado's. Everyone kept laughing at me because I couldn't pronounce it right. I had never been to this restaurant before, but its pretty much the same thing as a Chipotle.
I looked down at my phone and panicked because it was already 2:15. I started freaking out and telling my friend that I needed to get back on campus. I made it to the Counseling Center ten minutes late, after getting lost finding the building. ha
They had me fill out two online assessments and confidentiality agreement forms. I sat in the waiting room and was so freaking nervous! I tried to sit there and look calm, 'look' being the operative word. My legs wouldn't stop shaking. It was like I put my hands under a sink, they were so sweaty and my heart and thoughts were racing. I was about to tell a random human being my darkest secret. And then a lady walked out from around the corner and called my name...

...I took a deep breath, stood up and walked towards what I knew was a step towards happiness. My screening counselor was a grad student named Lauren. I immediately felt comfortable around her. She just had that vibe, that way about her, which was warm and inviting. She led me into a room with a couple chairs. Then she stabs me with the loaded question, "so what brings you here today?" I completely beat around the bush for a few minutes. I told her I was dealing with extreme paranoia, stress and self-esteem issues. We talked about them for a couple minutes until she asked, "is there a specific reason for all these negative feelings?" My mouth dried up like cottonmouth.

"Its because I’m gay." There I said it!! She already knew I was, because she reviewed the paperwork I completed. I just started spilling EVERYTHING. I told her every single thing I have dealt with since I was a freshman in high school. We sat there and talked for almost an hour and a half so I’m not going to write everything down. Plus; this was only my screening appointment, which means she was there to write down everything I told her and from there, they would pick the counselor that they think best suits my needs. I did tell her that I hope it would be her who becomes my counselor.

We discussed my strengths, weaknesses, hobbies, stress relievers, etc. I told her about my coming out stories and how positive all the reactions have been thus far. We discussed my suicidal thoughts from high school, my family life, friends, the whole thing. I think what I really liked about her was how direct she was with my situation.

She asked me to define what paranoia meant to me, among other things, and really dug down to the root of the thoughts I have. I even mentioned this blog and how much of an outlet it's been and how meaningful you guys are to me!

At the very end of the session, Lauren asked me what I want out of counseling. I told her I want to learn how to love and accept myself, in hopes to rebuild my happiness and self-confidence, to stop being paranoid and be openly gay. It was the best 90 minutes of my life. My first real counseling session is Tuesday and I can’t wait, I hope Lauren becomes my therapist! Turns out my siblings and friends were right; counseling is something I definitely need! I love you guys!

Somethings you just cant handle alone. Where my life journey leads me I have not a long as I have people there for me :)


  1. duddeeeeee!!! thats too sick bro! im soooo happy for you :) that takes a lot of courage to do that. I would be the exact same way in the waiting room, not sure if I would look as calm as you did though lol. your killing this coming out thing though man!! keep it up...and im just an email away if you need anything bro

  2. that's so cool dude. To be honest I've been thinking about going to a counsellor for a while... just never got the courage to actually call yet. I think it would definitely help to have that talk in person, without it being awkward with a friend or something. anyways good luck man have a good weekend

  3. This is great news, another positive step in your journey out. The more you feel comfortable being yourself and having reassurances that there's nothing wrong with being gay, the more your confidence will grow and hopefully your fears will subside. When you find your inner peace and acceptance of yourself, instead of this constant conflict, you can channel your energy on living a happy and fulfilling life.

  4. Awesome man! Your def. doing the right thing. I thought about doing counseling in college but didnt do it. Big Mistake. You're definately on right track. Keep it up man.

  5. hope the counsellor on tues will be a cute hunky guy =P just a lil optimism.

  6. I also went to counseling and my counselor was indeed gay. He confided in me on my 2nd visit. It was actually a help that he personally realized where I was coming from. I think what you are doing is the best move in your life so far. Good luck with it. Let us know how it going...

  7. Thank you everyone! I am so proud of myself for taking that leap of faith and actually doing it. Just like fan of casey said, I want to find my inner peace and acceptance. This will help me find it. I feel like I'm finally starting to grow up and seeing just how hard making adult decisions is. Hard yet worth it.