Sunday, August 15, 2010


Saturday night was extremely eventful to say the least! It was around 11 PM and my parents had hit the hay for the night. My brother, sister and I were in the TV room watching The Dark Knight on HBO. I knew tonight was the night I had to tell my sister. My brother and I were sort of eyeing each other from across the room, as he anxiously waited for me to begin.

All I could think about was the nervousness I felt the first time I came out. The butterflies started spinning in my stomach as I sat in the exact chair, prior to coming out to my brother. I knew at that very moment it was time...

I stood up, looked at my sister, gave a nod to my bro and said "I need to tell you something outside on the back porch". 'Just tell me here' she replied. I rolled my eyes and pressed forward, telling her I needed to say it outside in private. This sort of made things awkward. She glanced over and my brother was already sitting on the porch with a drink. She was suspicious and reluctantly got up and walked out with me. I sat down and threw the same question at her as I did my brother. It went something like this 'Has there ever been something you wanted to know about me?' She said no.

I said 'well, I like guys'. She stared at me for a good five seconds, then over at my brother and blurted out "are you guys playing some sort of joke on me!?" I couldn't help but smile. I started explaining, with the help of my brother. I told her everything. From the time I realized my attraction to guys, to my confidence and trust issues because of it. I began telling her about the horrible depression I went through and she started crying. Her crying made me start crying.

She was really supportive. The three of us talked for about two hours. My brother and sister were asking me questions and giving me their perspectives about things.

I'm still trying to comprehend that my siblings know my secret. It is such an accomplishment! I can breathe. It is the biggest feat that I've ever been able to tackle in my life. I told my sister how much I hate being different, but she told me that being different isn't all that bad. Everyone has their own issues and struggles, which I had never realized before, being so lost in my own issues. I was so focused internalizing my own fears, that I hadn't really noticed that other people have problems as well.

This summer has been the biggest transformation. I feel like I'm turning into a new person. My paranoia is less intense, my confidence is growing and I'm starting to love and accept myself. I haven't loved myself in a very long time. I've hated myself for so many years. I questioned why my friends were even friends with me and what asset I even contributed to the friendship. My siblings simply said, 'they like you for you'. I'm excited to come out to my friends and show them another part of who I am, I think they'll like it.


  1. congrats dude, good for you. I know how tough it is!!!

  2. I am a much older gay and only recently I have opened up to close friends and some family. Having lived all those years under the stress you have faced took its toll. I am happy you chose to do it now and to relieve the pressure earlier in your life. It has caused me to have 4 way heart bypass 6 years ago. Stress is something you cannot endure. Congratulations on having the strength to make a move.

  3. Thanks guys! It was nerve wrecking but having the courage to tell her felt great.
    Drew-After making this blog I read other people's blogs who were in the same boat as me but older, like yourself. It was a rude awakening and I thought to myself "Do I really want to live like them and keep this bottled up??" Its scary to think I could be living unhappy for years like they have had to endure. Thats awful that you had medical issues based on something you can't even control. I hope your back in good health man! Im at the point in my life now where I would much rather live with people knowing the real me then the horrific stress and mental agony. I plan on telling two of my closest friends when I go back to college next week :)

  4. congrats man! awesome reading your posts! I'm proud of u man. I hope u have a good rest of your summer.

  5. I've just started reading your blog, but this post was awesome! It really sounds like your sister and brother love you and appreciate the courage it took to tell them. Congrats, that's a huge step in the right direction.

    After reading your blog and SoccerKid17's...I felt compelled to start a blog. I'm in the same shoes as you both. 18, bi, closeted, and totally into sports. I see that blogging has helped you guys overcome difficult situations, and I truly want that same outcome.

    Please, follow my blog and see if you can offer incite to my situation and vice versa.

    I'm just a normal 18 year old kid trying to live a normal life. It's hard - but no one ever said it was easy.

  6. way to go man. like u said, 2 down the world to go. now ur makin me wanna come out to my sis. but she's a loud mouth...

  7. Bi Dude NY (BDNY)- To this day I sometimes wonder where my life would be if I never found and began reading your blog. If I would still be that kid closeted to the world and not enjoying life. I honestly owe half of everything I have done thus far to you.

    Allen-Dude, I am so glad your starting up a blog. We are probally going through the same exact struggles, along with several other people out there. It absolutely sucks man but keep your head held high and smile when it hurts most. I will no doubt be following your blog and postin comments for words of encouragement.

    Joey-Thanks bro! Haha if you feel ready, you should go for it and tell her! I think of my sister as the "loud mouth" type as well but she knows how deep this situation is for me and would never tell another person. Its all about trust!