I'M GOING TO AN LGBT COUNSELING GROUP!

It was all too familiar. I sat in the seat and prepared myself for round two. There were three other people in the waiting room as I felt my heart beating through my chest. I fumbled for my phone in my backpack and text Angel, who ironically also happened to be in a waiting room. I was counting down the seconds until my new counselor Noelle walked into the room, called my name and introduced herself.

We headed into the back and she led me into one of the rooms. We first touched upon my previous counseling experiences with Lauren. Then I gave her a quick overview of myself. Afterwards, she asked me what I think we could do to build my self-confidence up more. I told her I still feel kind of alone, because I don’t have any gay friends to hang out with.

So get this. She told me that she started an LGBT group within the counseling center and invited me to join the next meeting. I have no idea who else is in the group and this is totally out of my comfort zone by a long shot, but I agreed and I'm going! Of course, I'm nervous as hell but life is about taking risks and being courageous. I know it's time for me to start meeting other gay people.

I’ll let you guys know how it goes. Hopefully there’s some hotties in the group! ;)

“College was a huge time for me to grow and try out new things. I mean, I guess I really started to embrace - by that point- being an individual.” -Dominic Monaghan

Storytime: DRUNK COLLEGE PARTY

My friend Rachel threw a birthday party for herself on Friday night. Since she lives on campus, three of her other friends offered to have the party at their apartment. Two of the people who live at the apartment are girls and the third person is an openly gay guy. There were quite a few gay guys there, which was awesome, but none were my type. I didn’t know anyone at this party and didn’t want to be rude and invite other people (which I regret not doing) so I went alone.

Anyways, my roommates were smoking and drinking before going to another party, so I pregammed with them and took two shots of Bacardi and a couple blunt rips.

I got to the apartment and I was definitely feeling good. I open the door and the place was packed but I saw a familiar face. A girl from my Drawing I class from last year who is also in my Drawing II class this semester. I got excited and we naturally started chatting things up. She mistook my friendliness for flirting though. She is a really cool and funny chick, so I was just drawn to talking to her.

All of a sudden her twin sister comes out of nowhere and holds up her phone, “smile guys!”

Thankfully I didn’t have to marinate in the awkwardness for long.

Rachel to the rescue.

She was drunk and wanted to do shots, so I excused myself and went to the kitchen with her. We did birthday shots and then she poured us drinks. My phone started ringing so I grabbed my drink and went outside. I was tipsy at that point and I poured part of my drink over my pants. Only me…So I ran to my car and started patting my crouch with napkins from my glove compartment. I remember blasting Party Rock Anthem in my car, chugging the rest of my drink and calling friends from back home.

After my pants were dry, I went back into the party and saw a bunch of people getting ready to play ring of fire (a drinking game with cards) so I walked out back to participate and the girl followed. We talked for a bit longer, until she went back inside with her twin sister.

Then her roommate puts me on the spot. She asks me in front of everyone, if I like the girl. I said I thought she was a cool girl and that's all.

Then a random kid playing ring of fire interrupts and goes “I don’t mean to sound rude but don’t be a bitch, just say yes or no.

I was drunk. I said I liked her. The girl’s roommate smiled and told me that she'll put in a good word for me. I start panicking and went back inside to find Rachel. I finally find her, grab her and we start walking outside.

As we’re heading towards the front door, the girls roommate grabs me by the wrist and goes “are you two going out there to hook up??!” THAT BITCH IS CRAZY. I told her to relax and that we were going outside to talk about something. Then she goes “oh ok, because the only person you should be hooking up with tonight is my roommate.”

Rachel and I we’re too drunk to actually have a serious conversation and we ended up just laughing over the fact that none of these girls knew I like dick.

Rachel to me I need to just tell the girl I am gay to stop leading her on. Which I totally didn’t mean to do in the first place. I have to deal with this sort of thing at the majority of the parties I go to. We went back inside but the girl, her sister and the roommate had left the party. I felt relieved, but I really enjoyed hanging out with the girl for the night. Things just get weird when you have to drag your sister and roommate into the situation. After that I called it a night and left around 1:30.

I had class with the girl today. Things weren’t awkward but we didn’t talk much. I didn’t have a long enough opportunity to come out to her, but when the chance comes, I will.

100TH POST!!

100 POSTS!?? What a victory!

I am so proud of myself! I have come so far in my journey of self discovery. 13 months ago I blogged for the first time and things have never been the same. Blogging is one of the greatest gifts that I have ever given to myself.

I willingly opened myself up to emotions that I had buried within myself for years. Each victory helped me move forward in becoming who I wanted to become. You guys witnessed some of the lowest lows of my life. If it weren’t for my blog, I would have never met and received the advice and guidance you all gave and still give me.

Coming out of the closet is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Knowing my entire journey is documented is a great feeling! I will always have the opportunity to look back at each milestone and reflect upon the challenges I faced and how I always stayed strong and held onto hope.

I can’t thank you guys enough for all you have done for me. You guys knew exactly what I was feeling and it’s the most comforting thing when I receive reassuring feedback and uplifting comments. Thank you for not making me feel alone on this journey.

To all 122 of my followers, thank you so much.

MUCH LOVE GUYS!

Inspiration for my First Tattoo

For some reason I always do self-reflecting while showering, but this time I was having flashbacks of my grandmother. My Nanny and Pop were always there for me and my siblings growing up. Nanny and Pop we’re the coolest grandparents ever! My Pop could fix anything and spent every waking second outside getting his hands dirty. My Nanny was a bad ass cook and had the most gentle soul! She could cook an Italian dinner like no other. These traditions are some of my favorite memories, like making homemade manicotti and pizzelles as a family for Christmas.

My grandparents would have my brother, sister and I over for sleepovers and then take us to our favorite diner, Mr. Deli’s, for breakfast. They would dance with us in the living room, play cards, (and usually let us win), taught us how to play bocce ball and were always full of life and happiness. Nanny and Pop always emphasized the importance of family and having a good time.

The day before Nanny passed away, my family and I went to visit her in hospice. I remember her room had Christmas decorations that my dad and I put up for her. She was just lying there in the bed and I could barely contain myself from crying. She was frail and lifeless. I knew in my heart that she was on her way to Heaven, sooner than I had wanted though.

Ironically, that same day, I finished a ring I made in my jewelry class. I had it in my backpack and I wanted to give it to Nanny. I took the ring out and I excitedly told her how I made it for her. I saw a faint smile on her face, as she took the ring from me and put it on her finger. She wore it all afternoon as my family members came in and out of her room to say their final goodbyes. I slid the ring off Nanny’s finger once I left that day. The following day she passed away on December 11, 2007. That ring holds more sentimental value to me than any other object I have. It is now hung on a chain on my rear view mirror in my car. I know she's always watching over me.

So after a lot of thinking and reevaluating, I made up my mind. Over Winter Break, I’m getting my first tattoo in commemoration of my Nanny. She has made such a remarkable impact on my life.

“May your guardian angel watch over you”. -Nanny