As of a few months ago, my mind is finally becoming in sync with the rest of the world. I was so buried in my issues, pain and mental lies, that I had no time to just stop, observe and think rationally. I hate thinking about my past, but the first issue I tackled was…
Paranoia. It still baffles me how so few people had an inclination about my sexuality. I ALWAYS thought my family and friends talked about my sexuality behind my back. It was so bad that I literally thought every single person I knew, thought I was gay. Relatives, neighbors, school friends, my teachers, the whole world. My mind told myself enough times that people were always talking about me, so I began to believe it.
How I fixed this problem? I came out of the closet, duh! It wasn’t until I came out and began asking people instead of making assumptions, that I realized it was all in my head!
Stress. Due to my paranoia, I had so much built up stress, to the point it started affecting me physically. I began losing my appetite. I graduated high school weighing 120 pounds. I started getting horrible stomach aches, but I told myself I deserved to be in this physical pain. Fucked up, I know. I started popping stomach relievers called Titralac 3x a day to prevent myself from getting sick from the lack of food I was eating.
Nowadays, if something stresses me out, I seek out a productive way to accomplish it. Working out, listening to music and drawing or my go-to remedies. I now weigh 142 pounds and my goal is to get to 165 pounds.
Self-hatred. I absolutely hated myself down to my core. I thought I deserved nothing while others deserved success in their lives. If I did perhaps exceed in something, I just figured I got lucky and brushed it off. If someone complimented me, I thought they were lying and just being sympathetic towards me. I used to wish I was other people in High School.
I washed away all the self hate by standing in the rain and listening to this song:
Haha I kid. Coming out, accepting myself and washing away the lies that I fed off of for so many years, was the best self-love I could have given myself. I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I know I am gay and that’s just a tiny part of my genealogy.
Bottling up. Thinking about my sexuality all day, everyday and not telling a single soul, really did damage to my mind. Holding onto negative energy is not healthy, so let that shit go!
I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the World I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the World that I'm coming