Sunday, August 29, 2010

Gay Obstacles

I am at the point in my life where I know I am not going to wake up one morning and miraculously be straight. I am going to be gay for the rest of my life. This is going to be the hardest obstacle I live with and hopefully one day flourish with. I want to 'like' being gay so bad, but let’s be honest, I would take a straight pill if they ever came out with one.

Until about four months ago, I considered myself bisexual. I wasn’t necessarily lying to myself, rather; I liked the word better. I still have emotional feelings for females, but the sexual feelings fall flat. Now that I know my sexuality, thinking of the future…5, 10, even 15 years from now really frightens me.

I'm going to have to approach things (that straight people wouldn't have to think twice about) in a different way. Dating, sex, PDA, proposing, introducing my significant other to relatives, marriage, etc. I guess gay guys just have to keep things more low key when out in public. Before dating, who makes the first move? Who tops and who bottoms? How much public affection can you show? Can LGBT couples even hold hands in public places and feel safe doing so? What about when the relationship becomes serious and it's time to introduce your spouse to your relatives and you're not even sure where they stand on the matter?

Lastly, what about marriage? First and foremost, I can't even get married if I wanted to in my state. The last thing a straight couple has to think about as they plan for their wedding is “Ok honey, which state do we need to go to in order to legally get married?” That thought doesn’t even cross their minds. I don't have any intentions on getting married until at least 2022 (when I'm 30), so hopefully times will be much more progressive than.

One positive thing that more homosexual people don't have to worry about, that more heterosexual people do, is a biological clock and having kids by a certain age. If a gay/lesbian couple wants kids, they can just adopt.

13 comments:

  1. While it's a common fear to worry about what others think, you should not let that fear control your actions -- it's your life, your hopes, your dreams. People who love you, I mean truly love you, not just giving it lip service, will find a way to tolerate, then accept and finally support you. You've taken some big steps by coming out and accepting yourself - let your life be an example that you are just as worthy, just as valuable a person even though you are gay.

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  2. its gonna take time. your at least ahead of the game by being out to some people :)

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  3. hey dude, I know where you're coming from because you sound kinda like me a year ago. I thought I would never go to a pride parade or do any of that kinda stuff, but it turns out I went and actually had lots of fun. We were with a few gay and straight people, all very different and unique in their own ways. Some more flamboyant and some not at all. Trust me when I say that there are more people like you than you think.

    You're right in saying that it might reinforce some stereotypes, but it's kinda cool to be in an environment where you know that you're accepted for who you are. It was awesome to see so many pride flags and see guys walking down the street hand-in-hand, and no one cared.

    My neighbors in a middle-class suburb are a 45 year old lesbian couple, we all knew they were gay and it was just something different that was unusual to some people, but they were always accepted.

    Check out this video:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rGBqLhUrSsE

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  4. There are MANY cool, "normal" bi and gay guys who blog. Do you think that they're the only ones in the world who are that way? They're not. You go to a big school - tons of people, lots of gays and bisexuals. Some flamboyant, some who you'd NEVER guess were gay. Find the guys who are like you.

    You are unhappy because you don't have a good enough support system. Supportive straight friends are awesome but you need supportive gay and bi friends too; guys like you.

    Somewhere on campus there is a LGBTQ organization. Go to their web page and start to find out what meetings they have that might be right for you. [There's a big open house TONIGHT for all the LGBTQ-friendly orgs on campus. You MUST go. Bring A or B with you.] Afraid to go because they might be too fem? You're making an assumption that could be true or could be completely wrong. The ONLY way to know the truth is to check it out.

    Also. College should be one of the very best times of your life. If you do not feel comfortable in your frat, leave. Seriously, life is too short, college is too short. There are other frats, other organizations, other ways to meet cool, NICE people who like you for who you are. Why be uncomfortable and pay to hang around a bunch of assholes?

    I think you're at a low point right now. The minute you decide you've had enough of the bad shit and start to take some proactive steps to change things, you're going to look back at this period and think, "What was I thinking??? I should have taken action a lot sooner than I did. I would have been a lot happier, much sooner."

    PS - It looks like you have some mad drawing talent. I hope you are taking some classes to expand that natural talent. Have you tried doing any computer animation yet?

    Bottom line: you are going to have an awesome, happy, fulfilling life. But it's not going to be handed to you, you have to make it happen.

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  5. I happen to know a gay couple that have been together for 44 years and they just moved out of their very normal neighborhood of 27 years to be closer to one of their city jobs. So yes it is possible.

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  6. Have you ever considered going to therapy?
    I mean I get all the fear you say you have trust me I'm a gay guy living Mexico, but... sometimes you just have to live your life and not thinking so much about what other people might say... besides is exhausting to do so.

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  7. Dude your post is outlining my life exactly. I think TwoLives explained it best. And as someone else said..you are already ahead of the game because you're out to some people.

    I haven't even made the first step of admitting to anyone that I'm bi and possibly gay. It's a hard first step, and not everyone can say they've made it.

    Keep your head up man. And can you email me when you get a minute.

    vansrlame@yahoo.com

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  8. I lived in Orlando, accoss from Bay Hill Country Club, for 22 years. The two guys accross the street were gay, no one ever bothered them, they were friendly. They never brought attention to themselves. They had their parties and made their own noises. I wished that I could go over and introduce myself, but being married and bi or gay, that never would happen. Was back to that same area after 10 years, a couple months ago and they still are living there.
    So I don't see that there is a problem for your future. Just don't go into a low class red neck area, and you may be sorry. I have been there, done that.
    Joe
    joe

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  9. pride parades are awesome man! u shud see one lol i, still coming off as straight, go go with my more liberal friends (including the straight dudes) n just have a blast. my friends n i r naturally obnoxious neways n we're always up for a party. n wut better party than that of the pride parades right? n not to mention flamers n drag queens r always entertaining as hell.

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  10. fan of casey: Unfortunately, that is the biggest fear I have. I am so used to trying to make people happy and putting them before myself. Being liked is one of the biggest thing I yearn for in people. I know I deserve to be happy and once I can destroy this wall I have created, there will be no stopping me

    Socrkid17: Haha i love your simple replys. There short yet to the point. I am definitly blessed to have been able to come out to the few people I did tell because they are my life line to turn to when I hit a low point.

    Taylor: Huh, maybe I will go to a parade one day but im not ready for that. Its good to know there are more "masculine" gay guys out there. Gay couples in regular neighborhoods do exist after all. Ahhh this excites me! :) Thats awesome how the neighbors accpeted them as well

    Twolives: Wow that was an incredibly, thought out comment. Preciate that dude. I know there are more guys who are like me but HOW do I find them?? I would love to but its almost close to impossible to spot them out. You are absolutely right, I am at a low point. Slowly climbing back up. Thank you for the drawing compliment :) I guess it just comes natural to me and I always draw when I am under stress or sick, but often time throw the pictures out when I finish them. I will be taking a drawing class next semester and I am really interested in graphic design, sounds like a major that would be up my alley. But thanks man, I know my happiness wont be handed to me and Im finally starting to seek it out after 5 years of misery.

    Scott: Yes, yes, yes! I honestly didnt think gay couples lived in normal neighborhoods but hearing that is very uplifting.

    Eduardo: Its funny you say that, because yes I am going to seek therapy. I am calling the campus counseling center tommorow as a matter of fact. I am really nervous since I will be telling a random person my deepest secret and emotions but it will benefit me in the end :)

    Allen: Yeah dude, its so hard to take that first step. I dont know if you have read all my posts but I talked about my coming out experiences and I was extremely nervous to say the least. Im glad you can relate to the issues I am facing,hopefully we can grow off each other!

    RADICALJOE: Another gay couple, heck yeah! Thats really cool how the neighborhood was cool with them, and why shouldnt they? I know my future will be filled with happiness, its just getting through this stage of coming out/accepting myself and moving forward. I am beginning that journey and want to be filled with joy and happiness like I was when I was a little kid.

    Joey: Saved the best for last :) I might go to one some day. I think after I accept and start loving myself I would beable to enjoy myself at a gay parade and have fun. Drag queens scare the shit out of me lol

    Wow I cant thank all you guys enough for giving me such deep, meaningful feedback! I love knowing that you guys are here for me. Thanks a million!

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  11. you think too much :)
    just take a small step: accept yourself. then take another step, come out to some friends. another step, make a group of gay friends, you will find you are comfortable and you will enjoy their company. You are not comfortable? keep trying... if you are a good guy, then inevitably you will end up with a group of loyal, good friends. you will not realise at the moment, but at the end you will find yourself in a comfortable position, with a nice group of friends, with self confidence.. and all that you are worrying about... will be just water over the bridge... best advice: do not try to fix your life everything at the same time. take small steps... and enjoy the ride. take care.

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  12. What Xavi said. It gets easier and easier, until one day you think "why was I so worried? being a Gay man is AWESOME!!!!"

    ;)
    /b/fag

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  13. I know I'm late to the game for this post, but I've just started reading your blog from the start point so I could catch up. Yes, Virginia, there are real, live gay couples in middle/upper income neighborhoods. My partner/husband/spouse (whatever title you want to give him) and I have lived in the same metro Atlanta neighborhood during 14 of our 16 years together. We are friends with our neighbors; we are on the Homeowners' Assoc. Board; we keep an eye out for the latch-key kids; we watch out for our neighbors when they are out of town, and they return the favor; we attend Mass, both at my Catholic parish and his Lutheran parish. People who matter know we are gay, though they have never asked and we have never volunteered our status. To them, we are just like every other neighbor: hard-working, tax-paying citizens trying to live out the American dream.

    If these are the goals you have for yourself, then you can achieve them and you can have them; let no one tell you otherwise. No, it was not easy at first to come out; I lost friends and I lost familial relationships. But like you and your siblings I also had relationships that grew stronger. Keep your head held high and though the phrase tends toward the cliché, it does get better.

    Take care and God bless.

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