Sunday, August 29, 2010

Gay Obstacles

I am at the point in my life where I know I am not going to wake up one morning and miraculously be straight. I am going to be gay for the rest of my life. This is going to be the hardest obstacle I live with and hopefully one day flourish with. I want to 'like' being gay so bad, but let’s be honest, I would take a straight pill if they ever came out with one.

Until about four months ago, I considered myself bisexual. I wasn’t necessarily lying to myself, rather; I liked the word better. I still have emotional feelings for females, but the sexual feelings fall flat. Now that I know my sexuality, thinking of the future…5, 10, even 15 years from now really frightens me.

I'm going to have to approach things (that straight people wouldn't have to think twice about) in a different way. Dating, sex, PDA, proposing, introducing my significant other to relatives, marriage, etc. I guess gay guys just have to keep things more low key when out in public. Before dating, who makes the first move? Who tops and who bottoms? How much public affection can you show? Can LGBT couples even hold hands in public places and feel safe doing so? What about when the relationship becomes serious and it's time to introduce your spouse to your relatives and you're not even sure where they stand on the matter?

Lastly, what about marriage? First and foremost, I can't even get married if I wanted to in my state. The last thing a straight couple has to think about as they plan for their wedding is “Ok honey, which state do we need to go to in order to legally get married?” That thought doesn’t even cross their minds. I don't have any intentions on getting married until at least 2022 (when I'm 30), so hopefully times will be much more progressive than.

One positive thing that more homosexual people don't have to worry about, that more heterosexual people do, is a biological clock and having kids by a certain age. If a gay/lesbian couple wants kids, they can just adopt.

Friday, August 27, 2010

I HATE MY FRATERNITY

I'm quitting my Frat because it SUCKS FAT FUCKING COCK. It feels so nice to have come to this glorious realization.
 
So let's get into it:
 
This past week was RUSH for Greek life on campus. For those of you who don't know what that is, every Fraternity on campus sets up booths with their flashy letters and all the bothers wear their matching shirts, Croakies and Sperry's to recruit guys into pledging. I find it ridiculous but I got wrapped up into it myself because so many of my friends were. Each evening, our Fraternity has a RUSH event where the "potentials" are given a time and location and they get the 'privilege' (LOL) to hang out with the brothers. It's all so shallow and superficial.

Last night was 'Interview Night'. All the brothers sit in the Senate Chambers, we dim all the lights and bring the potentials in one-by-one and interview them. It's extremely intimidating and so stupid.


After each interview, the brothers deliberate and vote on each guy, which ultimately decides whether or not he gets a bid to become a pledge. One specific potential was escorted into the room, did his interview and he left. A brother thought he was gay, so he didn't give him a vote and said something along the lines of "he looks like a faggot, he'll probably come out of the closet during his pledge ship." Who the fuck cares if he is and decides to come out? Ugh It's people like him and comments like that which make guys fearful of coming out. I can't stand ignorance like that.
 
Another 'potential' came in who was really funny and making all the brothers laugh, but one of the brothers pointed out that he had a pretty low GPA. The votes on this guy were split right down the middle, so we started stating positive and negatives, to decide whether or not to give him a bid. One of the brothers chimed in with "some of the guys are going to be really cool with crappy grades, while others are going to be more socially awkward with good grades. We can just weed out the guys we don't like while they pledge." The entire process of this made me want to puke.

This created small talk amongst some of the brothers. An older, extremely douchey brother was sitting right behind me and goes "We said that last semester and now some of them are sitting among us." And then under his breath he goes "for instance, the guy in the fourth row, second seat."

I was sitting in the fourth row, second seat. I wanted to walk out at that very moment and never look back, but I didn't have the guts and I sat in my chair teary eyed and pretended like I didn't hear him. He said it loud enough so people definitely heard it. I had been nothing but friendly to this guy, but clearly he didn't like me because I didn't 'fit in' to his liking.

It was in that moment that I decided to quit.

I don't enjoy going to fraternity events anyways and I hate going to chapter with a passion. Don't get me wrong, I really love some of the brothers that I've met and gotten to know, but that's not a good enough reason to pay $950 a year for. I'll just chill with them on my own time. The last check I gave them will be the last check they ever receive from me.

I'm thankful for the experience and I'm proud of myself for pushing out of my comfort zone, but this is clearly not for me. There's 17,000 students at my school, I won't have a problem meeting new people. Especially ones that I want to be around and vice versa.

So fuck you Greek Life, you're a joke.

I QUIT.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Divine Interference

My life is a rollercoaster ride at the moment. College is in full throttle and I'm doing my best to balance academics, studying, Fraternity functions, friends, art, etc.

'Etc.' aka coming out of the closet. It just so happened that I received a helping hand the other day in my coming out process. I finished classes around 4 PM and as I left to meet up with a friend, I walked through the Student Union. To celebrate it's one year anniversary since being built, there were booths, contests, free food, music and clubs/organizations handing out promotional flyers.

I wasn't paying much attention to my surroundings as I walked through the festivities. In the midst of texting my friend back, a person standing beside a booth handed me a broacher. Without even looking up at the individual, I accepted the flyer and continued texting. Once I clicked send and dropped my phone back in my pocket, I looked down at the broacher and halted.

It was like an invisible wall came shooting out of the ground and I walked into it. I couldn't help but just stare at what I was holding with bewilderment.

I was holding onto something that I was considering doing for the last month now. On the front of the broacher, in large bold letters, had the words "Counseling Center" printed across it.

I am making an appointment next week! AHH!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Coming Out to Friends For the First Time

So Saturday morning I finally got to leave home after three months of Summer vaca, before it was time to move in and return back to school to begin my sophomore year in college! I wont lie, I was nervous. Whenever I leave one place and begin life at another, I always get nervous. Dunno why. But anyways, after a four hour drive, my parents and I pulled up at my school. We began unloading the cars and we were welcomed by the stifling heat. Fortunately, we managed to get everything in my dorm room relatively quickly. My parents did some unpacking for me, while I socialized with friends. ha That afternoon, I mentioned to one of my best friends Benton, that I had to tell him something important about someone we knew, but I had to tell him with Angela. He got pissed off and wanted to know that second, but that wasn't happening. I wanted to tell them while they were together, just because the three of us are really close. We're like a trio. At that point, only my brother and sister knew.

Later that afternoon, I went to check out Angela's new apartment that she got on campus. During that visit, I mentioned the same thing to her, that I had to tell her something important about someone we knew, but I had to tell her with Benton. Same reaction, she begged to know right than and there, but I refused.

That evening, my fraternity initiated the summer pledge class. It was a drag. After it ended, Benton and I left the fraternity function and drove over to Angela's apartment. I knew one of them would obviously bring it up once we got there. We were just chilling in her room and about five minutes later, Benton stabs me with the question. "Alright, now that we're both here, tell us what's so important".

My heart began pounding like I had just chugged ten Red Bulls. Angela's apartment is setup in a way that she and another girl share a loft upstairs, but there isn't any privacy and I didn't  want her roommate overhearing. I panicked and said "I'll tell you guys on the balcony," as I was already half way down the stairs. I guess I'm good at creating awkward situations, because when they walked out on the balcony, I was a step from fainting and they were staring at me like I was nuts. I told Benton to shut the door behind him, because the news was private. I knew at this point there was no turning back...
 
"The person I need to tell you guys about is me". Angela put her hands over her mouth and Benton kept asking "what, what, what?" I guess my emotions got the best of me because I was on the verge of crying. Angela said she was going to start crying if I started, so I composed myself. She jumps in and blurts out "you're a virgin?!" I laughed and said that I was but that wasn't what I needed to get off my chest.
 
I told them that I considered them my two best friends at school and what I was about to tell them was really personal. They stared at me with such intensity, to the point it felt like they were piercing into my soul. I looked up at them and just said it "Guys, I'm gay."
 
 
I tried to begin explaining, but they both started hugging me. At that second, it felt like the biggest weight had been lifted. They were both shocked, yet understanding. Being a straight acting, gay guy is so hard on so many levels. They began looking back and reflecting on past events, that kind of made the puzzle pieces align.
 
It was so cool to know that two of my friends know that I am gay! They didn't really ask me that many questions, which I was wasn't expecting. However, I did ask them if they ever suspected or thought I was gay and they simultaneously said "never". Benton did come up to me and ask if the words queer, homo, fag, 'that's gay', etc. offends me. They also asked me if I have ever done anything with a guy, which I have not...yet.
 
In the end, telling them was one of the  best decisions I've ever made. I love them like a brother and sister and trust them completely. I just want to keep telling people, but pray I get the same, supportive reactions!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Mental Pain of Being in the Closet

My mind is my worst enemy. I am in a constant fight for control. Usually it defeats me. This post is going to be very hard to explain, let alone write down in words, because it is so personal...but I will do my best.
 
Being gay has changed the way I think, more so then just liking guys instead of girls. I am currently struggling so much with loving and embracing myself. Going from hating yourself for over four years, to loving yourself, doesn't happen overnight. I thought there was no future and happiness for me, because I was so mentally convinced I was going to hell when I passed away. Being gay wasn't just a sexual orientation to me, it was a mental disease.

I would pray to whatever was out there, that if it couldn't make me straight, that it would at least kill me in my sleep. During the day I was a zombie. I would wake up and go through the motions of a day. I absolutely would have taken death over life.

Being gay has also made me a very jealous person. Even against the people that love me the most. I was jealous of my sister's outgoing and vibrant personality and my brothers excellent athletic ability. I felt like the child that wasn't supposed to be born. The black sheep of the family. The mistake, when my family was only supposed to consist of four people. I was so ashamed of myself.

My jealousy also attacked my friends as well. I was so miserable, that it made me happy if my friends(or anyone) failed at something. I would pretend to be apathetic towards them, but for some awful and twisted reason, I was relieved on the inside. I thought my jealousy was turning me into an evil person. I thought there was no escape from myself.

Being gay has also morphed my mind into this machine that thinks everyone is talking, looking and thinking about me. As if everyone knew I was gay. I didn't want to go to parties or hang out with certain people, unless they were close friends I felt 100% comfortable around. Ultimately, I began limiting myself. I'm always, especially in high school, thinking thoughts like "what if they think I'm a fag" "what if they hate me b/c they think I'm gay".
 
In college I struggle as well. In the very beginning of Summer semester last year, things started out rough. I didn't have a safety net to run to, like I had in the past. I was all alone for the first time in my life. A couple people I knew from high school were attending my college, but I never took initiative to hang out with them. My random roommate and I got along for the most part, but we didn't have similar interests. He surfed, skateboarded, played video games and watched Scrubs and That 70's Show all day, everyday. Two days after my start at college, I remember getting into the shower one night after a really, really shitty day and breaking down. I sat in the shower and just cried, for what seemed like the whole night. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was me hating the fact I was gay. Maybe it was because I didn't have my family for once. Maybe it was because my friends were gone. Maybe it was from all three. Miraculously, it seemed like the next day I began making all kinds of new friends.

Some of you reading this (who are also gay) might think I'm crazy for thinking all these things and being gay isn't THAT BAD, but it was for me. By 19, I knew in my heart that if I didn't start talking and telling people, I would eventually kill myself. Telling my brother this Summer quite possibly saved my life. If I never told him and remained closeted, my mind would have finished eating the last bit of hope that remained, and I honestly do not think I would have lived past 25.

Now that I have come out to my siblings, my life has changed more then it ever has. It's almost like a new person has stepped into my body. I finally realized this past year, there is a God who loves me, my jealousy issues are fading drastically and now I want to live. It feels incredible. I love this feeling so much and I've only told two people. This positive momentum makes me want to come out to friends ASAP.

This Summer was the most life altering three months I have ever experienced. It's like God finally jumpstarted my mind. I was meant to have this life. I was meant to go through that mental pain. I was meant to endure this life and come out standing. God has done this for a reason and I'm going to take his hand and see where he takes me next.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

I CAME OUT TO MY SISTER!!

Saturday night was extremely eventful to say the least! It was around 11 PM and my parents had hit the hay for the night. My brother, sister and I were in the TV room watching The Dark Knight on HBO. I knew tonight was the night I had to tell my sister. My brother and I were sort of eyeing each other from across the room, as he anxiously waited for me to begin.

All I could think about was the nervousness I felt the first time I came out. The butterflies started spinning in my stomach as I sat in the exact chair, prior to coming out to my brother. I knew at that very moment it was time...

I stood up, looked at my sister, gave a nod to my bro and said "I need to tell you something outside on the back porch". 'Just tell me here' she replied. I rolled my eyes and pressed forward, telling her I needed to say it outside in private. This sort of made things awkward. She glanced over and my brother was already sitting on the porch with a drink. She was suspicious and reluctantly got up and walked out with me. I sat down and threw the same question at her as I did my brother. It went something like this 'Has there ever been something you wanted to know about me?' She said no.

I said 'well, I like guys'. She stared at me for a good five seconds, then over at my brother and blurted out "are you guys playing some sort of joke on me!?" I couldn't help but smile. I started explaining, with the help of my brother. I told her everything. From the time I realized my attraction to guys, to my confidence and trust issues because of it. I began telling her about the horrible depression I went through and she started crying. Her crying made me start crying.

She was really supportive. The three of us talked for about two hours. My brother and sister were asking me questions and giving me their perspectives about things.

I'm still trying to comprehend that my siblings know my secret. It is such an accomplishment! I can breathe. It is the biggest feat that I've ever been able to tackle in my life. I told my sister how much I hate being different, but she told me that being different isn't all that bad. Everyone has their own issues and struggles, which I had never realized before, being so lost in my own issues. I was so focused internalizing my own fears, that I hadn't really noticed that other people have problems as well.

This summer has been the biggest transformation. I feel like I'm turning into a new person. My paranoia is less intense, my confidence is growing and I'm starting to love and accept myself. I haven't loved myself in a very long time. I've hated myself for so many years. I questioned why my friends were even friends with me and what asset I even contributed to the friendship. My siblings simply said, 'they like you for you'. I'm excited to come out to my friends and show them another part of who I am, I think they'll like it.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

I WAS BLEEDING EVERYWHERE

One of the biggest celebrations a fraternity has each year is their Bid Party. It's a party throw in recognition for their "potentials," who got a bid to become pledges. Looking back at this night, I had no idea what I was in for and I don't think my pledge brothers did either.
 
The second we pulled up to the house, which was a mansion that some Alumni lived in, I knew it was going to be insane. Me and my other pledge brothers walked into this house and it was absolute chaos. There was hundreds of dollars worth of alcohol, a bar on the back porch, a beer pong table going, gin buckets in the kitchen, and about 80 people in attendance. Brothers were grabbing me in every direction, putting a shot glass in my hand and I was shooting them back like they were water.
 
I never really partied in high school, so I have a very low tolerance for alcohol and I'm skinny. After about an hour, I lost track at 13 shots and 30 gin buckets. I consumed a disgusting amount of liquor. Sometime of the course of the night, one of my pledge brothers came stumbling into the family room of the house and grabbed me to catch his balance. I was leaning against the back of a sofa and I flipped over it and smacked my face onto the wood frame around the glass table.
 
I got up and couldn't stop laughing. I was so drunk that I didn't feel anything. Angela grabs me and we start running to the bathroom. I start yelling "there's red stuff all over me!" I busted my nose and lip open and blood was all over my face, hands and clothes.
 
Not a single brother stopped to help, thank God Angela was at this party, along with Shelby. I was laughing the entire time, as we ran past the kitchen and down the hallway, skipping about ten girls who were in line to use the bathroom.
 
Once we got into the bathroom, she cleaned me up and then all of a sudden, both of us hear this noise coming from behind the shower curtain. Angela opens the curtain while I'm throwing up into the toilet and reveals a drunk chick pissing in the bathtub!
 
I don't remember leaving that bathroom and I blacked out for the very first time that night. The following day, Angela said she tried to go upstairs to bring me back to the dorms where we all live, but I was black out and the President of the frat wouldn't let her. So instead, she took my pledge brother Andrew, Shelby and Anna back to campus, who were all WASTED. Andrew tried hooking up with Shelby, but Angela had to physically kick him out of her car once she got them back to campous. She was an Angel that night.

Artsy

I love art! Even as a young child, I've always been good at drawing and building things. In elementary school, the art teacher held a contest and chose the best piece of artwork from each grade. I was in second grade at the time and beat all the other kids in my grade! I drew a picture of a gator, go figure...my family is die hard UF fans. It went on display somewhere in town and my parents and I went to the location one weekend. It was the first time I felt really proud of myself. 
 
In sixth grade, I took a technology class, where me and two other buddies made the best video out of all of his classes.
 
In seventh grade, my Health teacher held a Drug Awareness contest. Each group had to draw a poster sized picture that contained five quotes within it. The other people in my group wrote a bunch of funny quotes, while I drew a picture of Spongebob and Patrick smoking joints and we won! She said the winners would get their picture turned into t-shirts, but she never did.
 
My sophomore year of High School, I took Spanish II and all the Spanish teachers assigned a video group project. Yeah you guessed it, me and my two friends Patty and Anita won! We made the absolute funniest video. I produced and directed the majority of it, so I was even more excited when we won. When presentation day came and we played our video in front of the class, our teacher started crying from laughing so hard. We received a standing ovation! That was really cool.
 
I also took Pottery I, II, III, AP 3D Design and Jewelry class(which had more guys then girls ha).
 
When I started college, I missed being able to get my hands dirty and make stuff with clay and cool material, so I began drawing. I'm in a psychedelic phase! I love how trippy this piece turned out! It took me two weeks to draw, in my free time. I'm doing an entire psychedelic series! Check the rest of the pieces out here
 

My Turn to Decide

I was driving to the mall to get some clothes for school today and a song came onto the radio. This song literally was written about my life. Its called 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareilles. The lyrics in this song match my life to a tee! I'm in love!!

 All my life
I've tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin' for someone to tell me it's my turn
To decide


I personally struggle with the thoughts of what others will think of me. To be labeled as "the gay kid." I'm so much more than that and I hope people don't stereotype me just because of my sexuality.

So if you haven't already read my last blog post, I plan on coming out of the closet to my sister this weekend, if my brother can come into town. I want him to be there when I tell her. I also decided when I get back to school, I'm telling two of my best friends right away.

Its about time I start living my life instead of hiding from the world and worrying about what other people will think of me. I know there will be individuals who are going to gossip, but I've mentally prepared myself for that. Since making this blog, I've become a stronger and more confident person, someone that's ready to start showing people the real me.

I've been waiting for someone to tell me that it's my turn to decide...and that person was me all along.
 

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I Might Be Coming Out to my Sister Soon!

My older brother, who is the only person that knows I'm gay, might be visiting for the weekend! He and my sister are both accounting majors and currently studying for the CPA exams and he just finished taking the 4th and final test today. I don't know all the details, but he said he might skip a business meeting in San Diego and fly home to FL and see us instead.

This would be crucial if he did so, because I made the conscious decision that I am going to come out to my sister. I want him to be there when I tell her, so this might be my only opportunity the three of us will be together until Christmas. I'm really nervous/excited to tell her, because my sister and I are really close. However, she has a big mouth and the possibility of her blabbing to someone else, scares me a bit. If all the plans work out right, I am going to tell her this Saturday!! Check out the story here


Monday, August 9, 2010

The Man with Amazing Gaydar!

I wanted to hear your perspectives on a situation that happened about two weeks ago...

I work out at the YMCA several days a week. I either have my iPod in and I workout solo, or I work out with my dad and his friend. I've been exercising there for years, so I'm familiar with the majority of the staff, trainers and other people who exercise around the same time we do.

Unbeknownst to me, there's a guy, about my age, that I guess works there and recognized me. One night, I met up with some friends and we were all in Rachel's atrium, which is attached to her house. It's basically just a small outdoor area connected to her living room, where they grow plants and have some patio furniture. The kid from the gym, whom I've never spoken a word to in my life, coincidently happened to be the pot dealer that Rachel was picking up from.

Once he arrived, Rachel went inside to greet him, closing the sliding door behind her. A few minutes later, she comes back out onto the atrium, sits down, looks at me and goes " Don't freak out, but so and so (I don't even know his name) wasn't sure if you were straight."

I was speechless. I tried to play it cool, although my mind began racing with paranoia. That's certainly not a good mindset to be in if you plan on smoking, because that paranoia will just spread like wildfire and ruin your high. If you're going to smoke, make sure you're in a good headspace. I said 'of course I'm straight' and asked her what she said to him. She told him I was straight and that was it, she didn't think anything else of it.

He came and went within five minutes, so I still have yet to say a word to him. Is it weird that this kid sensed I was gay, when some of the people closest to me haven't? I'm still wondering why he even asked her that in the first place. He either has some sort of 6th sense and can detect gay people really well or he is a little curious himself and wanted to know my orientation.

Regardless, it made me uncomfortable because she said it in front of my other friends too. I knew she didn't mean to make me feel that way by any means, but as a closeted person, that moment felt like the end of the world. I wanted to evaporate into thin air and disappear.

Now that I'm aware of this dude's existence, what should I do the next time I see him at the gym? Ignore him? Okay, good idea!

My Obsession with Huskies

As a little kid, my household has always been nothing less then loud and crazy. My neighborhood was slam packed with kids our ages. I was always at a friend's house or people were constantly coming in and out of mine. I love being around people.

But I love animals too!! We've had a rabbit, fish, a turtle, hamsters and an iguana (but I got rid of it after 48 hours because I was scared of it). Above all, my parents have a love for cats. My dad especially. We've always had one growing up. When I was a baby, we had a black and white cat named Scooter, who I would chase around the porch as a baby. When he died, we got a new cat about 9 months later, named Tanner.

This story is actually really interesting. My dad was reading the newspaper and discovered that a theater cat who performed in plays, was up for a contest adoption. So my parents checked it out and fell in love with the two-year-old cat. They told me and my siblings about the contest and we wrote in our stories. I think I just drew pictures haha I was like five at the time.

Well neither me nor my siblings knew that we had won the contest, until there was a knock on the door Christmas morning with two of the theater people holding a crate and News Channel 5 behind them. It was a whole sh-bang and I was jumping up and down with glee. We were in the newspaper and it was pretty cool. The entire neighborhood was at our house an hour later to check out our new orange tabby.

Tanner passed away two years ago, at about 14 years old. Just recently, we got another cat. Since we fell in love with orange tabbies, it was only appropriate to get another one. Our vet knew we were on the look out and it just so happened that his next door neighbor's cat had a litter. All the cats were born outside in a big flower pot. All the kittens got big enough to jump out and escape, except for the smallest one, our Tebow. :)

Tebow at 5 months

As much as I loved growing up with cats, I really want a dog. A HUSKY! Huskies are the most beautiful dogs I've ever seen. They are such gentle, friendly and playful creatures! My neighbors have one and when they go on vacations, they always ask me to watch Bobbie because they know I absolutely love her. Hopefully the person I fall in love with likes Huskies, because I'm getting one either way! haha

Sunday, August 8, 2010

What's it Like Being Out of the Closet??

 
I'm the type of person who likes to express the way I'm feeling, most of the time. However, I am a quiet person and I think a lot of my own issues out on my own, but if there is something bothering me, I'll tell someone. I sometimes wonder what my life would be at this very, exact second, if everyone knew I was gay. I feel like my life would be a lot different. I don't think I would have gotten into my fraternity. I would be more wild and crazy! I would be more confident, as weird as that sounds. I wouldn't have extreme cases of paranoia. Guys would hit on me(maybe haha). Homophobic people would avoid me.

Is living the closeted life overall better? Is it more fulfilling? Is it more rewarding? The average male only lives till their mid 70's and I'm already 19. I want to live a fun life. God gave me this life, so I mine as well make the best of it and enjoy it. I have a friend from high school who came out and no one cared. I don't think people are as judgmental as I think. It's the closed minded ones that scare us into staying in the closet, along with our own fears and concerns.

Well I'm sick of being in the damn closet. I want to bust down the damn closet doors and meet people and be happy. Screw the ignorant individuals who judge, their the ones that are probably insecure about themselves. We haven't hurt them in any way, so what is wrong with our society? Are gay people really that bad of people? I guess so considering only six states allow same-sex marriage. Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont and Washington D.C. That's pathetic. It should be all 50...it should have ALWAYS been all 50. We're just as much of a U.S. citizen as a straight person is, yet we're treated so differently for something we didn't choose.

It just goes to show how narrow-minded our society still is as a whole. Some countries are still beating and murdering homosexuals, like mindless barbarians.

The other day I told a buddy that I couldnt chill one afternoon since I picked up a shift at work and his response was "shit, thats gay". But if I told him I was able to chill, he's response would have been 'straight'.

No where in the Bible does Jesus say homosexuality is wrong. Every verse that refers to homosexuality is in the Old Testament. If being gay is something as horrible as some people make it out to be, you would think Jesus, who spent about 30 years on this Earth, would have mentioned it. Just maybe.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Man of My Dreams

 
Over the years of watching movies and TV shows, you see really hot guys and girls. We'll there is one in particular that I am absolutely obsessed with. If I could have one guy for the rest of my life, it would be Cam Gigandet. The first movie I saw him in was The Unborn and after that movie, I felt like I was reborn. He's also been in Who's Your Caddy?, Never Back Down, Twilight, Pandorum, The Roommate, etc. Basically no good movies. haha Can I just marry him already??

OHH! and to make my life even better, Emma Stone and Cam Gigandet are making a movie together! Emma Stone is my FAVORITE actress! I am so excited. Its called Easy A and the plot revolves around a closeted gay guy, go figure!! It comes out September 17th 2010.  So there you go, that's the guy of my dreams. Lemme know what you think and who your crush is!

WHO AM I?

Day two with my blog! woohoo I'm so excited to keep writing. I'm sure you guys are all wondering more about me and who I am, like:

Am I dating anyone?
What I look like.
How many guys/girls I've slept with.
My personality.
Etc.

No worries, that's why I made this blog, with the intentions to hold nothing back and to be completely honest, even when it may be embarrassing.

For one, I am a virgin. Yes, I'm 19 years old and I still haven't gotten laid. I kept it this long, so I mine as well hold onto it and give it to the right person. I'm extremely inexperienced.

I am single and I've never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Actually, I've never even been on a date before.

I'm a relatively shy person, so if I did see an attractive guy, I wouldn't have the courage to go up to him and spark up a convo. I need to become more confident.

If you guys have any other questions you'd like to ask me, feel free to leave a comment and I'll do my best to answer them for you!

Thank you for your feedback :)

THE FIRST TIME I CAME OUT

As Summer rolled around, I really, really began thinking more and more about my sexual orientation. To the point where it consumed my thoughts 24/7. As a kid, especially as a teenager, I always thought my family knew or had a suspision that I liked guys. I always thought they would talk about me amongst themselves, behind my back. I would be thinking about it while having conversations with other people, while driving, while working, while watching tv, during dinner, while trying to fall asleep...you get the picture. It was to the point where It was unbearable for me. The thoughts were eating me alive.

I am ashamed to be gay and I dont know why God made me different then everyone else. On my last two birthdays, when I blew out my birthday candles, i wished to be straight.

The feeling of being different was suffocating for me. I have never been the type of person that likes to be the center of attention and being gay is like having a giant spotlight on you. I hate being different but Its something I'm working on embracing.

Anyways, about two months ago my older brother, who moved to Arizona, had a business trip in Florida. It was close enough to our house, that he was able to stay home and he used some of his sick days to take an extra week off. We only see him for Christmas, so it was nice to have him around.

He and I are eight years apart, so growing up I never really knew him, since he moved out and went to UF when I was finishing 4th grade. As I've gotten older and matured, we've gotten a lot closer. When he flew into town, I was so excited because I was ready to come out and I chose him to be the first person I would come out to.

Before I knew it, the week had come to an end and I still hadn't told him. The evening before his departure,  he was packing his suitcase and getting ready to fly back to Arizona in the morning. Once he finished, he walked into the family room and sat on the couch to watch some TV before going to bed. I followed him and sat in the lazy boy. I have no idea what we were talking about because the entire time my mind was racing at a million miles per second. I knew this would be my last opportunity to tell him in person until the holidays.

I started breathing shallower. Just thinking about telling another human being my deepest, darkest secret was enough to make me want to disappear forever. He got up from the sofa and ended the conversation that I was absolutely oblivious to in the first place. He said good night and headed back to his bedroom. As he past by, I told him I needed to tell him something important, outside. He sort of gave me this weird look, like I did something bad, so he went to his room to get his shoes.

I was waiting by the front door with my heart pounding out of my chest. I thought I was actually going to faint. My hands were sweating and my head felt like it was being smashed against a wall. My thoughts were moving so swiftly throughout my head, that I wasn't able to analyze any of them. It was just a rapid flood of thoughts, moving around my mind like a hurricane. I remember walking down the front entrance way and onto the driveway, just repeatedly asking myself, 'am I really going to tell him, am I really going to tell him!?' As we both stood there on the driveway, he stared at me and said, "you didn't get a chick pregnant, did you??' I didn't even have the energy to laugh or respond to his question.

I was trembling. I looked up at him and said "hypothetically speaking, if I died tomorrow and there was one thing you wanted to know for certain about me, what would it be?" He just stood there with a perplexed face and said "I don't know man, nothing." I thought for sure he had an inclination that I was into guys.

I couldn't take it any longer, so I blurted it out and told him I liked guys. Actually, I told him I was bi, because that was easier to say.  "WHAT?!" was his initial response, as I began tearing up and nodding my head up and down. I tried to hide my face behind my shoulder. My brother told me he had no idea.

He took it really well and said he loved me all the same and we talked outside for about two hours. As he asked me questions to get inside my head, I felt a tremendous weight, that had been accumulating for years, being lifted off my shoulders. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and encouraging experience coming out. He made me feel comforted and safe.

After he left the following day for AZ, he called me every single night to talk on the phone. He became my outlet to vent and release so many thoughts and feelings that I had never said out loud before. He was the person that gave me the idea to begin this blog.

I love you bro.

My Story

Growing up for most kids is a fun, exciting, experimental and stress-free journey into adulthood. There are speed bumps, of course, but usually nothing too harsh. We'll God dealt me a deck of cards with a very, VERY large speed bump. Around the age of 13, I went through puberty. My body was changing, my thoughts were maturing and I was transforming out of a child and into a teenager.

I was first attracted to a guy in 8th grade, when I was 13. At first it scared me because it was like a switch that went off and randomly, out of no where, I started doing double takes at guys. But not every guy, just two or three specific ones. I always had male friends and I wasn't attracted to any of them. When I was hanging out with them at school or in the neighborhood, none of my buddies were talking about being attracted to guys, so it confused me as to why I was having these feelings. That's when I first felt isolated from other people.

I had just finished Middle School and I was more excited/nervous then ever to begin high school, especially with the great reputation my siblings had left behind. My brother was the captain of the wrestling team, with a large group of friends and my sister is extremely intelligent and attractive. Middle school was whatever, but high school to me was the big leagues.

Once Freshman year of High School rolled around, I was surrounded by teenagers and I was no longer the big fish in the small pond. The amount of cute guys had multiplied, significantly. I forced myself not to stare at the cute guys in the halls, out of fear that I would be dubbed as some creepy kid. I began to keep to myself more and I was less interested in meeting new people. I focused my attention on applying myself to my academics and getting good grades. I figured this sudden attraction to guys was just a phase, which would pass by. Kind of like an old toy that you used to play with and than outgrew a year later. We'll, unfortunately, it never went away. Actually, it intensified.

By Sophomore year, I knew I was different then most of the other kids. I wasn't sexually/physically attracted to the girls and I was beginning to fantasize about the Junior and Senior guys. I was attracted to girls emotionally though. I remember walking into the 8000 building (the main building in my high school) and staring down the Senior hallway, filled with pretty girls in tight clothes with big boobs and athletic, muscular studs. My eyes always wandered to the males and I began to imagine what they looked like without clothes on. By this point, I put two and two together and had a feeling I was bi or gay, but I did my best to avoid the thoughts because I thought gay people were disgusting. I learned to hide my feelings and desires really well and finished up my Sophomore year.

Junior year hit and I knew I no longer wanted to take all regular classes. The curriculum was too slow for me and a lot of the students weren't as driven, so I signed up for several honors classes, knowing it would also boost my GPA. For anyone unfamiliar, it goes regular, honors, AP and than dual enrollment for the uber smart kids who don't want to pay for the class in college. I felt much more challenged and happy knowing it would force me to spend more time doing homework and less time letting my mind think about guys.

It was a failed attempt. Out of the classroom, I was like a hawk in the hallways, scanning for the hot guys. It was almost like a game to me, to find the hottest guy and girl while walking to my next class. Still, I kept my emotions on lockdown to focus on studying for the SAT's and the ACT's.

Before I knew it, I was the big fish on campus again! It was as if the first three years of high school just blinked by and Senior year slammed into me. I enrolled in one regular class, four honors and one AP. I also had Senior privilege, so I was home by 2PM which was awesome. Senior year was definitely my favorite year, I felt a sense of entitlement, since I basically knew the majority of the teachers and I had a large group of cool friends. I applied to FAU, UNF, USF and FGCU. I got into all of them and I was waitlisted for USF. I went to UCF and FSU to see the campuses, but I was overwhelmed by the size and I didn't have any interest in applying there. I wasn't smart enough to even consider UM or UF.

I didn't want to live at home, so I crossed FAU off the list. FGCU was too small of a school and I thought I wouldn't get a good enough education, so I crossed that off as well. That left UNF. My parents and I drove up to Jax to visit the campus and it was love at first sight. I got accepted into the Summer B program and off I went.

Holy shit, college is NOTHING like High School. It is infinitely times better! If you're reading this right now and you're in High School, TRUST ME when I tell you that college is a breath of fresh air. Summer B was the best six weeks of my life. I met so many amazing people and we all finagled our way into living in the same dorm building for Fall and Spring. It ended up being the best and most fun year of my life.

Now I'm on summer vacation, living at home for four months, working at Tropical Smoothie CafĂ©, before I go back to start my Sophomore year! I can't wait!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Hello Blog World!!

Here goes nothing!

I have never made a blog before, but after what life has thrown at me, this is my last resort. I'm a 19 year old (closeted) gay college student. The only person who knows I'm gay is my older brother, who I came out to about four days ago.

I created this blog as an outlet to share my thoughts, feelings and emotions that I could NEVER tell someone in real life at this time.

I am so excited to start blogging! Hopefully as it begins to grow, it will help impact another person struggling with the same thing I am.