Saturday, December 18, 2010

Healing Wounds

As of a few months ago, my mind is finally becoming in sync with the rest of the world. I was so buried in my issues, pain and mental lies, that I had no time to just stop, observe and think rationally. I hate thinking about my past, but the first issue I tackled was…

Paranoia. It still baffles me how so few people had an inclination about my sexuality. I ALWAYS thought my family and friends talked about my sexuality behind my back. It was so bad that I literally thought every single person I knew, thought I was gay. Relatives, neighbors, school friends, my teachers, the whole world. My mind told myself enough times that people were always talking about me, so I began to believe it.

How I fixed this problem? I came out of the closet, duh! It wasn’t until I came out and began asking people instead of making assumptions, that I realized it was all in my head!

Stress. Due to my paranoia, I had so much built up stress, to the point it started affecting me physically. I began losing my appetite. I graduated high school weighing 120 pounds. I started getting horrible stomach aches, but I told myself I deserved to be in this physical pain. Fucked up, I know. I started popping stomach relievers called Titralac 3x a day to prevent myself from getting sick from the lack of food I was eating.

Nowadays, if something stresses me out, I seek out a productive way to accomplish it. Working out, listening to music and drawing or my go-to remedies. I now weigh 142 pounds and my goal is to get to 165 pounds.

Self-hatred. I absolutely hated myself down to my core. I thought I deserved nothing while others deserved success in their lives. If I did perhaps exceed in something, I just figured I got lucky and brushed it off. If someone complimented me, I thought they were lying and just being sympathetic towards me. I used to wish I was other people in High School.

I washed away all the self hate by standing in the rain and listening to this song:


Haha I kid. Coming out, accepting myself and washing away the lies that I fed off of for so many years, was the best self-love I could have given myself. I am slowly becoming comfortable in my own skin. I know I am gay and that’s just a tiny part of my genealogy.

Bottling up. Thinking about my sexuality all day, everyday and not telling a single soul, really did damage to my mind. Holding onto negative energy is not healthy, so let that shit go!

I'm coming home
I'm coming home
Tell the World I'm coming home
Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday
I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes
I'm coming home, I'm coming home
Tell the World that I'm coming

8 comments:

  1. Its always amazing that someone can imagine what everyone else is thinking. Its usually never what you think and all you end up doing is suffering by your own hands. I think its great that you finally have figured out your issues. Take things slowly and in the end your going to be a fantastic well-adjusted guy who deserves someones love and can return that love. Stay strong......your never totally alone.

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  2. I really really really like that diddy song

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  3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u2w_VJiIPks

    this song is pretty sick too...i never heard of the diddy version but i guess it was probably first since this was off a mixtape

    soooo glad things have gotten better for you and you continue to grow. keep up the good work and you know im here for you if you need it kid

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  4. AGD: It is hard for me to imagine that these wounds existed when you come across so vibrant and energetic. With all your struggles it's amazing that you have been able to hold yourself together this long. But as your post implies, your happy and normal exterior did not reflect the turmoil you felt inside. At some point, if not in your coming out letter, you really need to open some of this to your parents and your siblings. You now realize that you were damaging yourself, slowly strangling the life out of your existence. But a new day is here, so embrace it and make it your own and with it will follow all the hopes and dreams you deserve.

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  5. I felt the exact same paranoia the entire time I was struggling in the closet. You go out of your way to "act straight," and make comments about girls just so that no one would suspect. You hide your computer history and do insane things just so no one would ever question you. I was there, and it was the WORST! I'm so glad that you've been able to move past all that, and it must be a HUGE relief for you. I've been such a happier person since I started coming out to people, so much more relaxed, and so much more me. I'm glad you're finding the same!

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  6. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE

    Reading all of your posts, it really is amazing how much it seems you've grown. Keep on being strong buddy!

    -Robbie

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  7. It's amazing how much power our minds will give things in combination with stress. Paranoia of any kind is so much pressure on the psyche and our physical self. It sounds like you've come strides from where you were before!

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