My mind is my worst enemy. I am in a constant fight for control. Usually it defeats me. This post is going to be very hard to explain, let alone write down in words, because it is so personal...but I will do my best.
Being gay has changed the way I think, more so then just liking guys instead of girls. I am currently struggling so much with loving and embracing myself. Going from hating yourself for over four years, to loving yourself, doesn't happen overnight. I thought there was no future and happiness for me, because I was so mentally convinced I was going to hell when I passed away. Being gay wasn't just a sexual orientation to me, it was a mental disease.
I would pray to whatever was out there, that if it couldn't make me straight, that it would at least kill me in my sleep. During the day I was a zombie. I would wake up and go through the motions of a day. I absolutely would have taken death over life.
Being gay has also made me a very jealous person. Even against the people that love me the most. I was jealous of my sister's outgoing and vibrant personality and my brothers excellent athletic ability. I felt like the child that wasn't supposed to be born. The black sheep of the family. The mistake, when my family was only supposed to consist of four people. I was so ashamed of myself.
My jealousy also attacked my friends as well. I was so miserable, that it made me happy if my friends(or anyone) failed at something. I would pretend to be apathetic towards them, but for some awful and twisted reason, I was relieved on the inside. I thought my jealousy was turning me into an evil person. I thought there was no escape from myself.
Being gay has also morphed my mind into this machine that thinks everyone is talking, looking and thinking about me. As if everyone knew I was gay. I didn't want to go to parties or hang out with certain people, unless they were close friends I felt 100% comfortable around. Ultimately, I began limiting myself. I'm always, especially in high school, thinking thoughts like "what if they think I'm a fag" "what if they hate me b/c they think I'm gay".
In college I struggle as well. In the very beginning of Summer semester last year, things started out rough. I didn't have a safety net to run to, like I had in the past. I was all alone for the first time in my life. A couple people I knew from high school were attending my college, but I never took initiative to hang out with them. My random roommate and I got along for the most part, but we didn't have similar interests. He surfed, skateboarded, played video games and watched Scrubs and That 70's Show all day, everyday. Two days after my start at college, I remember getting into the shower one night after a really, really shitty day and breaking down. I sat in the shower and just cried, for what seemed like the whole night. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was me hating the fact I was gay. Maybe it was because I didn't have my family for once. Maybe it was because my friends were gone. Maybe it was from all three. Miraculously, it seemed like the next day I began making all kinds of new friends.
Some of you reading this (who are also gay) might think I'm crazy for thinking all these things and being gay isn't THAT BAD, but it was for me. By 19, I knew in my heart that if I didn't start talking and telling people, I would eventually kill myself. Telling my brother this Summer quite possibly saved my life. If I never told him and remained closeted, my mind would have finished eating the last bit of hope that remained, and I honestly do not think I would have lived past 25.
Now that I have come out to my siblings, my life has changed more then it ever has. It's almost like a new person has stepped into my body. I finally realized this past year, there is a God who loves me, my jealousy issues are fading drastically and now I want to live. It feels incredible. I love this feeling so much and I've only told two people. This positive momentum makes me want to come out to friends ASAP.
This Summer was the most life altering three months I have ever experienced. It's like God finally jumpstarted my mind. I was meant to have this life. I was meant to go through that mental pain. I was meant to endure this life and come out standing. God has done this for a reason and I'm going to take his hand and see where he takes me next.