Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Virginity and Sex Talk

I think I'm scared to have sex. I don't know how to explain it. Obviously I'm old enough to be having sex, but I don't feel ready. I need your help. I want everyone's opinion on this topic and what it was like for you when you lost your virginity. Its super scary for me and any type of insight would be extremely appreciated.

Q #1 Are one night stands and random hookups fun/worth it? Or is it worth the wait to lose it with a boyfriend?

Q#2 Or should I wait until marriage? That's a really long time though. The Bible says to wait.

Q#3 What impact does sex for the first time have on the mind?

Q#4 How do you know if you're a top or a bottom?

Q#5 How bad does it hurt when you bottom for the first time? How much lube do you have to use?

Q#6 Do you cum after 10 seconds the first few times you have sex?

I just want my first time to be something meaningful and enjoyable for me and the other guy.


  1. I think the idea of virginity is a weird concept. Everyone views it differently. Like what constitutes losing your virginity, penetrative sex, mutual masterbation, etc? All these things seem to be on a sliding scale of intimacy ranging from something as tame as holding hands to full blown sex. I think virginity is a moot point. For me it is about the person and the connection we have. All forms of intimacy are more secondary.

  2. Some answers. Jus take what you need, with salt. Or something:
    1. People do what they gotta do. It's just that everything has its consequence: You sleep around a lot, get a rep, and find it's hard to get a monogamous relationship later -- if that's what you want. But honestly, good sex is good sex. Some people think it's more than worth it.
    2. It's a personal thing. I prefer non-virgins, but ...
    3. I felt pretty bad after I lost my virginity, cuz I did it with someone I didn't care much about. Something meaningful is hella better than a string of one-night stands.
    4. You say that now, but if you really do save yourself for the "one person you love unconditionally," you're probably going to be clingy. It's pretty normal, with the endorphines and all. Getting past it is part of life.
    5. You're right. I know one girl who's saving herself for marriage. She's social, pretty, etc -- and I respect her even more for it. However, double standards exist.
    6. Guys with sexual experience are better in bed. You just get better with experience. However, guys who've picked up every std out there are a turnoff. Gotta hit that sweet spot.

    Your attitude toward sex, relationships, and virginity are inspiring, but I've taken a different route. I saw previous dates as practice for the real thing. Someday, prince charming might pass by, but what's the point if he just keeps walking? (ie: like a skinny guy wishin for a bodybuilder without ever hittin the gym himself.)

    I dunno man. Everyone wants a perfect moment with the perfect person, but I don't think it's realistic to keep holding out for it. Guys are pretty much expected to get some experience before settling down .. but maybe you just live in a better neighborhood.

  3. Dang, where are guys like you in my town???

  4. Personally I lost virginity to my first real gf, but not yet with guys (actual sex, done up to oral with both) but I honestly think I don't regret it. Here's why...

    The experience shaped who I am, a kid trying to be straight, and it was only when I started having sex that I really realized that girls weren't for me lol. Before that I honestly thought maybe I just hadn't met the right one. If I hadn't done that who knows how long I'd be still looking? I definitely wouldn't be commenting on this blog.

    For guys I've done up to oral, and I admit made out with one or two guys who I didn't know that long... but sex, especially gay guys... seems to be complicated haha. It's physically more

    In either case, your "first time" although it may be special and with the right person, is probably going to be far from ideal in terms of knowing what you want sexually. That's what experience is for. (I DON'T mean sleep around lol) I'm just saying that even if it's with the person you love very much, you're probably going to learn over time what you like most.

    I think people who are waiting for their first time have good intentions but place extremely high standards for the "one amazing moment" where you really explore things, you know? If you want to wait, then I say great! Good for you, like you said, better to wait until whenever you feel comfortable.

    For me, and just a personal choice, I don't regret the experiences I've had so far, I'll admit the only real crazy thing I've done was a drunk hookup but it was a gay friend who I'd known for months/years and we just decided to "explore" things lol. He slept over (no sex, but did other stuff) and the best part was almost cuddling after in bed and waking up to someone. Or maybe it was the morning head, it's a toss up, lol jk. It was fucking awesome to be honest, and we still hang out occasionally (not awkward).

    I suppose it's just so I have something to compare it to in the future, chemistry wise. A personal connection is very important too. Anyways I don't know if that helped or not but just my thoughts, whoever you end up with is a very lucky guy! You're grounded and good for you to stand up for what you believe is important.

  5. Speaking from the virgin camp =P

    1) I think in life a lot of what we do is motivated by our environment and the people we interact with, and this is no exception. Some people have parents who are pretty liberal towards sex, or have friends who think random hook-ups are cool, so that's why they hookup randomly. Others might have higher priorities in life, like buying a house or studying hard in school or maybe like you, were raised to value chastity highly, so sex isn’t as big a deal. Different strokes for different folks, in a way.

    2) I don’t think anybody can really answer this for you, but personally I wouldn’t be opposed sex before marriage, but nor do I disagree with your stance. I like what the first commenter said in that it’s about the person and the relationship you two share. If you can find someone that values virginity as much as you do, then great! But if you’re in love with a person, I don’t see why it would be any less special than if you waited till marriage. If things don’t work out, take something away from it, move on and chalk it up to a learning experience.

    3)Uhhhhh...wouldn’t know. Sorry =P

    4)Well, if you’re going to save yourself for marriage and the one you truly love, this shouldn’t be a problem right? This is going to be someone you’re going to be spending the rest of your life with, so why wouldn’t you cling to them? And if you go the sex before marriage route, well, there’s only one way to find out. Maybe you won’t be clingy (great!), and even if you are, I doubt you’ll dwell on it forever. Eventually, you’ll get over it; I’ve seen it happen before.

    5)I’m not religious, but I can respect waiting to give yourself to one person for the rest of your life. It shows a lot of dedication to that person and to have it culminate in one night would be really special.

    6) I’d find both equally attractive, given that experienced doesn’t equal trashy and disease-ridden. Experienced means a fun time, which is nice, but being innocent says a lot of (good) things about someone’s character and for me that’s just as valuable.

    It might sound like I’m being wish-washy, but what I’m trying to get at here is that I wouldn’t think too hard into the whole virginity and sex thing. There’s no wrong or right answer here; you’ve got a smart head on your shoulders and your own set of values, so if you find someone who shares the same values as you do and decide to wait it out, cool. But I wouldn’t be closed-minded to the idea of sex before marriage, if you feel it’s right and special, then why not go for it? At the very least you can gain some experience out of it and learn about yourself. For me, I’m just going to be patient and wait for the right person, marriage or not.

  6. Gosh! I had the same thoughts!

    This is what I once wrote:
    "Raised in a conservative family, I grew up with the mindset of maintaining virginity before marriage. The people I grew up with all go dating without having sex. I guess kisses and gropes are acceptable, but penetrative sex is strictly for married couples. Such view is so strongly ingrained on my head that I even imagined of never having sex before getting my GAY marriage. YuP! I know how weird that sounds."

    "I keep asking myself questions like,
    "What do you maintain your virginity for?",
    "Shouldn't you try it with the person before committing the longer run?"
    "Are you sure you want to do it with only one person for your whole life?",
    "What if gay marriage were never legalised in where I live?"
    "What age are you going to get gay-married?""


    One and half a year later, here I am, still a virgin. I think waiting for gay marriage before sex is going to be too long. I'll have sex once I have a boyfriend.


  7. 1) It happens. I tried it, and that's when I discovered that I need an emotional bond with someone for it to mean something, and to be enjoyable. I've firmed up my morals quite a bit since then, and I whilst I don't think the occasional one night stand is trashy, I think repeatedly having them is.

    2) Yes :)

    3) I didn't really enjoy my experiences too much (see 1) so now the idea sort of freaks me out. Straight kids get to make out playing spin-the-bottle when they're 12, and they get to slowly experience more and more in their own time, so when they're in their late teens/early twenties, sex isn't a huge thing. I think being a gay guy takes away some of this time, and when we're finally ready to be dating, there's all this pressure to have sex because you're in your twenties. It's a bit like, of course you should be having sex, you're not some chaste 12 year old - when in terms of experience with relationships, we sort of are.

    4) Not for me

    6) As someone still hugely inexperienced, I think experience matters. More and more so the older you get.

  8. I am 25 and still a virgin. Am I saving up for someone special? No, its simply a matter of practical preference for me. I don't wanna have penetration with someone I don't have intense feeling for. If you feel like that, then welcome to the virgin camp :)
    Its not that I am gonna wait for marriage/boyfriend, because (again) its a practical issue here. I live in India, and don't have the guts to come to terms with my sexuality in public.
    I am not gonna go much into the details but I think you guys in the western country are very lucky that you can at least express yourself without fear or you guys have the courage to do so.
    It sucks here :(

    anyways, awesome blog, I am really hooked to it. Got this link from MMT. Was reading about suicide MMTs there and came across few gay relates MMTs, and somehow landed on your blog. Now that I think about it, it really helps to read about being gay then googling for how to commit accidental suicides, you know :-/

  9. AGD: Right now most of your questions really are hypotheticals until you meet someone you are intensely attracted to, so much so that your logical mind will become overwhelmed with horny thoughts. Just go with what feels right with you. It's admirable that you want to save yourself for something deeper but it's not necessary and may limit your field of choices since your partner would have to have the same mind set. You still can save certain things (i.e. anal sex) for marriage or the one guy you deem perfect for you. It's OK to explore -- just do it in a safe way and use protection.

  10. 1) Wait until you've got some experience under your belt and you will understand how a physical action between two people can be separate from an emotional connection.

    2) Lose your virginity when you feel comfortable, not before, and that could be before marriage. Waiting for a special milestone shouldn't really be the goal, when your ready is the goal.

    3) After my first time it was awkward with the other person. There is a lot of emotions wrapped up in loosing your virginity and only experience will help you deal with it. The first time you are doing something with another person that until that point was highly personal, so that is what you have to deal with.

    4) be yourself.

    5) religion should really have no part of losing your virginity. Religion is there to make you feel guilt(among other things,) while your penis is there to make your feel good, and they say that is a conflict.

    6) at some point in your life you will probably reflect back on these questions and think to yourself how naive you were. Well we've all been there, it's part of life, you have assumptions, some turn out to be right while most turn out to be not right (different, sometimes better sometimes worse.)

    Your first time, there will be regrets, because of something that you don't even know now is going to be something that you wish you had done. Think of it more as a first step, or the first word you ever spoke, or something that started a process that you have mastered.

    To put so much pressure on yourself to say that the first time has to be special is not realistic. If your with that special person you want it to get better each time.

    The reality of your first time is going to awkward, your going to be unsure of yourself and what your partner wants or expects. Your going to be exploring parts of another persons body that you've never seen in the light of day, and if your thinking a religious figure has told you what your doing is wrong, then just that much more pressure.

    Be comfortable, and be yourself.

  11. I know what you're saying, "first time is special...etc" but it's just sex.

    I wanted the perfect everything, the right music playing---In a few words, he was a random, instead of some movie-like music, it was Lady Gaga's Telephone. Gay? Extremely (given our acts). Romantic? Objectively, no. Personally, yes, it's a pivotal moment in my life.

    I had this idea of the perfect way to lose it, in the same way I had the perfect idea of coming out the closet but the words we choose and the people we love always have plans of their own. And whatever thoughts we entertain about love after watching a Julia Roberts film can still be carried away by the moment. Maybe not you but I felt stupid waiting for so long, feeling unwanted at times, and for what? What exactly was so special that I should wait for the “perfect” everything? So I didn't. I let myself go.

    Sex felt good but what felt better was the feeling of being with someone. What you may be confusing with sex is love (I did). I sound as corny as Prince Charming but it's true. There's a difference between sex and love, virgins don't know that, I certainly didn't, I thought they were the same but they're not. Sex is not love because he'll be getting dressed and you'll be thinking of washing your sheets.

    Sex is dirty but so pleasurable it should be a crime, gay sex especially (and it is). Love, I don't know anything about, dirtier I'd imagine. But the few times I found myself after the sex, warm with him, hearing him breathe, his eyes closed to what I'm seeing, I imagined “love” must feel like. And those imaginings after the sex is what, I think, you're looking for, the ecstasy and rapture of feeling alive because you engaged in something living. That feeling of having someone to wake up to because they accepted you as you are is what Disney tries to capture with magic carpets and Elton John songs. That moment after is not sex, that's love (in a simplistic childish way). That perfect moment you (I) wanted was after sex, not during when you're trying to figure out which goes where, what lube is available, where the condoms are...

    Sex offers a glimpse into that fairy tale moment you're looking for but just that glimpse into love, even if it is an illusion, is worth going through the act that scares you so much.

    Of course, you don't deserve a glimpse, no one does, not about that most human emotion anyway. But Prince Charming or that moment when he puts the shoe on Cinderella or when the evil witch dies doesn't exist because in all likelihoods Prince Charming is the evil witch breaking your heart, and the perfect moment already got ruined by Lady Gaga. Any one you meet will have imperfections, massive ones like plot holes in romantic comedies starring Julia Roberts, and no moment will be perfect if you compare it to your fantasies but if you believe, remember that sex CAN mean something with the right person then sex with that person will always be perfect---even when it's on a bathroom floor.

    Does it really matter if you find yourself naked with the wrong one when at the end of the day, at the beginning of “happily ever after” the right one is right there waiting for you?

    To answer your original question bluntly and not in this roundabout way, have sex. With a friend or not, high even. "Weed makes sex even better." Do it if virginity bothers you and if it doesn't then don't do it. But don't make it out to be some big thing cause your partner might not have some big thing.

    Do it when you're ready like you said but don't make a big deal out of it. Maybe I'm just a slut but sex with someone right and with someone for the night are two different things. I'm not giving up hope for Prince Charming just because the only one who wants me is his squire.

    Plus, the squire has a personality and is loyal to his friend, the prince just wants to fuck some random bitch in a tower, talk about priorities.

  12. Ok, you don't know me and should not take my advice any more than some random internet person, but I too used to be hyper-worried abou these things. I am a (closeted) bi-male, and during my teens I repressed my sexuality because of spiritual pursuits. Virginity was important to me.

    After I finally had sexual encounters with both men and women, however, I have to say that I am surprised to find myself not feeling any different at all. It is like it was just another masturbation session, only this time with other people.

    I did bring the topic up to my girlfriend before. She said that for women there is a definite change ("you hurt - but not necessarily in a bad way", and she left me with the impression that it stays with them). I think for men, however, the topic of virginity needs to be totally reanalyzed.

    Per your questions:
    1) Yeah, its trashy - but if you don't explore healthy sexual expression then the sex drive will push you over the edge and you'll explore unhealthy sexual expression. Been there (me 23, him 43 - met in person 1/2 hour after meeting online -- SAD).

    2) If you want to. Again, mind the unhealthy sexual expression building up.

    3.) See my initial rant.

    4.) I think it depends more on the personalities involved. I certainly didn't feel attached to the moment and am only having the mildest conversations with that person today.

    5) The religious question can only be answered depending on which religion you practice.

    6) Personally, yes I find experience more attractive than innocence, but I have always been the innocent in my relationships.

    -Ganymede Troy

  13. hey thanks for your comment and following my blog! read a few of your posts and will definitely be looking forward to more of your blog.

    so regarding virginity here are my thoughts---i actually think the guy above me has a similar attitude as me and sums up my thoughts pretty well but here's my version anyway. i used to be a straight arrow guy (still am..sorta) and i too was scared/hung up to have sex. then one of my friends from high school told me this, which kind of opened things up for me..she said once you lose your virginity, you never look back. basically she meant just do it, enjoy, and don't put the pussy on a pedestal, to borrow the phrase from 40-year-old virgin. this came from a girl i totally did not know or expect to be sexually adventurous, but it gave me a different outlook, as i too felt that my first time needed to be super super special and meaningful with someone whom i needed to be sure i loved and all that.

    as it turns out my first time was none of those things, BUT it felt right at the time, which is the most important thing. you may feel anxious and hung up about being a virgin now, but if the right situation comes up, then instinct will take over and it will happen and that will be that. yes, at first there is the "oh shit, this is really happening" thought that goes through your mind, but if you're really ready you will go through with it and that will be that. as my friend predicted, once i started having sex the floodgates opened so to speak. i was curious to experience more and hey, it does feel good. at least for me, i discovered sex didn't have to be this special, most sacred thing, but more could exist on this spectrum of being anything to casual fun to the sacred meaningful act that we as society envision it to be.

    definitely i was surprised to discover that i actually had a pretty cavalier attitude towards sex, and the continuing evolution of my feelings towards sex as i gained more experience. and i think that's the crux of it..once i got over my fear of being a virgin and just did it, i was freed of my own personal barrier and could truly explore my sexuality and figure out what sex/relationship/love all of that meant to me...something i'm still doing now!

    so that's my take. what does this mean for you? i don't think there's anything wrong with being a virgin, and definitely don't be ashamed of it even if you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s or however long it takes. (ok maybe be ashamed in your 40s lol...)

    but never be afraid of sex. if the situation arises where it might happen, embrace it and enjoy it.

    then afterwards you can start to further develop your own personal attitude towards sex. for me, i discovered that it wasn't as huge a deal as i thought it would be. for you, you might decide that it is in fact something very special you only want to have with someone you really love, and that's cool too. i really do think sex is something that is very fluid and natural, so when that situation comes with the right guy, you will know whether you're ready or not--IN that moment. so don't be too hung up about it until then...just "don't put the pussy on a pedestal".. the proverbial pussy anyway lol.

  14. oh yea and i should mention you are a pretty darn cute guy so whoever that guy is in the future should consider himself lucky :P

  15. I'm over a week late on this, but here it goes:

    1. It's just a difference in values. That's really all there is to it. If you don't put much emotional stock in sex, and you're willing to take the risks, there's really not much stopping you from having it with anyone.

    2. That's your call. Continuing from the first response, it depends on how much stock into sex. Personally, I like the idea of saving something till marriage, but I choose saying "I love you" instead of sex because that way, I don't have to worry about ED, decline in sex drive, or some other biological factor playing a role in how often I make my ultimate expression of love to him.

    3. All I thought was, 'Huh. I guess I'm not a virgin anymore.' It wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as others said it would be.

    4. Even though we've broken up, my first and I are still very close, but not in a clingy way. I no longer have any romantic feelings towards him, and he is incredibly happy with his boyfriend (who I'm also good friends with). I'm not saying this will happen to you. I know other people who've had a lot of drama. I'm jut saying that it doesn't always happen.

    5. I'm not particularly religious, so this doesn't really apply to me.

    6. I wouldn't say the two are mutually exclusive. Experience has more to do with what you've done/been through. Innocence is more of a state of mind. A person could be inexperienced, but have a very dirty mind.

  16. It's fun and insightful reading the comments posted here.

    My 2 cents for Question number 3. Once you pop you can't stop(Pringles). Once tasted Always wanted(Bakery). Once a Slasher always a Slasher(from Samurai X).

    that and what the other guys said =)

  17. Hey, That's a great blog you have there and I have been following for about five ore six months and well written. I think its honorable that you wait until marriage (or long range relationship.)And you have loving and understanding family is great!. Look; be yourself! You're coming Christian perspective. Also don't beat up on yourself If you have sex before marriage pray for the Lord's forgiveness and move on.

    Most men look at sex as a notch in belt when in reality the belt may have few notches because they brag to friends on being a stud.

    When and if you decide to be sexually active protect yourself with condoms. Know you and your potential partners HIV status before having sex. Get tested!

    Know your limits as well as his. Decide how close to each other before smothering him.

    Have fun!

    Here are a couple site That may help:;Gay Christian Network which have forums, resources for every day living.
    Gay Christian Fellowship is similar but smaller: Hope that helps!

  18. I really enjoyed reading this for a few reasons. One is because I have so many of the same questions. Another is because I'm a straight girl and lastly; being someone who has been sexually assaulted before the comments have helped me understand my insecurities a little better.
    -Thanks for all the help random people!

  19. OMG. You guys are freaking awesome. Like seriously, I never expected to recieve all these comments! Thank you everyone!

    I now know that loosing my virginity in some fairytale way is beyond unrealistic. I am going to wait for the right guy to enter my life and let the rest play its course. I love all your guys' posts and the life advice you guys help me through.

  20. I think you should go with your how you feel, not what society says to do. If you want to experiment then do so, but don't feel pressure to do so. I was 36 when I lost my virginity with a guy, but before that I wasn't ready. I was active with girls before that but, everyone has their own timing. Timing I think is very important when its guy sex b/c of our society.

    Perfect scenario is 2 inexperienced committed lovers (straight/or gay ) experiencing what they like together. Communicate to eachother what feels good and what you like. I don't understand comments like, look for experienced sex partners they know what to do. What's wrong with telling your partner what you like ?
    If you are only into one night stands then go the route of experienced parters. It's fun, but what the best is if two people doing stuff together for the first time. You can learn from eachother. There is Nothing hotter than having sex w/ someone you love and loves you back.

  21. 26-year old virgin here. I don't really seem to have as high of a sex drive as it seems most guys do, so I think that's partially why I haven't been so motivated to have sex. I also can hardly fathom why people have sex with random people. The idea of a one-night stand is so bizarre to me, but I think that's just because of my values, sex drive, etc. I've eased up a little, though. Before I would've wanted my first kiss to be meaningful, with someone I really cared about. Instead it was with a girl in a bar when we were both drunk (she initiated and it was awkward, haha).

  22. To the person above (and also you I guess): why does sex before marriage have to be with a "random?" You can have sex with someone you know and like, relationship or not, without it being random.

  23. Okay so the ides of saving yourself is misguided... i think you have to test drive the vehicle before you buy it.. mostly because if you want a good marriage sex has to be a part of that. I have done the Random sex thing, and its fun actually, I made my sexual debut with a random person and I learnt a lot about myself.

    Firstly that I like sex, there is NOTHING to be afraid of, of course a good person to make that debut with is also good for that. But as long as you are turn on and excited for whats about to happen... I say go for it!!! you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Especially if its with your bf. Sex gives a level of intimacy to a relationship and a sense of trust that is not always achieved outside of the bedroom.
    For the being afraid part, first that won't end because you've married, second, I felt empowered after I had sex! I am women hear me roar and all that jazz... I felt like I had finally expressed a part of me that felt suppressed...

    To me sexually is a big part of my life. I enjoy sex, I enjoy having sex with my boyfriend.. but I feel like the longer you wait... the worst it will get....and as far as the fairytale, it doesn't happen... but you can have an amazing experience!! I have nothing but found feelings for the men I have F*cked and left behind.... Sexual repression is something our society does to much of... Sex is good and healthy.... Please masturbate and treat yourself to some good stress relief... Orgasm are worth it!!!