Saturday, December 15, 2012

INSANE NIGHTMARE

I had a dream last night that I was at a park with my friends Angela and Kyle. We were standing on a big open field (that looked like a large park) as we watched joggers, people throwing Frisbees and footballs, one couple was grilling, a group of kids were playing tag under a pavilion, etc.


We started walking towards a secluded boardwalk away from the park, completely engulfed by beautiful, multi-colored plants.  
As we walked down the boardwalk, Kyle said he wanted to find a good spot on the beach for us and ran ahead of Angela and I. Immediately after he was out of sight, a gigantic red snake came slithering out of a bush.


We screamed (Angela is equally deathly afraid of snakes in real life) and we sprinted back down the boardwalk towards the park. I tripped on a root, like a dumb bitch from a horror movie, but before I could get up, the snake slithered into my shirt!
I woke up in sheer panic, , leaped out of my bed, landed on my exercise ball and bounced into the wall.
God, I hate snakes.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

MAKING COLLEGE MY BITCH

Hallelujah finals week is OVER! I can finally breathe again. I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown I was so stressed. It was definitely the worst and most intense finals week of my college career thus far. It’s my own fault, since I procrastinated all my school work till the very last second. I hate myself sometimes.

Once I got back to school after Thanksgiving Break, I had to write three research papers and study for two exams, on top of a ton of art projects for my studio classes, which are all time consuming. Especially if you want them to look halfway decent. During my painting critique on Wednesday, four people pulled me aside and asked if I was okay.

Haha that's how stressed I was. My face broke out, I wasn't sleeping, I didn't have time to workout and I was under eating. It's all apart of the authentic college experience though, right? I took my last exam this morning and immediately came home and ate a bunch of fruit and vegetables and went into a 4 hour slumber. It was much needed.
But I’m proud of myself for getting all my work done and now I can just relax and look forward to Winter Break. Now that it’s over, I’m jumping right back into my routine of getting enough rest, working out and eating right. I have over a dozen paintings to create over break, a few of which are commissions! I'm so excited for that!





 
So those are the last paintings I did for my painting studio class and I’m really proud of them! The first three are self portraits from my 'No Evil' series and my final project was an inspiration painting of Vladimir Kush's 'Butterfly Ship' painting...and I incorporated my future husky, Milo. He's playing with butterflies.

Much love guys!!

Monday, October 22, 2012

I Suck at Painting

My life consists of school, the library, homework, yoga and working out. And honestly, I couldn’t be happier! My social life is slacking, but I HAVE to practice my art skills as much as possible to build up my portfolio. My painting skills are horrendous, so I'm sacrificing my social life for studio time, to practice.

                                                            First Painting: Mind Blown
 
Second Painting: Keep Your Head in the Clouds
 
 
 Third Painting: Thirsty Hookers

 
Fourth Painting: A Puff of Summer

 
I’ve been working out again! I started taking Creatine and I went from 146 pounds to 151.6 in a week! It was the first time I have ever been in the 150’s in my entire life! I was jumping up and down when I got on the scale.  My goal is to reach 165 and at the rate I’m going I’ll be there by Friday haha
I need new sneakers
 
That's my 'holy shit I now see how freaking sunburnt I actually got, face'. Thank goodness for aloe.
I hung out with two gay guys on Friday night! That was a big step for me. The three of us, along with my yoga partner and another friend went to the Rocky Horror Show together. Both of the guys are really feminine and I can’t relate to them too much. I tried but I’ll keep praying until I meet some gay guys I feel comfortable around.

Here’s a song that I’ve literally set on repeat the last week:

 
Much love guys!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Farts

My sister left me an email which I just finished reading. I was laughing so hard that I started choking and slightly vomited on my bedroom floor. I love bathroom humor, but this is over the top hysterical... so I hope you guys enjoy this just as much as we did.

Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans (that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).

 It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways – uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized …

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

“Seriously, you need to hurry – I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.

“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of way.  More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?”sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”

“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you …” then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!” he screamed.

“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”

“Get away from the door!” I screamed like Reagan from The Exorcist.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

“I’m fine, Rob – just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”

“Okay, are you sure you’re …”

“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this … “It was your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Animal Holocaust

Out of curiosity, I went on a food and health documentary binge on Netflix. After watching Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead, I was mesmerized. I followed up with Forks over Knives and Food Inc.

I’m disgusted by the abuse and unethical living arrangements these poor animals are forced into. PLEASE take the time to see how animals are tortured. My heart absolutely breaks for them.

These companies only have one thing on their mind, MONEY. There is so much evil in this world.

 
The media lies so much and gets away with it, because of power and money. For example, one of the meat companies slaps a label on their products that depicts a pretty red barn with lush rolling green hills in the foreground, with the sun protruding off in the distance.

Than it transitioned to that companies slaughter house and the ACTUAL animal’s living conditions. These demonic companies pump preservatives into the animal feed, to fatten them up faster and guess who’s eating those preservatives, you are. How the fuck do you think they're able to charge $1 for a burger or chicken sandwich nowadays? The cows, pigs, chickens and other animals are taken from their families, locked in cages, whipped, force fed, chained and slaughtered.
So the next time you order fast food, just know you're eating the lowest quality food humanely possible.
And this isn’t just Fast food corporations who are guilty. Tyson, Perdue and all the mass meat packaging companies are just as wicked. Perdue denied all interviews with the Documentary, which just shows how freaking shady they are.

This world needs a serious wake up call.
(My final for last years painting class) It's shitty, but I love the message
  
I know I am only one voice but to help my little farm friends, I’m changing my lifestyle.
I am proud to say I am fully committing to a Pescatarian diet and I'm working my way into veganism. These Documentaries have opened my eyes and I can't knowingly partake in such cruelty.  

Friday, August 31, 2012

My Neighbor Went to Prison!

Have you ever met someone, only to realize they aren’t the person that you thought they were?

About two years ago, I was home on break and my family informed me of something that literally sent chills up my spine. My next door neighbor had been stealing money from his company.
HE STOLE OVER ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
I thought they were joking.
Unfortunately, they weren’t. It gets worse, he did the same thing in his previous company, but the charges were dropped because his boss had an ill child that he needed to take care of. Somehow things weren't finalized properly and he started doing it again. But what goes around, comes around and he got caught.
This is not just some random person though. I've known he and his wife my entire life. THey moved into the house next door three months before I was born.  I used to go to their house for dinner, he would support my brother’s high school wrestling matches, he and his wife always came over with cookies, we used to have pool parties, my siblings and I used to babysit their kids.
When asked, he would always say he was climbing the ladder really quickly and kept receiving bonuses and promotions.  He definitely showed off and used the money he was stealing. During the recession, they were the only house on the block with bright green grass. They had a landscaper at their house 2/3 times a week, maintaining their yard like something out of a Homes & Gardens magazine. He gave his son and daughter over the top, elaborate bar and bat mitzvahs that could top most weddings. He bought a new Saab convertible for his wife, put an expansion on the house, completely refurnished, repainted, retiled and redecorated. He bought a boat, air-conditioned the garage so that his wife wouldn’t sweat while doing the laundry and took a family trip to Israel and Egypt.  
But this paradise he tried to manifest for himself turned into a living hell once his Company found out about his devious ways. The cops were sent directly to his house and handcuffed him in front of his wife and children. The wife ran to our house crying and from there, things continued to get worse. After months of denying the charges, he finally confessed.
First he was sent to jail, where he was immediately bailed out and than he was put on house arrest for two years and just received an eight-year-sentence in prison.
His son already has severe mental issues and he fell into a black hole after everything was out in the public. He lasted like one month in college and moved back home and than broke into the local elementary school with another punk. He's now drinking, doing coke and stealing to support his lifestyle.

The mom went from being a stay-at-home wife, to working 50+ hours a week. She lost control of the son and the younger sister was left to fend for herself, which morphed her into a manipulator. 
It's sad. 

Monday, August 27, 2012

21 Tricks to a Better Life

The Lotus Touts
 
ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, ‘I love you’, mean it.

FIVE. When you say, ‘I’m sorry’, look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELEVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, ‘Why do you want to know?’

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say ‘bless you’ when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

I SAW A VAGINA

Hey guys, I hope anyone enrolled in school, had a good first week back! Besides the atrocious parking and torrential downpour all week, mine wasn’t too shabby.

The highlight of my week goes to none other than my figure drawing II class.
My classmates and I were setting up our easels in a circle around a small stage, which was situated in the center of the room. I looked up from my easel as a 30ish year old Asian woman stepped up onto the stage and dropped her robe.
I saw my first vagina in real life. It was so flappy. Can girls store food in those things? I started thinking about all the snacks I'd store in mine if I had one. You wouldn't be able to store chocolate or anything that would melt. You wouldn't be able to store anything hard, like pretzels or Triscuits, because they'd cut into your fallopian tubes. I decided that bubble gum would be perfect to store up there. What kind of munchies would you keep in your kitty?
I couldn’t stop staring at it.  Than I started envisioning her vagina was like the hole from Alice in Wonderland. I can't believe girls just have a hole in their body. Ugh
 
And then I started wondering why we have pubic hair and why it grows so scraggily and gross. I am an advocate for manscaping. But now that I've seen a full bush on a female, I have to say the girls in pornos who have no hair downstairs look way nicer. Their vaginas are the size of almonds and look so tidy.
I think we can all agree that I've talked enough about vaginas. So anyways, I got a good first impression from all my professors. They all seemed really nice and knowledgeable people.
I spent at least $350 on books/art supplies. I understand why people hold off on college. I love feeling robbed for trying to better myself.
Enjoy your weekends everyone! Try not to be too jealous that I got to see a vagina and you didn't.

Monday, August 13, 2012

THIS GUY KEEPS HITTING ON ME

1. You have nice abs, I get it. It’s not like you’re shirtless 99% of the time I see you anyways. But the picture text was an interesting parting gift. I can’t look at shaving cream without smirking now…


2. The 2 AM sesh, which led to a discrete location, shirtless, with your hands down your pants.


3.       The time you wanted to play dj while everyone else went to the parking lot. How ironic that Give It Up by Pepper was next on your shuffle list.


4.  The night you slapped my ass. Or the time you flashed me yours.


5.  The night I showed everyone a picture of a guy I thought was cute and you blurted out "He looks just like me!"


6.  How many jumping jacks/pushups did you do again to relive your excitement when you found out I used to have a crush on you?


7. I hope I helped out that time your bowl was dirty and asked me to blow it.


8.  “I’ve shown you all the signs.”



Wednesday, June 27, 2012

MY HOT PROFESSOR, GAY BAR AND WEDDING

Hey dudes and gals, 

First off, I just finished Summer A classes! Thank God. I was taking ceramics and lithography printmaking. This sounds like an easy schedule. I kid you not; I had to work my ass off in both classes.

I may or may not have had a small crush on my ceramics professor. He’s cute, works out 5 days a week, probably 35ish and had the funniest personality.  I would pretend I didn’t know what I was doing on the wheel and purposely knock my clay off center, just so he would stand behind me and wrap his hands around mine.
He CALLED ME OUT about that during our final critique! He was like “I specifically remember you being one of the first students to learn how to center their clay. But it’s funny how fast you could un-center it as well.” HAHAHAHA Alyssa, Emily and I all busted into laughter. They were two of the chicks I came out to that semester. You caught me Profess
I really loved that class, the atmosphere was so relaxed and he always played music, we talked the entire time, helped each other and everyone took the class seriously. Since it was a Summer class, the course was several weeks shorter, but we were still required to make the same amount of projects as a class in Fall or Semester would have to make. We had demonstrations every week and that's why the class was so intense, we were always in the lab after hours.

The day after I came out to Alyssa, the two of us were in the glazing room trying to glaze our projects and she goes “this is such a pain in the ass”… pauses for a second, smiles at me and winks. She gay joked me and I LOVED IT, even though I couldn't relate due to inexperience. ha
Here are some pictures of my two Lithography projects:



 
Summer A classes are officially over and I had a five day intermission before Summer B classes begin. I’ll be taking Figure Drawing I and Art History II. I get to start drawing naked models!

During the short break, I went to a gay bar on Friday for the second time in my life! It turned out to be a total bust. The bar charged a $5 entrance fee, the drinks were wayyyy to expensive ($7 for my cap’t n coke) and there were maybe 20 people in the bar, if that. Alexis and I left after about an hour and bar hopped to other bars, which were so much more fun.

 
Two days later, Angela got MARRIED!! I got to walk her mama down the aisle!



 
Than MY GIRL GUITA surprised me and came into town to party, like she's done every year!
The 'O Squad'
 
 
I wish my eyes were open! Arggh
 
And lastly…
I bought my website domain name! I still have so much to do, like figure out the web hosting, find a website template, learn to navigate it and set up PayPal...but baby steps for now.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

York Peppermint HOTTIE



Dear York Peppermint Pattie,

When I watch your commercial, I always get the sensation. In my pants. Your tagline is phenomenal. This is one of the hottest commercials I have ever seen. Gavin Dunne is a drop-dead, 10 out of 10, gorgeous man. He is the definition of my type, to the tee. Tall, dark, handsome and green eyes. I'm star struck by his beauty.

I am so hungry right now...and not for candy. I want to grab him through the TV screen.

My heart skips a beat at 0:05 when he licks his lips. Eating candy has never looked so damn sexy...

Sunday, May 20, 2012

CONDOMS AND LUBE

Which condoms and lube are the best?

I did a little research and based on reviews, Astroglide water-based lubrication and Trojan lubricated condoms got great reviews across the board. Zac and I are ready to take our relationship to new heights...

This is the face he makes when the whipped cream and chocolate syrup come out to play.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

I SMASHED MY PHONE, MURDERED A RACCOON AND GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT

This week has been nothing less than fucking stressful and terrible.

Unlucky situation 1

On Monday, I was walking into the art building to go pee. The door smashed into my leg, made a direct hit with my front right pocket, smashed my car keys which shattered my iPhone screen.

Unlucky situation 2

On Wednesday night, I drove to campus to take advantage of the lab hours. I left at 11 P.M. I was about half way home, when, within a split second, I saw a raccoon standing in the middle of road. I didn’t have time to break or swerve. I clobbered the raccoon going 45 mph. It was one of the most horrible moments in my entire life. The impact was so intense. Imagine someone throwing a basketball against a garage door as hard as they could. That’s what it sounded like. I felt the body catapult under my car. I was screaming and shaking.  I couldn’t sleep.

Unlucky situation 3

This morning I was driving to school and couldn’t focus at all. I kept replaying the accident from last night in my mind, as I drove past the scene of the crime. And JUST when I thought nothing could possibly get any worse…
Life shit on me again.

I got into a fender bender.

I got to the parking garage and cried and than I started laughing. What did I do to deserve all this??

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Bachelorette Party in DISNEY!

ANGELA'S GETTING MARRIED!

She is a Disney addict, so of course that's where she chose to go for her Bachelorette party. Not going to lie, I felt awkward being the only guy there, but after a while, I didn’t give a shit.

The fun began when we entered Epcot around 11:30. We all had the munchies so we pigged out at a cafĂ©. After lunch, the girls bought Minnie mouse ears and we headed towards the Mission to Mars ride. The ride was okay. It’s one of those spinning rides and we had just eaten lunch, so I got really dizzy but it was a cool ride I guess. A little less spinning motion would have been nice. Oh God, I sound like an old person.

We were conveniently dropped off in the gift shop and I got a dog tag haha


After I was given my new identity, we went on Ellen DeGeneres’ dream ride. That woman is amazing. I’m reading her book ‘Seriously…I’m Kidding’ and my love just grows and grows for that woman.
We went to the soda pop factory and tasted all the different sodas from around the globe. Costa Rica’s soda tasted like straight shit.

We started walking to the different countries and I couldn’t stop people watching. We were in the United Kingdom and that’s where I laid eyes on my FAVORITE DISNEY CHARACTER! ALICE

So I walk up to Alice and this conversation happens:

Alice: Are you with those little mice? (pointing at the girls across the street)

Me: Yeah I’m with those mice. I’m their stripper.

Alice: … … … like a strip?

Me: Umm? YEAH...like a strip of ribbon!

Alice: AHH just like the one in my hair! (points at hair band)


Then we got to Canada and ran into a giant college Bachelor party from UF. Most of them were pretty drunk. Come to find out, the bachelor wasn’t even present. They left him passed out on a park bench in one of the other countries. Hahaha
One of the guys jokingly asks me “so, are you like the stripper for the bachelorette party?”

It was too perfect. I lift up my dog tag up and all the guys start going wild, giving me high-fives. We were definitely being the loudest people in the park. To add to the rowdiness, a CRAZY couple approaches us and recognizes the bachelor party because they bought all the guys drinks earlier on.

The couple started talking about marriage. The wife called her husband a douche bag, told us he had a big cock and just kept rambling on and on. We were all laughing and attracting way too much attention. Than the wife noticed that one of the guys from the bachelor party had the Cinderella castle tattooed on his foot and blurts out “nice tat man! Do you have a vagina too?”

It took every ounce of strength in me to not laugh. I slowly shift my head over to Angela and we erupted into laughter. That was our cue to leave, so we parted ways and kept exploring the countries. I got a strawberry margarita from Mexico and some alcoholic orange slush drink in London. The margarita was STRONG...or I'm just a light weight, because I was feeling it.

We went to Italy for dinner and there were eagles (our codename for hot guys) everywhere! The waiters, the bartenders, the host, the bus boys. I would have banged the entire staff. What was in that margarita?

We shared a delicious, giant appetizer...

After we ate and bird watched, the ladies kept ordering drinks from the different countries and ended the night with the incredible fireworks display over the lake.
Oh and then we got lost and had to re-enter and walk across the entire park to the opposite exit. haha

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

CREEPIEST CREEPER IN STAPLES!!!

Monday afternoon I drove to Staples to make copies for my 2D-Design final. I had to create a 16- page zine. A zine is a personal magazine on any topic. I chose to write my zine on one of my favorite shows, Intervention.

I walked into Staples, looked up and saw the huge sign titled ‘Copy and Print Center’ and headed towards the woman behind the counter. I told her I needed assistance with setting up the copy machine, so she quickly pointed at the buttons and went back to assist the other customers.
I started making copies of my zine for everyone in my class, and than…
About five minutes into organizing the copies, my eyes wandered up and connected with a middle aged guy that was staring directly at me. It wasn’t one of those looks where we met eyes at the same time. No, this guy had been staring at me and I caught him. I immediately looked away and concentrated my focus on the copy machine again. About 3 minutes later, after I finished another set of copies, I looked up again and he was still just blankly staring at me.
My mind in that moment: WTF. Stop looking at me you fu*king weirdo!
This time, I refused to allow myself to look up again. I had already made awkward eye contact twice with this guy and didn’t want a third.
Let me set the scene for you guys: He was a random customer sitting at a table (facing me) in the front of the store about 40 feet away. He was about 45 and real chubby. The table he was sitting at had miscellaneous items like paper clips, a stapler, tape, a ruler, a hole puncher, ect. for people to use at their leisure.
He wasn’t using shit. He was just being creepy as hell.
Then someone dressed in a full gorilla costume walks into the store. I watched the gorilla walk around the front of the store and started talking to one of the cashiers, so I concluded it was some co-worker dressed up for a promotional thing.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the creeper looking in my direction. He didn't take his eyes off me for a solid five minutes at this point. I couldn't resist the urge, so my eyes darted over to him.

I thought my eyes were going to burn from the sight I had to witness. This heavyset man was gripping the end of a twizzler, sliding it in and out of his mouth, in a blow job motion.
I COULD NOT GET OUT OF THAT FUCKING STORE FAST ENOUGH.
That was the last time I looked at the Twizzler Freak. I was so uncomfortable and stood there staring down at the copy machine, trying to comprehend what I just saw. I couldn’t tell if he was just amusing himself and being fucking weird or was gay and had amazing gaydar.
Luckily he was gone when I finished my copies and I literally ran to my car, fearful that he was lingering in the parking lot and got the hell out of there.
I should have thrown him the Jenna Marbles face...
 

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Life Goals


Wanting something is not enough. You must hunger for it. Your motivation must be absolutely compelling in order to overcome the obstacles that will invariably come your way.


I am going to graduate from college with at least a 3.4 gpa.
I am going to make new friends and continue to grow in my friendships with my current friends and family.
I am going to read my Bible every day, watch a motivational video every day and read my Upper Room every morning.
I am going to build a website for my artwork.
I am going to adopt a Siberian husky puppy.
I am going to constantly push myself to improve my art skills and expand my imagination.
I am going to transform my body.
I am going to eat healthy every single day.
I am going to kick every negative thought from my head and replace it with my prayer language.
I am going to marry a handsome, successful, loving husband.
I am going to see Ellen DeGeneres live.
I am going to take my family on a dream vacation to Europe as a thank you for everything they have done for me.
I am going to have my art displayed in galleries and museums all over the world.
I am going to be very financially well off.
I am going to drive an Audi one day.
I am going to build an organic garden.
I am going to master every yoga pose.
I am going to learn how to cook.
I am going to love my husband with all my heart.
I am going to take care of myself, my hygiene and the way I look.
I am going to give generously to charities that focus on helping children and animals in need.
I am going to surround myself with positive, motivational people with high dreams like myself.
I am going to be the best uncle to my brother and sister’s children.
I am going to run in a half marathon one day.
I am going to live a long, happy, beautiful life.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Circumcised vs Uncircumcised


Do you prefer chopped or unchopped sausages? Serious question!

I’ve never seen an uncircumcised pecker in real life.

What's that extra skin like?

 
Penises are such a funny topic of discussion. I may be prude, but I love to talk about sex. I find it so amusing. 

And when I go to yoga class, I always think about sex. I’m not sure why but it happens every time.  

Me: There were three smoking hot guys in yoga last night, I wish you were there. Does doing yoga make you horny too?

Kaitlin: "Hahaha Yay! Um sometimes when I’m in a deep stretch I think of how flexible I’ll be in bed, but other than that, it’s just relaxing for me haha."

I do the same thing girl. Yoga is going to come in handy when I start having sex.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Call Me Maybe


I did not see that one coming. The song Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen came on the radio when I was driving back to school and found it oddly catchy. Okay who am I kidding, I was jamming out to the song full blast.

I creeped the song on YouTube and thanks to the AMAZING video, I fell in love with this song. You guys will love it, trust me.

Call me maybe? I would call him DEFINITELY. Talk about the ultimate guy next door haha


I am going for the body that guy in the video has. I start the P90x challenge with Dorie in a month!

I wonder if he's gay in real life? Hope so because he is super freaking mega sexy fine.



I guess this picture answers my question. Haha Is that Colton Haynes (the hottie from Teen Wolf)??

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I'M LEGAL!!!



Today is my 21st birthday! I never had a fake ID, which made the excitement even greater!

I did 21 shots! April fooooools ha

My parents called me in the afternoon and gave me a quick schpeal about "don't drink too much, drink a glass of water in-between each drink, don't have more than four drinks, always hold onto your drink, etc. haha I mostly took their advice

Angela came over around 11 PM with a homemade cake and champagne to kick off the night. We got to a 21+ night club called Whiskey Rivers at 11:45 PM and bouncer literally made us wait at the door until midnight. The second the clock struck midnight,the bouncer wished me a happy birthday and the fun began. I walked in and it was like a whole 'nother world that I have never been exposed to. I'm not going to lie, I was intimidated by all of it.

The place was huge with several bars, huge projector screens filming the dance floor, fog machines and strobe lights, people were going nuts. It was people watching paradise.

My friends led me right to the bar and the drinks started flowing. I started out with a shot that tasted like skittles. Those sugary, fruity shots are the deadliest. Before I could even put that shot back,I had a rum runner in my other hand which tasted so good.

Everyone got a few drinks in them and we migrated from the bar to the dance floor and started loosening up.


The last thing I wanted to do was get ridiculously wasted, so I drank a red bull infused drink and stopped at that. Champagne and three drinks, not too bad! I was proud of myself.

I was super tipsy and spotted a group of cute guys, so Angela and Tera aka Tera Cotta, walked up to them and go:

"Are any of you guys gay?"
The guys- It's your birthday!?
"No...Are you guys GAY?"
The guys- we can if you want us to be.

I was dying laughing. hahaha

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I WENT TO MY FIRST SEX SHOP

Each time I come home, everything seems different. I realized things change slightly, but they seem so incredibly different, because I've changed drastically.

After saying hi to my parents and Tebow, I immediately drove over to see Michelle! She left UNF after sophomore year and transferred to FAU and I miss her terribly. We got silly off Arbor Mist and hung out on her front porch.

One of her friends was also there, who happened to be talking about birthdays, so she asked me when mine was.  I told her April Fool’s Day.

Her: "Well that must say a lot about you."

Me: What do you mean?

Her: "You were born on the day of the lies"
Hahaha does that mean I'm more prone to lying?

Michelle and I went to Wilton Manors this past Friday and met up with my parents and sister. We went to this wine and tapas place and than somehow ended up in the bathroom together. There was a small bookshelf in the bathroom with a bowl of condoms and packets of lube, so we started filling her Mich's bag with them haha

After my parents and sister left later in the night, Patty and her friend met up with us and we hit the sex store. It was interesting to say the least. There's some weird fetish stuff in there. As we're leaving, Patty notices a bowl of brownies labeled 'Magical Brownies' by the cash register. She stopped dead in her tracks and asked the cashier if those brownies were legit and he goes "honey, if they were, the bowl would be empty."

After we left the sex shop, we looked around a candy shop and than went to a bar to play pool. One of the bartenders working there was smoking hot.


Me: damn this picture is staticky
Mich: ...you mean blurry?
 Me: yeah that word
 Mich: that's the simpliest fucking word
 
Overall, it was a pretty nice little break. I got to see several of my friends, worked on a mural on my back porch, got my teeth cleaned and just relaxed.

Now I’m back on the school grind, cramming and stressing out as this semester comes to a close and loving every second of my life!

P.S.- It turns out Michelle's boyfriend found the condoms and lube in her bag and he now thinks she's cheating on him. hahahaha I'm dying

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Dream of the Month-February 2012


Welcome to my dream on February 12th…
The dream began with me staring down at a pen and signing myself up for a fitness competition. The first round of the competition took place on the back porch of my parent's house. Except the back porch was huge compared to what it is in reality and the ground was grass instead of tile. A really cute guy sprinted past me, towards a giant bounce house, as another guy chased from behind. The objective was for him to make it inside the bounce house and avoid getting tackled by the person of the opposite team.
I remember having the hots for several of the guys in the fitness competition, so I walked inside my house and headed for the bathroom. The second I stepped inside my house, my body lifted effortlessly into the air. The tiles had come to life and grew arms, grabbing my ankles and elevated my body off the ground. I felt like I was crowd surfing as the tiles carried me to the bathroom door. They gently set me down and hundreds of arms started waving at me and dropped back into the ground. Haha it was so trippy
I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I was so confused, because my hair was dripping wet for some unexplained reason. My hair began growing in front of my eyes and grew down to my shoulders. I started jumping up and down in excitement because I was totally rocking the new do. I spent some time trying to style my hair and give myself dreadlocks, but I failed. I found a pair of scissors and cut it back to normal.
I left the bathroom and walked into the lobby of the YMCA I attend back home. Two coaches ran up to me, frantically screaming for me to get ready for the second round of the fitness competition. I tried to tell them that I didn’t even participate in the bounce house round, but they ignored me. I had somehow placed and moved on without even competing in the first round. Haha
For the second round of the competition, I was required to team up with a partner of the opposite gender. The team that had the closest matching body fat percentage won. I looked around and saw fat people grouping together and started panicking, trying to find a thin girl to be my teammate.
I ran past the lobby desk and approached a huge, really wide staircase that went up for what seemed like forever. I started trekking up the massive staircase and found a secret room built into the wall. I looked up and realized there were several secret doors so I entered the first one. I made my way into the room and it was filled with attractive, college aged blonde girls.
The room was darkly lit, as the girls sat behind a circular bar all facing a massive bonfire with tiki decorations behind them. None of the girls noticed my presence, so I yelled to get their attention. I scanned the room and pointed at a girl who was drawing and chose her as my teammate.
Of course I chose the artsy one…lol
We left the room together and started walking back down the stairs to register as partners. She started pissing me off with stupid comments, so we went our separate ways. Just as a coach came running up to me, I ran into one of my best friends Anita, and we immediately teamed up.

Our fat body index was almost identical and we advanced to the final round. We were blindfolded...
When I took the blindfold off, I was with Anita and two other people in an empty room on the top floor of a tower. Like Rapunzel. There were no doors in the room and only one window. To escape, we shimmied down the side of the tower and landed on a beautiful terrain. The grass was plush green and soft like golf grass. There were huge beautiful trees, butterflies flying around us and the sun was warm on my skin. It kind of reminded me of the Queen of Heart's garden from Alice in Wonderland.
The only problem was that we were surrounded by huge, thick rose bushes. One of the guys found four sets of stilts leaning up against the side of the tower, so we harnessed the stilts onto our feet and simultaneously hurdled over the rose bushes. We had entered into a magical land. Anita and the two other people immediately ripped off their stilts and began running after ping pong balls, which were raining down from the sky. I took off my shirt and started collecting as many ping pong balls in it as I could.
In the distance, there was a beach with monster-like creatures playing water baseball. I walked up to the beach and it was people dressed up in different animal costumes playing baseball with the ping pong balls. I remember watching in amazement, because they were running on the water.
I looked down into the pile of ping pong balls filled in my shirt and watched as one of the balls morphed into my phone.  The phone started ringing and my friend Angel was on the other end, screaming at me. She was begging me to put on my tie dye shoes and meet her at Publix. I kept telling her I didn’t own a pair of tie dye shoes but she was so persistent, forcing me to go check my closet.

I magically poofed back to my bedroom and found three pairs of shoes with awesome tie dye designs in my closet. I grabbed the coolest looking pair and poofed myself to Publix.
Angel was standing on a stage, in the middle of the grocery store, singing karaoke. Her baby was backup dancing with a hula skirt on. I ran onto the stage hysterically laughing and ran up to hug her.
Than I woke up.