As Summer rolled around, I really, really began thinking more and more about my sexual orientation. To the point where it consumed my thoughts 24/7. As a kid, especially as a teenager, I always thought my family knew or had a suspision that I liked guys. I always thought they would talk about me amongst themselves, behind my back. I would be thinking about it while having conversations with other people, while driving, while working, while watching tv, during dinner, while trying to fall asleep...you get the picture. It was to the point where It was unbearable for me. The thoughts were eating me alive.
I am ashamed to be gay and I dont know why God made me different then everyone else. On my last two birthdays, when I blew out my birthday candles, i wished to be straight.
The feeling of being different was suffocating for me. I have never been the type of person that likes to be the center of attention and being gay is like having a giant spotlight on you. I hate being different but Its something I'm working on embracing.
Anyways, about two months ago my older brother, who moved to Arizona, had a business trip in Florida. It was close enough to our house, that he was able to stay home and he used some of his sick days to take an extra week off. We only see him for Christmas, so it was nice to have him around.
He and I are eight years apart, so growing up I never really knew him, since he moved out and went to UF when I was finishing 4th grade. As I've gotten older and matured, we've gotten a lot closer. When he flew into town, I was so excited because I was ready to come out and I chose him to be the first person I would come out to.
Before I knew it, the week had come to an end and I still hadn't told him. The evening before his departure, he was packing his suitcase and getting ready to fly back to Arizona in the morning. Once he finished, he walked into the family room and sat on the couch to watch some TV before going to bed. I followed him and sat in the lazy boy. I have no idea what we were talking about because the entire time my mind was racing at a million miles per second. I knew this would be my last opportunity to tell him in person until the holidays.
I started breathing shallower. Just thinking about telling another human being my deepest, darkest secret was enough to make me want to disappear forever. He got up from the sofa and ended the conversation that I was absolutely oblivious to in the first place. He said good night and headed back to his bedroom. As he past by, I told him I needed to tell him something important, outside. He sort of gave me this weird look, like I did something bad, so he went to his room to get his shoes.
I was waiting by the front door with my heart pounding out of my chest. I thought I was actually going to faint. My hands were sweating and my head felt like it was being smashed against a wall. My thoughts were moving so swiftly throughout my head, that I wasn't able to analyze any of them. It was just a rapid flood of thoughts, moving around my mind like a hurricane. I remember walking down the front entrance way and onto the driveway, just repeatedly asking myself, 'am I really going to tell him, am I really going to tell him!?' As we both stood there on the driveway, he stared at me and said, "you didn't get a chick pregnant, did you??' I didn't even have the energy to laugh or respond to his question.
I was trembling. I looked up at him and said "hypothetically speaking, if I died tomorrow and there was one thing you wanted to know for certain about me, what would it be?" He just stood there with a perplexed face and said "I don't know man, nothing." I thought for sure he had an inclination that I was into guys.
I couldn't take it any longer, so I blurted it out and told him I liked guys. Actually, I told him I was bi, because that was easier to say. "WHAT?!" was his initial response, as I began tearing up and nodding my head up and down. I tried to hide my face behind my shoulder. My brother told me he had no idea.
He took it really well and said he loved me all the same and we talked outside for about two hours. As he asked me questions to get inside my head, I felt a tremendous weight, that had been accumulating for years, being lifted off my shoulders. I couldn't have asked for a more supportive and encouraging experience coming out. He made me feel comforted and safe.
After he left the following day for AZ, he called me every single night to talk on the phone. He became my outlet to vent and release so many thoughts and feelings that I had never said out loud before. He was the person that gave me the idea to begin this blog.
I love you bro.