I woke up December 28th, 2010 with a chill traveling down my spine. After weeks of in-depth conversations with my counselor gearing towards this moment, I was now staring at the circled day on my calendar in sheer apprehension. I honestly can't really remember much from that day, because I was in a daze and I couldn't stop myself from thinking at a million miles per second.
My brother and sister were in the TV room and asked "so, are you ready for tonight!?" I was hesitant to reply to their almost simultaneous question, but managed a "yep". I went back into my room and tried to reminisce on everything my counselor had aided me through and things she advised me to do when this day had come.
Once my dad got home from work, my family (minus my mom) went to the gym. Is it odd that I subconsciously avoided my parents that entire afternoon? I think seeing their faces only reminded me of what was to come, which only triggered a swarm of even more nerves. Luckily; my dad was in the cardio section and I stayed hermitted in the free weight area, as far away as possible.
Once we got home, dinner time was quickly approaching. I tried to block it out of my mind, while I sat silently eating my pork tenderloin and potato.
I'm not sure what sparked the conversation, but my mom started talking about the gays! She was talking about a friend from church who was gay and how he rejected our invitation to partake in our Christmas Eve party, because he wasn't sure if he was going to be safe at our house due to his sexuality. Anyways, she finished her schpeal with "I just love the gay community, I hope he feels safe and comfortable to accept an invitation in the future."
I felt like time had stopped the second she said that. My brother, sister and I all looked at each other with faint smirks. I was about to come out right after she said that, but I wimped out. After dinner, I left the room and started pacing in my bedroom.
My siblings walked into my sister's room, so I followed. They told me to either tell them tonight or just wait it out, because it was starting to get late. I told them I had to come out tonight, so we all walked back into the family room where my parents were. My dad had just popped in the newest season of 24, while my mom was folding laundry. I looked at my brother and sister one last time and then hit the Stop button on the remote.
My parent’s attention immediately shifted from the blank television screen over to me. I stood up out of the chair and after five years, I finally spoke up "I have an announcement to make" were the initial words out of my mouth, as my entire body was now trembling uncontrollably. My mom dropped the half folded shirt back in the laundry bin, while my dad instantly sat up in the couch.
I tried to keep things positive. I told them that I had done a lot of soul searching this past six months, figuring out who I am as a person. I pressed on and told them I am much more confident now and I have been increasing my self-esteem tremendously.
From there I just said the words I thought I would never say to my parents. "Mom...Dad, I'm gay."
"WHAT!!??" my mom shouted. I started crying. I dropped my head into my hands and had no luck holding back the tears. My parents jumped out of their seats and positioned themselves on the arms of the chair where I was sitting. They both began reassuring me that they still loved me. I got ahold of myself and started explaining everything to them. I answered every question they had to the best of my ability, with the help of my brother and sister.
I told them about my high school experiences, my coming out stories, counseling, my spiritual journey, creating this blog, all of it. They were both stunned. The quiet, reserved child in the family was finally found his voice and opened up to his parents.
I didn't have much more of a chance to talk to my parents about it that night, since a neighbor came over about ten minutes later and as soon as he left, one of my brother’s friends came over. I did sit in my room and talk more with my mom though. I showed her all the things I had accumulated in counseling and she was asking me all sorts of questions. She told me how astonished she was finding about my sexuality. Neither of my parents had the slightest idea, which disappointed my mom because she said she has good gaydar.
She told me she has always been very passionate and driven to learn more about the gay community. They travel to San Francisco almost every year and love the 'West Coast mentality'. She said they tried to go to a gay pride parade, but couldn't find one that overlapped the time they were there. She looked at me and said "you know what; I think God was preparing your father and I for a gay child".
That night I left the letter I had written to them on the kitchen counter. I know that is something my parents will keep forever.
I did it you guys, I DID IT!