Saturday night was extremely eventful to say the least! It was around 11 PM and my parents had hit the hay for the night. My brother, sister and I were in the TV room watching The Dark Knight on HBO. I knew tonight was the night I had to tell my sister. My brother and I were sort of eyeing each other from across the room, as he anxiously waited for me to begin.
All I could think about was the nervousness I felt the first time I came out. The butterflies started spinning in my stomach as I sat in the exact chair, prior to coming out to my brother. I knew at that very moment it was time...
I stood up, looked at my sister, gave a nod to my bro and said "I need to tell you something outside on the back porch". 'Just tell me here' she replied. I rolled my eyes and pressed forward, telling her I needed to say it outside in private. This sort of made things awkward. She glanced over and my brother was already sitting on the porch with a drink. She was suspicious and reluctantly got up and walked out with me. I sat down and threw the same question at her as I did my brother. It went something like this 'Has there ever been something you wanted to know about me?' She said no.
I said 'well, I like guys'. She stared at me for a good five seconds, then over at my brother and blurted out "are you guys playing some sort of joke on me!?" I couldn't help but smile. I started explaining, with the help of my brother. I told her everything. From the time I realized my attraction to guys, to my confidence and trust issues because of it. I began telling her about the horrible depression I went through and she started crying. Her crying made me start crying.
She was really supportive. The three of us talked for about two hours. My brother and sister were asking me questions and giving me their perspectives about things.
I'm still trying to comprehend that my siblings know my secret. It is such an accomplishment! I can breathe. It is the biggest feat that I've ever been able to tackle in my life. I told my sister how much I hate being different, but she told me that being different isn't all that bad. Everyone has their own issues and struggles, which I had never realized before, being so lost in my own issues. I was so focused internalizing my own fears, that I hadn't really noticed that other people have problems as well.
This summer has been the biggest transformation. I feel like I'm turning into a new person. My paranoia is less intense, my confidence is growing and I'm starting to love and accept myself. I haven't loved myself in a very long time. I've hated myself for so many years. I questioned why my friends were even friends with me and what asset I even contributed to the friendship. My siblings simply said, 'they like you for you'. I'm excited to come out to my friends and show them another part of who I am, I think they'll like it.