Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Feeling Trapped

"We're imperfect people trapped in an imperfect world until we get to that place beyond."

When I was thirteen or fourteen years old, my world began spinning around me. It was as if my sexuality prior to this time period was kept in a box and out of nowhere, that box had been ripped open for the first time by a child on Christmas morning. As I noticed my attraction to other men, I promised myself I was just going through a phase. I reassured myself that it was just my hormones playing tricks on me and before I knew it, I was going to be into girls.


I continued to lie to myself and deny every gay related emotion that came to mind. This marked the birth of the mental issues that began overtaking my mind. The act of sequestering your emotions is very damaging to a person's psyche.

What would my family think of me? What would my friends think? What would the world think? I suppressed myself so much, to the point that I became an internalized homophobic myself. I avoided guys at my high school who were gay or feminine. I figured if I only associated with straight people, it would give me a much better chance at becoming straight myself.

I tried, I mean really tried to find a girl that I was sexually attracted to. I do have a lot of attractive female friends, but none of them made me feel the way I did when I saw an attractive guy.

This battle that I was playing, to force myself to find just one girl I had sexual feelings for took it's tool on me. I knew I was losing the fight when I started getting more and more random boners in High School when I would see a cute guy and start fantasizing over them and imagining what they looked like under their clothes.

These thoughts scared me, so much so that I felt like I needed to  seclude myself. I avoided parties and events with large numbers of people, so I could feel like I was in control, since I was not in control of my mind.

Than the paranoia kicked in. I was so petrified of someone saying something or outing me, so I avoided as many social functions as I could. This isolation began to deplete my confidence, which led to being ashamed of myself. My self-esteem continued to plummet and I began to become anxious and than depressed. I remember going to bed at night and asking myself why I was different then all my friends. I would pray that if I couldn't be straight, that I wouldn’t wake up at all.

Homework and studying became an outlet for me. It forced my mind to let go of any temporary homosexual thoughts and to focus on the assignment. Doing my homework was a lame way of rewarding myself. Doing homework relaxed my mind, it was my pause button.


  1. AGD: I'm glad you decided to share this story with us even though it brings back difficult memories. It's heartbreaking that you missed out on so much social life during high school isolating yourself but it was your defense mechanism kicking in. It's also sad that you had no one to turn to, not to your parents who probably would have protected you during this confusing time. But despite that, you prevailed -- to emerge stronger and braver. Going thru that also you helped develop that deep empathy you feel for others. You are still learning so much about yourself and with the help of others and the broader horizons of college, your future is looking so much brighter. The happy smile in your photo now reflects your outlook on life. I wish I could be there in person to give you a big hug.

  2. Wow dude, this sounds so familiar, I feel like I constantly have thoughts like this. So know your not alone dude, I know exactly how you feel.

  3. been there. hope you're doing better now

  4. very well written. Been there done that. thanks for sharing.