Thursday, December 30, 2010


I woke up December 28th, 2010 with a chill traveling down my spine. After weeks of in-depth conversations with my counselor gearing towards this moment, I was now staring at the circled day on my calendar in sheer apprehension. I honestly can't really remember much from that day, because I was in a daze and I couldn't stop myself from thinking at a million miles per second.

My brother and sister were in the TV room and asked "so, are you ready for tonight!?" I was hesitant to reply to their almost simultaneous question, but managed a "yep". I went back into my room and tried to reminisce on everything my counselor had aided me through and things she advised me to do when this day had come.

Once my dad got home from work, my family (minus my mom) went to the gym. Is it odd that I subconsciously avoided my parents that entire afternoon? I think seeing their faces only reminded me of what was to come, which only triggered a swarm of even more nerves. Luckily; my dad was in the cardio section and I stayed hermitted in the free weight area, as far away as possible.

Once we got home, dinner time was quickly approaching. I tried to block it out of my mind, while I sat silently eating my pork tenderloin and potato.

I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but my mom started talking about the gays! She was talking about a friend from church who was gay and how he rejected our invitation to partake in our Christmas Eve party, because he wasn't sure if he was going to be safe at our house due to his sexuality. Anyways, she finished her schpeal with "I just love the gay community, I hope he feels safe and comfortable to accept an invitation in the future."

I felt like time had stopped the second she said that. My brother, sister and I all looked at each other with faint smirks. I was about to come out right after she said that, but I wimped out. After dinner, I left the room and started pacing in my bedroom.

My siblings walked into my sister's room, so I followed. They told me to either tell them tonight or just wait it out, because it was starting to get late. I told them I had to come out tonight, so we all walked back into the family room where my parents were. My dad had just popped in the newest season of 24, while my mom was folding laundry. I looked at my brother and sister one last time and then hit the Stop button on the remote.

My parent’s attention immediately shifted from the blank television screen over to me. I stood up out of the chair and after five years, I finally spoke up "I have an announcement to make" were the initial words out of my mouth, as my entire body was now trembling uncontrollably. My mom dropped the half folded shirt back in the laundry bin, while my dad instantly sat up in the couch.

I tried to keep things positive. I told them that I had done a lot of soul searching this past six months, figuring out who I am as a person. I pressed on and told them I am much more confident now and I have been increasing my self-esteem tremendously.

From there I just said the words I thought I would never say to my parents. "Mom...Dad, I'm gay."

"WHAT!!??" my mom shouted. I started crying. I dropped my head into my hands and had no luck holding back the tears. My parents jumped out of their seats and positioned themselves on the arms of the chair where I was sitting. They both began reassuring me that they still loved me. I got ahold of myself and started explaining everything to them. I answered every question they had to the best of my ability, with the help of my brother and sister.

I told them about my high school experiences, my coming out stories, counseling, my spiritual journey, creating this blog, all of it. They were both stunned. The quiet, reserved child in the family was finally found his voice and opened up to his parents.

I didn't have much more of a chance to talk to my parents about it that night, since a neighbor came over about ten minutes later and as soon as he left, one of my brother’s friends came over. I did sit in my room and talk more with my mom though. I showed her all the things I had accumulated in counseling and she was asking me all sorts of questions. She told me how astonished she was finding about my sexuality. Neither of my parents had the slightest idea, which disappointed my mom because she said she has good gaydar.

She told me she has always been very passionate and driven to learn more about the gay community. They travel to San Francisco almost every year and love the 'West Coast mentality'. She said they tried to go to a gay pride parade, but couldn't find one that overlapped the time they were there. She looked at me and said "you know what; I think God was preparing your father and I for a gay child".

That night I left the letter I had written to them on the kitchen counter. I know that is something my parents will keep forever.

I did it you guys, I DID IT!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Healing Wounds

As of a few months ago, my mind is finally becoming in sync with the rest of the world. I was so buried in my issues, pain and mental lies, that I had no time to just stop, observe and think rationally. I hate thinking about my past, but the first issue I tackled was…

Paranoia. It still baffles me how so few people had an inclination about my sexuality. I ALWAYS thought my family and friends talked about my sexuality behind my back. It was so bad that I literally thought every single person I knew, thought I was gay. Relatives, neighbors, school friends, my teachers, the whole world. My mind told myself enough times that people were always talking about me, so I began to believe it.

How I fixed this problem? I came out of the closet, duh! It wasn’t until I came out and began asking people instead of making assumptions, that I realized it was all in my head!

Stress. Due to my paranoia, I had so much built up stress, to the point it started affecting me physically. I began losing my appetite. I graduated high school weighing 120 pounds. I started getting horrible stomach aches, but I told myself I deserved to be in this physical pain. Fucked up, I know. I started popping stomach relievers called Titralac 3x a day to prevent myself from getting sick from the lack of food I was eating.

Nowadays, if something stresses me out, I seek out a productive way to accomplish it. Working out, listening to music and drawing or my go-to remedies. I now weigh 142 pounds and my goal is to get to 165 pounds.

Self-hatred. I absolutely hated myself down to my core. I thought I deserved nothing while others deserved success in their lives. If I did perhaps exceed in something, I just figured I got lucky and brushed it off. If someone complimented me, I thought they were lying and just being sympathetic towards me. I used to wish I was other people in High School.

I washed away all the self hate by standing in the rain and listening to this song:

Haha I kid. Coming out, accepting myself and washing away the lies that I fed off of for so many years, was the best self-love I could have given myself. I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I know I am gay and that’s just a tiny part of my genealogy.

Bottling up. Thinking about my sexuality all day, everyday and not telling a single soul, really did damage to my mind. Holding onto negative energy is not healthy, so let that shit go!

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the World I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the World that I'm coming

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I got home for Winter Break a week ago and told three of my friends! It’s totally different coming out to friends in college, whom I've known for a year or so, compared to friends I have known for 5+ years. I came out to my friend Angel on Tuesday afternoon. We were sitting in her Mustang and I told her it was time to give her the much anticipated ‘surprise’ I had been antagonizing her about.

She went from laughing and begging for the surprise, to quiet and concerned, the second my nerves kicked in. Obviously, it was noticeable I was about to cry. I told her the surprise was not a tangible object, but rather something I had to tell her. She perked up in the driver’s seat and began slowly shaking her head from left to right going “Oh my gosh, what’s going on? What did you do?”

I looked up and told her how much she meant to me. From there, I let those two magical words out that always seem to echo throughout my brain "I’m Gayyyyy'". After about ten seconds of her getting confirmation from several “are you reallys?”, her face lit up with the biggest smile. She pounced on me with a hug, followed by questions and everything I went through. She got pretty upset when I told her about my not-so-good days, trapped by depression.

After I released all my emotions and told my story to another person, we went right back to being our normal, goofy selves. You can always tell best friends are best friends when your stomach hurts from laughing so much at the end of the day from being together. Angel can make me laugh no matter what. She started screaming we’re "getting drunk and celebrating this". I'm down!!


Tuesday night I met up with my neighbor Jake, who lives two houses down the street. Not only was my mind spinning with anticipation to come out to him, but it was ridiculously cold out for SoFlo weather. I was nearly shaking, seconds before I brought up the subject. I have known Jake since 5th grade. He’s the athletic jock, always has a girlfriend type of guy and I was nervous to come out to him at first. Turns out, he was completely cool with me being gay.

Tonight I came out to yet another friend Rachel aka RayRay, who I met in 8th grade. We hung out together all the time, had classes together and drove home from school together Senior year. She is one of the most compassionate people I have ever met. I knew she would be cool with my sexuality, so I was really excited to come out to her. I sent her a text asking if we could meet up and walk around her neighborhood and catch up. She immediately agreed. We began walking and my nerves ran up and down my body. I got anxious but stayed calm at the same time.

After a few minutes of catching up, I came out to her. I’m starting to think homophobic people were figments of my imagination. Like all my other friends, she stopped in her tracks and spit out “What?! Are you serious?” After she knew I was serious, she threw her arms around me and I couldn’t have been happier. I felt like such a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Tonight was one of the best heart-to-hearts I've ever had. We must have walked her neighborhood 8 times, just pouring our hearts out to each other. She completely opened up to me about all the things she struggled with, past and present. I will always be there for her and I know our friendship got so much stronger after tonight.

I received this text after I left to go home: "Hey, tonight was a good night! I don’t think I’ve ever had that deep and long of a conversation with someone. I just wanted to say that I am glad to call you one of my best friends. I will always be there for you and I am glad that you wanted and did tell me everything. Can’t wait to party with you so we can have some more happy memories to add to our friendship. More un-sober memories too! Lol. Thank you for being my friend. I will never forget this night too–Rachel"

I have now come out to sixteen people! I'm so proud of myself and thankful for the people in my life.

Much love guys!

Monday, December 6, 2010


Lets take a journey back to my Summer semester of college last year. I was fresh out of High School and I was so eager to leave my house. I was a studious student who did fairly well in school and stayed away from the party scene. Once I entered college I wanted to go crazy. I never drank and figured college was my time to live it up. I began meeting people who were pretty much like myself, but slightly more extroverted. We liked to have fun but we were also serious about our grades and school work. 'Responsible Partiers' I liked to call it. There aren't classes on Fridays over Summer, which basically meant we had a three day weekend. It was a magical six weeks for me. If you're considering taking Summer B classes as a Freshman, I HIGHLY recommend it, because you'll already have an entire group of friends going into Fall.

My friends and I would start pre-gaming in the dorms and then go out to parties and get so drunk. The problem is, I didn't have a stopping point. If there was alcohol in sight, I drank it. Bad, I know. This went down every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night for about five weeks. I was introduced to beer pong, flip cup, asshole, ring of fire, quarters, beer funnels, shot gunning, keg stands and power hour. I'm sorry liver.

I guess my favorite part about my group of friends was that we all watched out for each other, yet did our own thing too. We would get to the parties together, venture off and meet new people, reconnect throughout the night and than regroup when it was time to leave and evaluate to see who was the most drunk. Drunk people helping drunk-er people is hysterical by the way. I will forever cherish those car rides back to the dorms with a car packed full of laughter and craziness. We drove home drunk several times when we shouldn't have been and that was extremely stupid and irresponsible of us.

A year and a half later, I decided to tame the animal within me. I have not consumed alcohol for about six months now. I feel a lot healthier and not having to deal with hangovers is always a plus. I know drinking isn't good for you, but I have the BIGGEST urges to still get drunk from time to time. But now that I'm in a new dorm building, where we each have our room with a shared common area/kitchen, I've been toking up in my room more often with my friend Michelle.

Christmas Break is fast approaching and I cannot wait to go home. My best friend Angel still doesn't know I am gay and I have been purposely antagonizing her, saying I have something to tell her for the last two months now. I cant freaking wait to come out to her, she is literally the peanut butter to my jelly. She is so open minded about gay people and she will probably start jumping up and down when I tell her. We plan on getting drunk together for New Years and I cannot wait!

Smokin dat cush hahaha

Thursday, December 2, 2010


One of the most amazing experiences took place last night on Tuesday November 30th, 2010.

One night, at the end of a church service, the pastor walked off the stage and told the congregation that God spoke to him and that He wanted him to start praying over people to receive the Holy Spirit. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I sat in my chair and watched as a few people trickled up to the front. The pastor began speaking in his prayer language and I was in udder amazement.

After the service I started asking my friends a million questions as to what the heck had just happened moments ago. They nonchalantly told me that he was speaking in tongues, one of the gifts from the Holy Spirit. They told me that they were all baptized in the Holy Spirit and had the ability to speak in a prayer language as well. I told them that I wanted to speak in another language too! My buddy said in order to receive it, you first need to understand what it is, along with the other gifts and than you need to be baptized in the Holy Spirit.

So what exactly is the Holy Spirit? The Holy Spirit is the spirit of Jesus. The fruit of The Spirit consist of love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. You also receive spiritual gifts through the Holy Spirit. They include prophesy, serving, teaching, speaking in tongues, encouraging, giving, leading and showing mercy. People who have been baptized in the Holy Spirit have been given messages of wisdom, messages of knowledge, faith, gifts of healing, prophesy, speaking in tongues, miraculous gifts, and interpretation of tongues.

He told me to start reading a Bible study guide, called The Purple Book, so I did. The book is broken down into chapters by various topics and it's supposed to be an easier way to understand the Bible. I asked the leader of my small group to go through the book with me, so we met up at Starbucks on campus several days a week. I anxiously awaited until I got to chapter four,  entitled 'The Holy Spirit and Spiritual Gifts'.

After I finished going through chapter four and praying about it, I told my roommate that I was ready to be baptized in the Holy Spirit and receive my prayer language. I was still skeptical. On the following night of our campus ministry, we got there an hour and a half early. Six of us met in a hallway right next to the room where we lead worship. We started by praying and than my friends Benton, Kelsey and Samita stood around me and laid their hands on me. I stood there and felt very awkward, but I prayed for God to allow the Holy Spirit to fill me and baptize me. More and more people began entering this small room and began placing their hands on the person in front of them. People began speaking in tongues and I just felt like I was in a dream. About fifteen minutes into it, my mind was filled with an orange light and I felt weightless.

I opened my eyes and the entire hallway was filled with a sea of people praying for me. It looked like a spider web of people and I was directly in the center. I continued to pray and my throat began to tingle. It felt like someone was holding a lighter really close to my throat. My ears were in shock as they were no longer hearing English coming out of my mouth. It was an instantaneous switch and from that moment on, I've been able to speak in tongues.

Everyone released their hands and began praying to themselves. I just stood there completely overwhelmed by emotions. I didn’t know whether to cry, scream for joy, laugh, smile, hug someone...I was in a daze. I had been baptized in the Holy Spirit and it was the most powerful energy I have ever felt run through me.

God proved his existence to me that night and I will never doubt him another day in my life.

After everyone went back into the main room, my friends stayed behind and gave me hugs and smiles! I guess chocolate is the way to celebrate receiving the Holy Spirit, because Betnton gave me a Reese's (he knows me well haha) and Kelsey handed me a dove chocolate candy. Inside, the message read Be Fearless.

Faith over Fear. Always.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Italian Holiday Traditions

YAY it's Christmas time! Christmas is my favorite holiday and time of year. It's just magical. Walking into a house with a lit up Christmas tree and decorations puts a  smile on this face. We always buy a real tree so we can enjoy the aromas throughout the house and that pine scent just adds to the festive spirit. Food also makes me feel really festive.

On Christmas Eve, we're inviting our friends over for dinner and preparing The Seven Fishes (festa dei sette pesci). This dish is believed to have originated in Southern Italy. This celebration is a commemoration of the wait, Vigilia di Natale, for the midnight birth of baby Jesus. We're serving two sushi boats, clams casino, scallops, conch fritters, octopus salad, oysters and one other dish I can't remember. After the good food and wine, we go to midnight mass.

Christmas morning is quite possibly the best morning in the entire year. When I was little, my sister Monica and I would be the first ones up and we would rip through our stockings, like little vultures. Than we would snoop around the tree and anxiously await until 7, to wake up the rest of the house.

I'm on college time now, so I don't plan on getting up until 9. My dad makes homemade French toast for breakfast and then we all sat in the family room and open presents one at a time. Ahhhh I love it! This year I'm asking for a few pairs of shoes, the iron gym, an Ipod adaptor for my car, a necklace and some beauty products.

Homemade manicotti is on the menu for Christmas. It's a meal we used to make with my Grandmother as children. Manicotti is an Italian dish, consisting of a thin crepe stuffed with ricotta cheese and herbs. My dad pours his homemade red sauce over them, sprinkles some cheese on top and pops them in the oven. Mmm mmm mmm

I would love to hear what you do for Christmas! Do you have any special traditions and dishes?