Sunday, March 22, 2015


It's quite an extraordinary feeling when a group of complete strangers go out of their way to help someone feeling down and helpless. That feeling, that energy, is love...and I am so unbelievably grateful for the outpour of compassion you all embraced me with through your emails and comments. I feel so blessed to have this community to openly share my thoughts and feelings, in a judge-free environment. You guys really uplifted me, and for that, I can't thank you all enough.

I don't typically write negative posts, but I really needed to write down those issues and express the pent-up pain I'd been feeling, in hopes to release that negative energy from myself.

For the first time in my life, I even started saying positive affirmations throughout the day. If you don't already, I highly recommend it, it's more therapeutic than I ever imagined.

1. I am a divine expression of life. I love and accept myself where I am right now

2. I feel safe to be me. I forgive myself for all that happened in the past.

3. I lovingly protect myself with thoughts of joy and peace. The past is forgiven and forgotten. I am free in this moment.

4. I deeply accept and love myself the way I am.
Let me begin by saying how amazing and perfect God's timing is in everything he does. Earlier this evening, my friend Steff (check out her blog here), sent me a text message which said "I really want to do that Peruvian cleansing thing, we should plan it. You are the only one who would do it with me."
The 'Peruvian cleansing thing' Steff is referring to is called Ayahuasca and I want to do it so bad!
Here's a quick Wikipedia description of it:

Ayahuasca is a psychedelic brew made out of various plants, mixed with the leaves of Chacruna or other DMT-containing plant species. People who have consumed ayahuasca report having spiritual revelations regarding their purpose on Earth, the true nature of the universe as well as deep insight into how to be the best person they possibly can. This is viewed by many as a spiritual awakening and what is often described as a rebirth.  In addition, it is often reported that individuals feel they gain access to higher spiritual dimensions and make contact with various spiritual or extra-dimensional beings who can act as guides or healers. People may experience profound positive life changes subsequent to consuming Ayahuasca. Vomiting can follow Ayahuasca ingestion; this purging is considered by many shamans and experienced users of Ayahuasca to be an essential part of the experience, as it represents the release of negative energy and emotions built up over the course of one's life.

I actually discovered Ayahuasca a year or two ago, through an artist named Alex Grey, who does beautiful spiritual and transcendental art. I began investigating this foreign topic and I was instantly fascinated. I listened to any testimonial video I could get my hands on, of people sharing their personal stories with the medicine.

This evening, Steff recommended that I read Kira Salak's experience. Salak is one of five people in the world to receive a 2005 National Geographic Society Emerging Explorer Award. She has traveled solo to almost every continent, visiting some of the world's remotest or most inhospitable places. Aka she's a badass.

Salak struggled with years of intense depression, but that all vanished when she traveled to Peru, not once, but twice, to receive an Ayahuasca cleansing. She had visions of hell and Heaven, her incarnations and several different entities and spirits, including God.

I was brought to tears when her spirit ascended into the Heavenly realm and had this conversation with God.

Why did you hate me so much? I demand of Him.
“I never hated you,” He says. “You hated yourself. I have always loved you as my own child. Know that suffering is the greatest teacher on Earth. It leads us out of our belief in separation.”
But I don’t know what He means by “separation.” Darkness falls. I can’t see God in my vision anymore. “Now is your last, biggest challenge,” He says. “To realize that you’re not separated from me and never have been.”

I found so much relief and refuge in those words, like I was meant to read them at this exact moment of my life. Salak's story was one of the most profound things I've read in a long time.

Read her story here:

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Feeling Down

I have a lot of wonderful people and blessings in my life that I am so thankful for, but it seems like my mind always directs its attention to the negatives. I have two particular issues I'm battling with in my life that are severely crushing my self-esteem and confidence. So much so, that I feel like apart of me is dying inside.

The first problem is acne, which welcomed itself, uninvited, into my life when I was 18. It's been a horrible battle ever since, trying anything to cure it. My mom (bless her heart) paid for three years of Proactiv and that didn't work. I've tried dozens of soaps, scrubs, exfoliates, home remedies, etc., as well as dermatologists prescribing me pharmaceuticals and injecting me with cortisone shots. Nothing worked.

I went vegan, thinking maybe the meats and dairy had hormones and/or chemicals in it that I was allergic to. I started juicing. I drink copious amounts of water, usually in the form of green tea. I use organic soap. Take apple cider vinegar shots. But nothing is fucking working for me and it's so unbelievably frustrating. It's like my body just can't heal itself. I've cut back on so many unhealthy, processed foods but whatever attempt I make, it's not good enough.

I'll be 24 years old in two weeks and my face is completely broken out. I don't have the confidence to leave my house.

Sometimes I'll stop and stare at my high school senior picture that's in the hallway and daydream of what it used to be like without acne and scars.

The second problem I'm struggling with is hair loss. My dad is bald, my older brother is bald and unfortunately, I received the gene as well. My hair is falling out. If I run my fingers through my hair, several strands fall out each time. Showers have become my worst nightmare because I find an alarming amount of hair in the drain.

For the last three months, I've worn a backwards hat almost every single day to hide the receding hair line.

I don't know what is wrong with my body. I'm balding like a 60 year old man and I have severe acne like a 15 year old teenager.

I don't know why God is putting me through this pain. I feel like I'm becoming so ugly. I just want this pain to be over and I don't know what to do. I wish my prayers would be answered.