Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Mental Pain of Being in the Closet

My mind is my worst enemy. I am in a constant fight for control. Usually it defeats me. This post is going to be very hard to explain, let alone write down in words, because it is so personal...but I will do my best.
Being gay has changed the way I think, more so then just liking guys instead of girls. I am currently struggling so much with loving and embracing myself. Going from hating yourself for over four years, to loving yourself, doesn't happen overnight. I thought there was no future and happiness for me, because I was so mentally convinced I was going to hell when I passed away. Being gay wasn't just a sexual orientation to me, it was a mental disease.

I would pray to whatever was out there, that if it couldn't make me straight, that it would at least kill me in my sleep. During the day I was a zombie. I would wake up and go through the motions of a day. I absolutely would have taken death over life.

Being gay has also made me a very jealous person. Even against the people that love me the most. I was jealous of my sister's outgoing and vibrant personality and my brothers excellent athletic ability. I felt like the child that wasn't supposed to be born. The black sheep of the family. The mistake, when my family was only supposed to consist of four people. I was so ashamed of myself.

My jealousy also attacked my friends as well. I was so miserable, that it made me happy if my friends(or anyone) failed at something. I would pretend to be apathetic towards them, but for some awful and twisted reason, I was relieved on the inside. I thought my jealousy was turning me into an evil person. I thought there was no escape from myself.

Being gay has also morphed my mind into this machine that thinks everyone is talking, looking and thinking about me. As if everyone knew I was gay. I didn't want to go to parties or hang out with certain people, unless they were close friends I felt 100% comfortable around. Ultimately, I began limiting myself. I'm always, especially in high school, thinking thoughts like "what if they think I'm a fag" "what if they hate me b/c they think I'm gay".
In college I struggle as well. In the very beginning of Summer semester last year, things started out rough. I didn't have a safety net to run to, like I had in the past. I was all alone for the first time in my life. A couple people I knew from high school were attending my college, but I never took initiative to hang out with them. My random roommate and I got along for the most part, but we didn't have similar interests. He surfed, skateboarded, played video games and watched Scrubs and That 70's Show all day, everyday. Two days after my start at college, I remember getting into the shower one night after a really, really shitty day and breaking down. I sat in the shower and just cried, for what seemed like the whole night. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was me hating the fact I was gay. Maybe it was because I didn't have my family for once. Maybe it was because my friends were gone. Maybe it was from all three. Miraculously, it seemed like the next day I began making all kinds of new friends.

Some of you reading this (who are also gay) might think I'm crazy for thinking all these things and being gay isn't THAT BAD, but it was for me. By 19, I knew in my heart that if I didn't start talking and telling people, I would eventually kill myself. Telling my brother this Summer quite possibly saved my life. If I never told him and remained closeted, my mind would have finished eating the last bit of hope that remained, and I honestly do not think I would have lived past 25.

Now that I have come out to my siblings, my life has changed more then it ever has. It's almost like a new person has stepped into my body. I finally realized this past year, there is a God who loves me, my jealousy issues are fading drastically and now I want to live. It feels incredible. I love this feeling so much and I've only told two people. This positive momentum makes me want to come out to friends ASAP.

This Summer was the most life altering three months I have ever experienced. It's like God finally jumpstarted my mind. I was meant to have this life. I was meant to go through that mental pain. I was meant to endure this life and come out standing. God has done this for a reason and I'm going to take his hand and see where he takes me next.


  1. good shit bro!! good luck when you tell your friends! they wont care since your such a cool dude! im here for you bro!

  2. glad that you shared your story with us. Most of us have had similar feelings at some point, so as hard as it is to imagine, you're never alone!

    Great to hear that you've turned the corner.

  3. as far as i've read from other coming out stories, ppl generally give quite positive reactions to gay ppl coming out. ppl as in their friends and family. and to be honest if ur a likeable person i dont think it would matter if ur gay. if ur a bitter, attention-hungry drama queen, THEN u've got issues lol.
    the only ppl who wud care r usually ignorant, closed-minded, conservative ppl whom u shud pay no mind to.
    btw i like the pix u post up on ur blog... where'd u get em?

  4. Socrkid17-Thank you dude. Im sort of nervous but actually more excited to tell them. I want to start living a stressfree life and the only way I can make that happen is by coming out. Its good to know your only an email away :)

    Taylor-Wow. That is really comforting to know that people have the same messed up issues I have. I feel alone in the real world but the blog world helps my mind open up and relieze there are guys going through what I am. Its really cool to know that.

    Joey-Most of the blogs I have read as well consist of positive coming out stories. I know my parents would still love me but I am not ready for that yet. My friends will be shocked but supportive for sure. For the most part I guess I could say Im a likeable guy and If there are people who dont accecpt me, then Ill ignore them like you said.
    Thanks Im glad you like the pictures! I just go into either Google/Bing images and look up words that correspond to my blogs and insert them.

  5. AGD: Great new blog, you just started it and I'm already hooked. It seems we gays all go thru the terror of coming out and many times our fears are not realized. But I understand why you want to go slow. Your parents can be your best champions if you let them. Plus as you come out, you'll find and connect with more people like yourself so you don't feel so isolated and alone. The internet has made connecting so much easier. It's great that your siblings are so supportive of you. My brothers know I'm gay but they hardly discuss it with me, so count yourself lucky.

  6. AGD: The Closet Professor aka Joe Blow is running a series on coming out and support resources, especially from the perspective of college kids. His blog can be found at:

    Check it out.

  7. Wow. I just happened across your blog from another one with somewhat similar discussions, and the stage your at is the exact same as the one I'm at in my journey.

    I'm starting my senior year in college in few weeks, and for the past few years I've been eaten alive by the amount of lies that I've told to mask my gayness. In terms of sleepless nights, enourmous stress, and just feeling flat in the way you did, I did.

    I spent the last semester studying in another country with a group of kids from a ton of different american colleges and I'd decided before going that I was going to come out and be open during the semester and have fun. Except I didn't. A guy from my school that I kind of know (and my school is really tiny) was on the trip so I stayed closeted. Until I told one of my friends on the program - which had to be the most freeing experience ever. Just knowing that someone else knew and supported me felt amazing.

    This summer I've been thinking about it alot, and there's no reason to lie anymore. I deserve to be happy. So like you, in the fall I'll start telling my closest friends about who I really am.

    Sorry if this is really long, but going through some of your backpost, I noticed that everything you said matched so much of how I feel. Particularly this post - since I feel like I'm in the same place as you. It's just good to know that there is someone out there who has the exact same feelings that I do.

  8. fan of casey: Thanks man, glad you like my blog! To be honest I came into the blog world thinking that no one would ever read my life but you guys proved me wrong. I want to tell my parents so bad but I just do not know when I can mentally be ready to do that. My parents are both really cool with gay people and actually go to San Fran every year. I know they would accept me but its just hard, especially when I tell my dad. Yeah I guess I have become narrow minded after being arouund only straight people all the time, that I loose concept that I am not the only one out there going through what I am. Thats so tight how your bro's know and it hasent changed your relationship. I have told 5 people so far and sometimes I forget they know because its never brought up.

    I just went to The Closest Professor's profile and Im enjoying what I see so far. Hes like a mentor, which is exactly what I need at the moment. Thank you for telling me about him!

    James: Wow. Thats great to hear that man. Im glad you are also taking the 1st and hardest, step to becoming happy! Im finally starting to realize that I am not alone. Its comforting to know that you also experience the same mental pain and we are in this together man.
    "Sometimes you have to go through the pain to experience the joy"
    Take care James

  9. wow. this post clears up a lot for me. im 19 and for the past five years i've been depressed and hated life. all the feelings you wrote about i felt. jealousy of close friends and their happiness. the paranoia that everyone is saying something about me like that im gay. you sound just like me.

    but im still at the cross roads of deciding who i am. im not sure if im gay, bi, or what. did you ever have girlfriends before you knew you were gay?

    i've talked to my parents about this. i kind of broke down several times told them i didn't know and i was confused it always made me feel better but i always regress back to the same emotional state. i never actually told them flat out i was gay, because i dont know and would rather not be.

    i am just really lost, scared, and confused. my confidence and my back bone are just zero right now. im sitting here and it's like i just can't find the words to type. i need words of advice from someone who has accepted they are gay and know for sure. sometimes i tell myself just to accept it but it always goes away thinking that i was just a phase. well im losing train of thought. i would like to know all about your long discovery.

  10. hey if you ever want to chat by means of email

    my email is :

    i know how it feels, not to be able to tell anyone, i have a mother that refers to me, as one of them, and a few cousins, although i have never told her that i am gay ! as she just cannot accept this, i have just kept this to myself, as when i have tried to tell her, she just refers to gay people as one of them and thats it, and always goes on about me getting a girlfriend, and so on, even watching a tv prog once, it was about penyless students, she was about's to go to bed, when i said i wanted to watch this, then she stayed up because i wanted to watch this programe, not to her likeing i mean you had a tv show offering a 20yo lad a 1000 pounds if he went up to complete strangers and asked to kiss for approx 2mins, (all men) that was approx 10 guys, then walk through a shopping mall wearing a bright pink thong, not the usual thing a 20yo lad would do, i mean i could go on but all she could do was bitch on about how this program was not to her likeing, despite me telling her to fuck off to bed, when all i could think of was ripping the bright pink thong off, this lad in the shopping mall and haveing my wicked way, i mean i found the prog funny as fuck. but thats the old victorian attitude for you, and some people will never change.

    but i am always here, if you or anyone else wants to email me and share a problem


  11. I know I'm a little behind on the times, but I just wanted to thanks for sharing this because, I know at least for myself, I've felt/feel the same way.

    I too feel jealous of people, mainly because they're accepted for being themselves and acting natural, whereas I have to lie about myself to even come close to achieving that.

    I definitely feel the paranoia too, and it bothers me that I have to censor what I say or do out of fear of being outed or judged. I wish I could overcome that fear and just be myself so all the worries and doubts in my head would disappear.

    So reading this post and hearing that you've experienced the same things and were able to overcome them by coming out is really comforting. It's inspired me to get my thoughts down and analyze what's going there, and maybe even tell someone just so I don't have to lie anymore.

    So for that, thanks! Looking forward to seeing where your journey takes you next.

  12. Wow!

    You know what, I have an older brother who's athletic and outgoing, a beautiful older sister, ...

    And I once also thought that my birth was an accident. I was the third child, and the age difference between me and Sis was exactly 10.5 months.

    She conceived me 1.5 months after giving birth. Probably unplanned.

  13. AGD: thanks for sharing this story with us. I'm sure there are many of us that can relate to some or all of your experiences. In my case, the feeling of "day paranoia" as you call it. I thought everyone that looked at me could see "fag" written across my face. Not only did it push me deeper in the closet sexually but I also became painfully shy in all other aspects of my life. I also realized that I was an angry person all the time. When I was 48, I had an opportunity to finally accept who I am and I came out of the closet. Slowly at first (ex-wife, parents, kids) and then faster with friends, etc. Before long I was "outing myslef" to one person per week on average. I am completely out now. I have a great BF and happier than I've ever been. I have not had one bad "outing" yet. No one gives a damn now adays. The exhiliration and liberating feeling of being true to myself is the most awesome feeling. I assure you, for me anyway, living outside the closet is far, far easier than living in the closet! All the best!

  14. i understand case is the same with you

  15. Hey, I'm kind of glad you said this. I know how it feels,except instead of being gay I'm 'emo' and a 'cutter'. I do truly want to die, and probably would have killed myself a couple weeks ago, if not for my friends. Even my story is totally different,I dont feel so alone now, as strange as it sounds.